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In the Year 2025, if man is still alive..

First Lady Kim Kardashian successfully advocates for butt enhancement to be covered by most health insurance.

The world mourns the death of the most stable genius and oldest U.S. president ever elected. The deceased’s family asks that people wear gold instead of black.

Alaska is officially the most populous State of the Union, due to its temperate weather,  and the fact that most U.S. citizens have found a way to live in Canada.

The last remaining white man in The U. S. Senate is not running for re-election.

Guns now outnumber people five to one in The United States with the aforementioned Alaska leading the pack with an average of 27 guns per person.

Rutabaga is the new Avocado!

The Oreo Cookie brand is struggling after severe backlash following their “Fentanyl Patch” flavor release. Fortune for the brand relies on their two new nostalgic varieties –  “Subbituminous Coal” and “Salted Highway Snow.”

The owners and designers at Title Nine Sportswear have finally begun serving their life sentences for misleading women worldwide that they can be brain surgeons, Olympic athletes and cute single moms all at the same time.

The successful Mary Poppins franchise continues with the opening of “Mary Poppin’s Revenge – The Sarin Gas Umbrella.”

Hope has died for training white police and the legal system to react fairly and calmly towards dark skinned citizens. Today, Congress introduced a bill  requiring quotas of wealthy white men be met in the prison population before any other ethnic group member be incarcerated.  A subsequent boost in Ancestry.com stock has occurred  as thousands of people under investigation attempt to find their as yet undocumented African roots.

 

 

 

 

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Trump & Pumpkin Spice – a holiday voter conspiracy?

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The purchase of this aberration correlates and may actually cause voters to believe in and vote for Trump. Is it something in pumpkin? NO! As we all learned in grade school there is no pumpkin in Pumpkin Spiced anything. Pumpkin Spice is instead the very old fashioned mix of allspice, cinnamon and cloves which makes people think of their grandmother’s kitchen and how everything was better in the old days. The sad thing is that a child would never add allspice or cloves to their food, as it would be similar to eating potpourri or bath salts. Coincidence that before the opiate crisis we had the “Spice Crisis?” That bath salts and potpourri were the innocuous labeling under which Spice was sold? How about the idea that almost everything sold at a Trump hotel is a “Limited Edition?” Also cereal is the easiest food for an American to eat for breakfast lunch and dinner, besides pizza which is not really American.

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More likely it is the kind of mentality that we Americans have about always trying something new and spending money on frivolous items which draws us to Trump and Pumpkin Spice. This is the new renaissance of civilization, one which belongs to The White people of the USA just like Thanksgiving does.   People in the incoming Mexican caravan may have tasted apple pie or a hot dog. They may even put cinnamon in their hot chocolate but they probably have not consumed pumpkin spice cereal. In due time Pumpkin Spice will be integrated into citizenship tests.

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New voters are being manufactured everyday. What kind of parent would feed these frosted flakes to their children? A Republican, that’s who! The key to this conspiracy is that Pumpkin Spiced products always come out just before November elections.  They were in their infancy in the Obama days and I daresay they do not go very well with cigarettes or with Michelle’s propensity for healthy eating. These products were not created to take over the world but they have morphed into a polarizing force in our country. Either you love them or you hate them. And if you hate them you are probably not American enough.

My warning to you is to avoid purchasing such items until after elections and consider the presence of Pumpkin Spiced products on the shelves of your neighbors as similar to bags of cocaine or framed photos of The First Family. Do not directly challenge these neighbors but instead ask them to brunch at your own home. There you can introduce them to Matcha Tea, Marijuana Gummies or whatever flavor of Kombucha you prefer.  It is always graceful to meet people halfway so have some cinnamon, allspice and cloves on hand. Good luck in your fight to end this plague. Remember this Thanksgiving, you can always make a pumpkin pie bourbon flavored instead.

 

A Preview of Trump’s trip to France

“It should be a very beautiful period of time, the 100th anniversary of the ending of World War I. We have many countries — the leadership from many countries will be there, especially since they heard the United States will be there. And we look forward to that,” Trump told reporters Friday before leaving the White House. “I’ve seen what they have planned, and I think it’s going to be something very, very special.” ( http://www.pbs.org)

And so it begins. Mr. Donald Trump, our current dictator, is the opposite of a vampire as He sees only his reflection in every person he meets, remark he hears and place he visits. Thus it took only a bit of jet lag to label his host’s ideas about a European army, “Very Insulting.” The French may be mad to suggest wasting money to arm themselves against the most armed nation of the world but one must admit France’s leader is clever to know how Trump would take this and almost any other remark personally.

Experts have spent a little time and thought predicting other reactions Trump might have during the upcoming visit.

On visiting WWI battlefields:

” I know that the souls who died here are happy to see me and silently applauding  my efforts to make America as great again as it was in that time when we saved the world. Especially the beautiful nurses, they were beautiful. Why can’t nurses dress like that again instead of wearing formless scrubs? Why can’t they show a little leg? Am I wrong here?

On avoiding the peace talks:

“Melania and I have chosen to use our time more wisely and visit Disney Paris which is a American emblem of Magic and Peace.  The “Fake Peace talks” are for stupid people who think you can talk about peace without me. Instead, we will be dining at Café Mickey in the company of Disney royalty – Goofy, America’s most effective ambassador and  King Louie of The Jungle Book, who is a very interested in learning about fire from me.”

On French food and restaurants:

“The food here is not very fast, very slow. America is much faster at food.  I don’t eat salad but the waiters kept harping at me “t’es un salaud.” And they constantly hard sell some little duck dish. Every time its “t’es rien qu’un petit connard.” If I want duck, I want a big American duck!”

On visiting The Louvre:

“The art here is just great, very moving, very beautiful. I was impressed by how the female body has always been an object of desire. It’s a very natural thing for men to come here to have a good long look at some beautiful women.  Call me crazy but I think the ladies in these paintings were happy to see me too. The Mona Lisa was definitely smiling at me. Really, she gave me a look. I would love to spend some time with her after hours. “

 

But even as the experts guess, Mr. Trump is sure to surprise us with  statements which will make every American visitor after him seem more kind, intelligent and respectful. Thank you for your service!

Steve Sack  Copyright 2017 Cagle Cartoons

(From TheWeek.com)

 

Suggestions for how the Republican Party can “punish” Lisa Murkowski

  1. Make her eat the infamous Senate Bean Soup

         https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Senate_bean_soup

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     2.  Have a sign made for her to wear reading:

“I did not do what the boys wanted and now I have to wear this stupid sign.”

3.  When they see her coming, put their briefcases on empty seats on the little tram that runs underneath The White House so there is no room for her.

4.  Uninvite her to the annual Senate Sleepover at Mitch McConnell’s house.

5.  Facebook unfriend!

6.  Throw in a bunch of Sarah Palin jokes during the next filibuster.

7.  Bring in kegs of beer to celebrate Kavanaugh’s confirmation but mysteriously run out of red plastic cups if she wants some.

8. Play The Beastie Boys “The Lisa Lisa” each time her name comes up for roll call.

https://www.amazon.com/Lisa-Full-Force-Routine-Explicit/dp/B004VTEP7K/ref=sr_1_1?s=dmusic&ie=UTF8&qid=1539155932&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Lisa+Lisa%2FFull+Force+Routine+Beastie+Boys

9.  Lump of coal for Christmas

10. Attend Weekly “Ethics” class taught by The President.

The Fall, The Salmon, the Political Harvest Festival

It wasn’t so long ago that it seemed like spring in America. Many people were hopeful. Other democracies wanted to be our friends. Now the weather has turned and only dictators will take us in. Our representatives huff and puff but they can’t blow down the free world with new or restored tariffs. Are we preparing for another less than civil war in our own country where people begin by wishing each other dead on Facebook and progress to buying ammunition?.

Had we not established, in the beginning, an oligarchy of wealthy white men to run the place we might not be in this crisis today. We can’t change the past but we can look outside our cherished ancestors to see how other countries have worked together instead of against each other in order to thrive.

Today I observed that the salmon have been moving approximately 2 bridges a day up the stream near my home in Anchorage.

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Here they are at the first bridge. They’ve turned red and are swimming upstream from Cook Inlet which is just a few hundred yards away.

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Here they are flapping their fins in the shallow water under a further bridge. They make lots of noise. They’ve become more desperate in their undertaking. They are very red. People get like this. So do Nations when they sense the endgame.

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Here are some salmon taking a break in an eddy by the former bridge. Note the white on the top of one of the fish. He is rotting away. These fish start out silver. They stop eating and turn red. Their parts start to rot off but hopefully, they survive to mate.  Some people are obsessed with their power and their endgame. They turn everything into a predatory pursuit or a competition to dominate.  Others can work together for the greater good. Too bad this country glorifies those who defeat others by force or intimidation. By deciding this is our preferred way of operating, we minimize the potential for the next generation to form models of cooperation.

I  hope that the ability to work with others can be taught in school and in the home. Why do we grade people on an individual basis or even decide pay this way when most everyone works winds up working on a team? Do we want the other teams in our workplaces to fail so we look better?  Perhaps it’s more difficult to introduce cooperation when there are so many single child families in the middle and upper classes. But that means that the meek will probably inherit the earth.

In Fall, people store up supplies. Some people hoard. In Winter disaster may strike any of us and who will help? Probably not those who consider themselves self-sufficient or who have the most firearms. Instead, it may be those who have experience in negotiation and emotional regulation who survive. It isn’t always the strongest or most intelligent/talented salmon who survives. It may be one who rests with the others at the side of the stream who has the energy to reach their final destination. The truth is they will all die, and most of their children will die before they mature. On that pleasant note, I encourage you to take a walk and enjoy what you see and feel today. Do not binge watch the news or your favorite dystopian fantasy. Instead, say hello to your neighborhood and notice that you are not on top of it nor on the bottom. We are just alive, for now. When I walk I’m not sure who is homeless and who is rich or in pain or Republican or Independent. We are just animals in the woods.

Don’t give up hope yet, at least until after you vote.  Have a voting party and invite anyone in your neighborhood who has participated in democracy. Don’t make your harvest hatred. Crunch the leaves, watch the moon rise. Forget about responding to every nasty post you read. Don’t hesitate to sing and dance outside but I draw the line at building a wicker man and sacrificing members of the opposite political party. If members of the United Nations can laugh at the audacity of our president then we can laugh too. It’s easier to get away with that in a crowd.

 

What to get America for her birthday this 4th of July

Posted on
  1. Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up Life Alert. Is it codependent to pick up a rogue nation?
  2. Dried fruit/nut pack or flowers featuring only items picked by American citizens. This is a pricey limited selection item.
  3. Family tree/genealogy kit to trace immigrants in her family and remove them.
  4. Gift certificate to a restaurant/hotel that does not feature “foreign” food or hire people who can’t speak English.  This is another rare commodity. Good luck.
  5. Support hose for all those protests which will be happening in the near future when Roe vs Wade falls.
  6. A Supreme Court Justice who has not become a judge in order to “rule” but in order to listen, research and change laws which are unfair to the poor and oppressed.
  7. Dark chocolate, but not so dark that it might be suspicious.
  8. Cordless 5x LED Vanity mirror so she can see what she really looks like without her makeup on.
  9. Neighborhoods where we know our neighbors names better than we know those of The Transformers.
  10. Humility

Oh you may have noticed that this is a satire from the state of Alaska which is in no way not part of America

 

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What to do about The President

Just for a change, I’m going to give you the title of this painting—The Princess picking lice from the Troll—because I don’t think that knowing what it’s about will be too much of a limitation. Why a princess is sitting in a darkened room picking lice out of a troll’s fur is up to you. […]

via Sunday Strange microfiction challenge — Jane Dougherty Writes

 

My response:

You’re so vain. Let’s give up this charade. Not that shaving your head will help your brain but it may improve your image and that’s what you care about isn’t it? I understand that you can’t trust anyone but your family to help you rule but what if you actually hired a competent hairdresser? Is that too much to ask? It’s hard being a princess these days and I could use a tiny office in The White House to get my thoughts together. Just think about it.

Another idea. Maybe if you didn’t mess around with every person who annoys you, you might not be in such a tangle. You’re coming across as a troll, up all night monitoring the net for fake news. The more you lie to combat perceived slights, the more wild your hair gets. Every evening it takes me a longer time to straighten you out. Pretty soon, it will be beyond me.

Did you ever see the play “Bloody, Bloody Andrew Jackson?” I highly recommend it. Meanwhile, can we do this somewhere besides your dungeon? It smells of Democrats down here.