Desperate Measures for the 2020 election

We can’t let The Trump machine defeat humanity again.  If we’re willing to use any means to win, I have a candidate who can beat him at his game. We’ll have to admit that our country is not ready for any of the Democratic candidates we currently have at our disposal, even though any of them could run the country in a more sane manner than our present despot.  My candidate, however could win over Trump’s legions as well as bring out the vote of many Democrats who usually stay at home on the internet.   Be ready to suppress your gag reflex, although gagging might be something she would encourage in order to lose weight.

I’m talking of course about Gwyneth Paltrow. She of the Blythe Danner and producer Bruce Paltrow Hollywood royal dynasty. She looks like a princess, she hoodwinks people into spending lots of money. She does not appear to have any idea what science is and is a prolific author, singer and actress.

Looking presidential in a subtle tribute to Georgia O’Keefe from the GOOP website.

Donald, You’ve met your match.

Gwyneth gets bonus election points because the name of her company “GOOP” appears so similar to “GOP” that she might grab conservative folks who are texting while voting, (not yet a crime in Alaska).

There appears to be nothing this world loves more than a crazy rich person, especially a white one.  But for a twist, I suggest as a running mate – Markiplier! Not so white, complementary marketing , gamer and even a democrat.  In case you don’t know, he is an “Influencer”. This is a popular social media person who has 45.3 MILLION Followers. Trump has 55 Million so we’re getting close.

Perhaps these two would be willing to fill their cabinet with our current democratic candidates so that their tenure has more weight than a helium balloon. Too risky? Am I positing an unethical choice here?  You want to win- or what?

 

New DNA info reveals what you really should be anxious about!

Are you anxious about what vulnerabilities you have inherited from your bloodline?

Do others mock you for your concern about “things you cannot change”?

Do you feel you have a God given right to spread your distress about potential ailments/dangers with others?

Do you not have the resources available to pay for a weekly total body scan or safe room construction in your home?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions then this new  scan offered by 27,000,000 and Me will prove to your friends, people who have un-friended you, and random people you have had intercourse with that you were right after all.

Remember what is true for you is absolutely true for everyone else, especially here in America, so it would be un-patriotic not to get these facts straight immediately!

Our competitors may be able to pinpoint some meaningless issues you can pretty much self diagnose but only 27,000,00 and Me gets to the meat of it.

Here is a list of detection claims directly from the website of 23 & Me, our biggest competitor:

Ability to Match Musical Pitch
Asparagus Odor Detection
Back Hair (available for men only)
Bald Spot (available for men only)
Bitter Taste
Bunions
Cheek Dimples
Cilantro Taste Aversion
Cleft Chin
Dandruff
Earlobe Type
Early Hair Loss (available for men only)
Earwax Type
Eye Color
Fear of Heights
Fear of Public Speaking
Finger Length Ratio
Flat Feet
Freckles
Hair Photobleaching (hair lightening from the sun)
Hair Texture
Hair Thickness
Ice Cream Flavor Preference
Light or Dark Hair
Misophonia (hatred of the sound of chewing)
Mosquito Bite Frequency
Motion Sickness
Newborn Hair
Photic Sneeze Reflex
Red Hair
Skin Pigmentation
Stretch Marks
Sweet vs. Salty
Toe Length Ratio
Unibrow
Wake-Up Time
Widow’s Peak

Now take a look at the essential health and safety questions you will be able to answer correctly  for yourself and other people just by giving us a sample of your DNA and a small processing fee.

1. Which  environmental substance is most dangerous to your health?

a.  Bisphenol A, as found in plastics

b.  Lead

c.  Alcohol

d. Donald Trump

 

2. Which life choice life could cut 20 or more years off your life?

a.  Stress and pollution of residing in a major metropolitan area

b.  Stagnating in the countryside surrounded by cow/pig manure

c. Excessive cell phone and internet use

d. Repeated exposure either in person, print or video to Donald Trump and/or his policies

 

3. What kind of people is it most dangerous for you to associate with?

a. Negative people who criticize often and want to change things

b. Super positive people who don’t seem to have a grasp on reality

c. People who are so “different” that it challenges everything we have come to hold sacred and gives us migraines.

d. Donald Trump and his cronies

 

4. What will cause you the most pain?

a. Giant Japanese Hornets

b. Bald faced Hornets

c. Bullet Ant

d. Donald Trump and The Republican Party

 

5. What is the most likely catastrophe to kill you?

a. Global warming

b. Boeing 737 JT8D ticket you bought on a discount site

c. Ebola

d. Re-election of Donald Trump

 

6. What system immediately threatens your way of life?

a.  Illuminati takeover of the media

b. Tsunami like proliferation of Sharia law in USA

c. Christianity

d. The Trump Organization

 

This is just a small sample of the lifesaving information we can offer you. Our rates have been discounted from 5 bitcoin to 2 bitcoin, only until the 2020 election!

Your  personal DNA information is safe with us and will only be shared with the U.S. government to determine immigration status.

 

 

 

 

A socio-political analysis of The Meg

 

If you have not yet seen the film “The Meg”, perhaps your fear of giant sharks has impacted your life to the point where you need to seek professional help. You are missing out on one of the most important pieces of socio-political commentary of this century.  I suggest you might allay your fears by looking at the Megalodon as a metaphor.  Approach it as you might a poem, that is with a half of a marijuana cookie.

The Meg is an ancient creature, brought up from the depths as a by-product of a rich guy who wants more fame and fortune.  The Meg is a misunderstood outsider. The Meg does not and can not bargain because he is used to dominating all other creatures since the beginning of time. There is no one more powerful. All polls agree. This is not fake news. Did I mention that The Meg has a very big mouth? It is always opening and closing without any real words coming out. The Meg just devours. That’s what Megs do.

The Meg is attracted to light only to destroy the source of this light. It is not hard to imagine the words, “You’re fired”, coming out of his mouth each time he kills. He is particularly partial to offing whales, which are, of course, an endangered species.

The dilemma the film addresses is:  Should mankind study and respect a creature of this  majesty despite the massive death toll it will bring or should the intelligentsia work to bring The Meg down by any means – bombs, guns, or harpoons through the eyeball. It is with a “Sophie’s Choice” kind of poignance we observe that choice is a forced/ false one as there are always more Megs and the remaining characters, indeed the entire world, may die in the next film.

Jason Statham, however, can not die.  He could, but as a hybrid of John McCain and Bernie Sanders, it is highly unlikely that the franchise could continue. The mega-message here is that, no matter what, the franchise which is The Meg must continue. Statham is its biggest asset.

Like many female movie stars before him, he has probably had to insure his chest. The fact that he does his own stunts makes him a stand-in for the value of authenticity in opposition to The Shark who is made of plastic and gets all his information from the internet.

The meaning of time is also explored in the film.  How many times will The Meg come back? Every four years? How much money did the film receive for featuring the over the top watches which appear in close-ups of every character?

https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/meg-dive-watches-ruby-rose-li-bingbing-jason-statham-make-an-impression-1134859

When will the movie end? Isn’t this just Jaws in a time-machine?  Who has the time to work out that much for one shirtless scene?  Isn’t it time that there is more than one black actor per movie and isn’t there time to teach him how to swim? Is the shot of Statham harpooning The Meg a timeless tribute to Captain Ahab or is it just a way to make the film sexier than “Jurassic World”.

Like many works of art – The Meg leaves you with these big questions which you have to answer yourself. Then you may attend the sequel to see if you got them right.

 

 

Getting behind the Wall – Alternative financing should Mexico not pay

 

 Image from askideas.com ( 40 most funny Trump memes)

President elect Trump is exceedingly hopeful in his idea that Mexico will finance The Wall. I am a pessimist yet I believe that if you can’t beat them, attempt to win them over with your wit and wisdom.  Here is my list of ideas for making The Wall more fun and profitable.

1. Offer bricks for sale that can be engraved with the name of your favorite illegal immigrant.

2.Trump Casino inside The Wall and a duty free shop featuring the Trump label a la  Paul Newman brand such as hot sauce, sweet and sour sauce, crack.

3.  Bricks on Mexican side flavored with various Agua Frescas  like Tamarindo and Horchata. Charge per lick.

4. Options available for internment in The Wall or cremation ashes to be mixed into a brick for a small fee.

5. Market mini blow up Walls for backyard barbeques and Cinco de Mayo.

6.  Giant Jenga section of The Wall as an amusement franchise.

7. License areas for International tic tac toe tournaments.

8. Build baseball fields in both The USA and Mexico which back up onto the wall with the option of extra points to be scored if the ball caught has flown over from another country.

9.  Use inside  sections for a Branch of Trump University and a for profit prison for people who have not apologized to Trump or Vice President Pence.

10. Conduct a lottery for passage into the USA based on a Hunger Games like contest.

11. Rent out the top of the wall for beauty pageants,  A Trump fun run or a Texas Rangers Drag show.

12. Rental space for Taco trucks with windows on both sides of the wall.

13.   New Branch of Wall Drug store.

14. Immigrant desert crossing reality TV show.

15.  Get artists to bid on rights to create statues to top The Wall depicting Trump, Putin, Stalin and others who like walls and dislike immigrants.

 

Grateful to Donald Trump

I am grateful never to have been assaulted by Mr. Trump. I am not a 10, I am not a number. I was surprised to find his campaign did not send either a picture or other identifying information for The Alaska Voter’s pamphlet. I am grateful he has forgotten since maybe that will deter a few people who might assume he is not on the ballot in our state.

The only time anyone has ever grabbed me by the crotch, I was walking in East Oakland after dark with grocery bags in each hand. A man grabbed me from behind using my crotch as a lever to rub against him. He was a special needs man and laughed at me when I cursed him.  This is who I think of when I think of Donald Trump.

I  am grateful to have made it this far in my life without a serious sexual assault. Of course there is still time. Even in nursing homes, where people don’t generally go looking for “10’s, there are assaults. That’s because  sexual assault isn’t about people being attractive. It’s about dominance and power. You could say it’s about wanting to be more like  Mr.Trump.

When I worked in mental health, I reminded people on outings that no one was going to comment on someone’s body in the YMCA locker room because everyone was trying their best to mind their own business and not attract attention to their own body. Most locker rooms are like this. I imagine Donald does not go to The YMCA very much. It’s easier to criticize other people’s bodies when you have a private pool.

Another great gift is Trump’s focus on  Making America White again.   Even the earliest migrations to America were successful due to the enslavement of people of color to build their settlements.   One can only be as rich as Trump by using other people’s labor to build an empire.  Queen Victoria, Big Cotton, Microsoft, Big Pharma,  The Holy Romans, Game of Thrones, your average workplace, they all insist that that human sacrifices must be made and those who make them will be rewarded.  Most of us spend our time trying to  be one even if it means that number two and number 200,141 resent us. Americans don’t like being average people. We want to be superstars and mavericks. I can’t imagine Trump saying that he would take a pay cut before laying off workers.  I could stand for making America mediocre but more equitable.

The Black Lives Matter Movement threatens the Trump hierarchy which puts police and the military and other corporations on top when actually these public servants are policing people who are their equals not scum. It is important to deal carefully with  those who disrupt public order. The most dangerous and despicable  deserve a trial as well as those with mental health issues. Many cultures question the death sentence but we hand these out daily on the streets of America.

Recently, it was suggested we start a neighborhood patrol or neighborhood watch for our street in Anchorage.  Burglaries are up. There have been several murders. One neighbor suggested we need people with military and police training to take part. I would say train the police to be less like the military and more like peace keepers. Let the neighborhood watch create a lively interaction between people who are looking out for each other and can help by banding together when in need.

Guns should be for getting food. I am not sure how guns figure in Donald Trumps life but they are implements of domination that I could live without. I appreciate that he is pro-gun because it makes it clearer that I need to be on the other side.

You may not agree that Donald Trump is a mirror of our inner will to dominate the world.  I think most will agree that he makes Kim Kardashian look like a potential write in candidate.  I wish you merry voting and a happy new era.

How serious is your Donald Trump Anxiety Disorder?

Don’t loll around in de Nile. Just because a fear is realistic doesn’t mean it can’t be destructive and take control of your life! Take this easy quiz to see how ill you have become and find out what other people are doing about their diagnosis.

1. How many Facebook posts have you written pleading for people to elect a female president? ( 1 point for each post)
2.  Are you still considering voting for Bernie Sanders? (5 points)
3. If Trump appears on the TV while you are on the treadmill at the gym, does the treadmill turn off automatically due to unsafe heart rate? (5 points)
4. Have you used the words “Nazi” or “Hitler” within two syllables of the word “Donald” or the word “Trump.” in the last week? (5 points) Within the last hour (10 points)
5. Have you avoided playing cards so you won’t have to say the “t” word?  (5 points)
6. Have you thought about protesting at the Republican convention? (5 points) If you have already bought your airline or bus ticket (10 points)
7. Have you considered moving to Canada? (1 point as Canada is pretty cool) Mexico (2 points), England (5 points)
8. Do you ever lose sleep thinking about the election then get up and diminish your sorrow with bonbons and bread products? (5 points)
9. Do you think you are smarter than most Americans (2 points)
10. If you had a choice between eating a live rat and voting for Donald Trump, would you choose the rat? (2 points)

 

If you have 9 points or less you are probably a very psychologically healthy Republican.

If you have 10-20 points you are borderline obsessed with Trump

If you have 21 to 45 points you have a real problem and should consider some of the following options.

1. Join the Communist party. Everyone probably thinks you are one anyway. Vote for their candidate. That way you won’t have to worry about your candidate losing because they always do.
2. Consider opening a bakery or a bar. People always eat more sweets and drink more when things are going badly.
3. Remind yourself that you are not in control of the outcome of this election. You only have one vote and the more you try to convince Trump voters that they are wrong the more they actually are right because you are annoying them with your liberal agenda. Even when you try to get people to vote for Hilary, people may vote for someone else just to spite you for spewing your anxiety at them. Feel free to register voters but remember that  if you do this fairly and legally, some of them will vote for Trump.
4. It’s only 8 years maximum, unless he is really Hitler.
5. If you live in Alaska, calm down! The state is already run like a Trump hotel.