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What to do about The President

Just for a change, I’m going to give you the title of this painting—The Princess picking lice from the Troll—because I don’t think that knowing what it’s about will be too much of a limitation. Why a princess is sitting in a darkened room picking lice out of a troll’s fur is up to you. […]

via Sunday Strange microfiction challenge — Jane Dougherty Writes

 

My response:

You’re so vain. Let’s give up this charade. Not that shaving your head will help your brain but it may improve your image and that’s what you care about isn’t it? I understand that you can’t trust anyone but your family to help you rule but what if you actually hired a competent hairdresser? Is that too much to ask? It’s hard being a princess these days and I could use a tiny office in The White House to get my thoughts together. Just think about it.

Another idea. Maybe if you didn’t mess around with every person who annoys you, you might not be in such a tangle. You’re coming across as a troll, up all night monitoring the net for fake news. The more you lie to combat perceived slights, the more wild your hair gets. Every evening it takes me a longer time to straighten you out. Pretty soon, it will be beyond me.

Did you ever see the play “Bloody, Bloody Andrew Jackson?” I highly recommend it. Meanwhile, can we do this somewhere besides your dungeon? It smells of Democrats down here.

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Other things my microwave can do

Microwave dings

I can paste a photo of someone I am angry at on an egg and blow it up in my microwave.

I can take a photo of someone I am mad at by converting my microwave into a pinhole camera.  After doing so, I may not be able to use the microwave/camera to blow up the photo on the egg. A cardboard box would do a better job as a camera.

I can spy on my roommates by cutting a hole in the kitchen counter and in the bottom of the microwave. Then I can hide in the cabinet underneath and have my head sitting in the microwave. This will really freak them out. They usually open the microwave before turning it on, so I think my brain is safe.

I can scare away men over 50 by continually opening the microwave while it is on, especially when they are near it. They may know that microwaves don’t render them infertile but do they really believe everything they read?

I can bake brownies in my microwave. They are guaranteed to be the worst brownies ever but they will bake quickly. Because I live in Alaska, I can bake special brownies really quickly in my microwave although this is totally against Federal regulations.  Federal regulations and benefits are going the way of Star Trek Conventions so I may need a bigger microwave.

I can put a yellow Peep in the microwave and get it to puff up like the president’s hair.

I can go to Goodwill or Salvation Army and get a big old school webcam and glue it to the top of my microwave. Then I will add some disco lighting synched with Bluetooth speakers and Put the whole thing in my bicycle basket or on the top of my car and ride around town playing songs which will make America great again.

I can use my microwave as a blunt weapon to attack intruders and other undesirables.

I can heat up paranoia and racial hatred by putting them in the microwave for two and a half minutes.

I can make a Jello mold of the president then put it in the microwave and watch it dissolve.

 

 

 

 

 

Why I have been failing at my plan for World Domination

  1. I’m just too tired to stay up late and tweet evil missives. I haven’t even had enough energy to shovel out the hammock.hammock
  2. When I get mad enough to explode I usually just eat anything in sight or worse yet go out for a walk. What a loser!
  3. It’s so hard to get attention by being cranky up here in Alaska. I can’t explain exactly how crazy one has to be to get media attention. Even then, television reception is so bad I would have to depend on the internet to get my evil plans out. Then, I don’t trust I’ll be able to reassemble after streaming. I’ve seen enough Star Trek to know that the Transporter has had some real bad problems. Bad! I would replace Mr. Scott with an American entrepreneur ASAP, preferably someone who knows nothing about engineering.mr-scottNo more drinking on the job Mr. Scottish!
  4. It’s difficult to find an evil news manipulator in Anchorage. I’m totally willing to be a puppet for a great Svengali but it’s a right wing media graveyard  since Sarah Palin left.
  5. I just don’t feel “Great” enough. I live in “The Great Land”, “The Great White North”, but I feel overshadowed by the attention given melting glaciers. Big deal. It’s not like they’re alive like little baby fetuses.  I need to work on my superlativity. I am the Greatest problem since Global Warming! I may not be greater than Jesus but I am richer. He gave everything away. So stupid.
  6. It is hard to be a world dominator when you are not a 10. I am flat chested. I can never be a 10 and that is so unfair.
  7. I spend excessive time focused on solutions instead of exaggerating problems which would create building blocks of paranoia in the poor people of America’s most dangerous cities where bad, bad people are skulking around neighborhoods without the decency to be wearing fitbits.
  8. I read too much. Such a waste. Stop reading this right now and go out and say and do things based on no information whatsoever. Some day you may even be able to appoint a horse to be Senator or even to The Supreme Court.
  9. original-head-of-caligula

You don’t need a weatherman to tell which way the wind is blowin’

It recently snowed, lots, for three days straight. The news  projected “overcast skies” with zero percent chance of precipitation each day. This photo was shot at the half way point.

house.pngThis is how it can feel anticipating the next four years.

My guess is that the chief weatherperson is on vacation in Hawaii and there is no backup but someone akin to a vice president who looks things up on Wikipedia, Encylopedia Brittanica  or Lands and Peoples from their home in Seattle. Even to Alaskans, Seattle is not the center of the universe.

landslands2lands3

I give the vice president, or whomever, the benefit of the 1955 edition even though the 1932 edition is more colorful.

1932.jpgEverything looks more colorful in the past – the reign of Queen Victoria, the winters of my childhood, the loves and losses. I distrust predicting the future with polls or by use of the vast amount of information available to me. The present continues to surprise me even though I speak to live people. Perhaps that’s because I know myself so poorly.

Only on few occasions do I speak to people without my hidden agenda oozing over my attempts at connection. Why should I expect any different from others? You would think I would have learned this practicing as a therapist but I continue to assume that with enough information I will be able to predict the behavior of others and even improve upon it. This is called grandiosity. Welcome to The American ideal.

I suffer from nostalgia which throw me into fantastical worlds where I am both old and young, safe yet brave, gifted yet of the common man. There are elements of these in both President Trump and Bernie Sanders. It must be difficult in a land of superheroes to elect a practical commander in chief.  Perhaps, the Christian culture fosters the search for a savior instead of a professional paper pusher. I forget that there is no paper anymore, just email, video and tweets.

I delight in ferreting out the B.S on Facebook, in The Huffington Post and The Anchorage Dispatch News. Perhaps those who practice Biblical Exegesis do this habitually or is it just the curse of the depressive? Paid adverts are deleted immediately, any post with a small child or wounded animal pleading not for themselves or their personal freedom but for the plight of their peoples are suspect. Promises and cures are equally annoying. I would enjoy reading that someone lost weight using tricks that would only work for them personally and may not be permanent.  The message is Hope. The command is Faith.

Even when I see many women marching in cute hats I question what I am supposed to feel. If I am honest, I know women used their savings, employed babysitters, and gained a sense of power on Saturday. These are women who vote and yet their vote did not win the election. I am not that interested. It’s good practice for the minority voice to be heard but I care more about the snow. It has fallen in vast amounts. People are mourning. I get it, but what about the snow? It’s still falling. I can be nostalgic and think about the good times we had but my source  is both removed and outdated.

  I am more interested in those who did not attend. Those who disagree, those who don’t vote, those who have an alternative solution to the world’s ills. These are the people who won the last election.  This is the weather I could have foretold by looking out the window in Alaska instead of listening to a weatherperson in Seattle.  It may be too late to get them to listen to me. I approach them not with my political agenda but with my own person, in my own hat. A show of force can be effective in some cases but in others it takes a fool to survive the chaos of the world. Wish me luck.

Getting behind the Wall – Alternative financing should Mexico not pay

 wall-cop

 Image from askideas.com ( 40 most funny Trump memes)

President elect Trump is exceedingly hopeful in his idea that Mexico will finance The Wall. I am a pessimist yet I believe that if you can’t beat them, attempt to win them over with your wit and wisdom.  Here is my list of ideas for making The Wall more fun and profitable.

  1. Offer bricks for sale that can be engraved with the name of your favorite illegal immigrant.

2.Trump Casino inside The Wall and a duty free shop featuring the Trump label a la  Paul Newman brand such as hot sauce, sweet and sour sauce, crack.

3.  Bricks on Mexican side flavored with various Agua Frescas  like Tamarindo and Horchata. Charge per lick.

4. Options available for internment in The Wall or cremation ashes to be mixed into a brick for a small fee.

5. Market mini blow up Walls for backyard barbeques and Cinco de Mayo.

6.  Giant Jenga section of The Wall as an amusement franchise.

7. License areas for International tic tac toe tournaments.

8. Build baseball fields in both The USA and Mexico which back up onto the wall with the option of extra points to be scored if the ball caught has flown over from another country.

9.  Use inside  sections for a Branch of Trump University and a for profit prison for people who have not apologized to Trump or Vice President Pence.

10. Conduct a lottery for passage into the USA based on a Hunger Games like contest.

11. Rent out the top of the wall for beauty pageants,  A Trump fun run or a Texas Rangers Drag show.

12. Rental space for Taco trucks with windows on both sides of the wall.

13.   New Branch of Wall Drug store.

14. Immigrant desert crossing reality TV show.

15.  Get artists to bid on rights to create statues to top The Wall depicting Trump, Putin, Stalin and others who like walls and dislike immigrants.

 

Grateful to Donald Trump

I am grateful never to have been assaulted by Mr. Trump. I am not a 10, I am not a number. I was surprised to find his campaign did not send either a picture or other identifying information for The Alaska Voter’s pamphlet. I am grateful he has forgotten since maybe that will deter a few people who might assume he is not on the ballot in our state.

The only time anyone has ever grabbed me by the crotch, I was walking in East Oakland after dark with grocery bags in each hand. A man grabbed me from behind using my crotch as a lever to rub against him. He was a special needs man and laughed at me when I cursed him.  This is who I think of when I think of Donald Trump.

I  am grateful to have made it this far in my life without a serious sexual assault. Of course there is still time. Even in nursing homes, where people don’t generally go looking for “10’s, there are assaults. That’s because  sexual assault isn’t about people being attractive. It’s about dominance and power. You could say it’s about wanting to be more like  Mr.Trump.

When I worked in mental health, I reminded people on outings that no one was going to comment on someone’s body in the YMCA locker room because everyone was trying their best to mind their own business and not attract attention to their own body. Most locker rooms are like this. I imagine Donald does not go to The YMCA very much. It’s easier to criticize other people’s bodies when you have a private pool.

Another great gift is Trump’s focus on  Making America White again.   Even the earliest migrations to America were successful due to the enslavement of people of color to build their settlements.   One can only be as rich as Trump by using other people’s labor to build an empire.  Queen Victoria, Big Cotton, Microsoft, Big Pharma,  The Holy Romans, Game of Thrones, your average workplace, they all insist that that human sacrifices must be made and those who make them will be rewarded.  Most of us spend our time trying to  be one even if it means that number two and number 200,141 resent us. Americans don’t like being average people. We want to be superstars and mavericks. I can’t imagine Trump saying that he would take a pay cut before laying off workers.  I could stand for making America mediocre but more equitable.

The Black Lives Matter Movement threatens the Trump hierarchy which puts police and the military and other corporations on top when actually these public servants are policing people who are their equals not scum. It is important to deal carefully with  those who disrupt public order. The most dangerous and despicable  deserve a trial as well as those with mental health issues. Many cultures question the death sentence but we hand these out daily on the streets of America.

Recently, it was suggested we start a neighborhood patrol or neighborhood watch for our street in Anchorage.  Burglaries are up. There have been several murders. One neighbor suggested we need people with military and police training to take part. I would say train the police to be less like the military and more like peace keepers. Let the neighborhood watch create a lively interaction between people who are looking out for each other and can help by banding together when in need.

Guns should be for getting food. I am not sure how guns figure in Donald Trumps life but they are implements of domination that I could live without. I appreciate that he is pro-gun because it makes it clearer that I need to be on the other side.

You may not agree that Donald Trump is a mirror of our inner will to dominate the world.  I think most will agree that he makes Kim Kardashian look like a potential write in candidate.  I wish you merry voting and a happy new era.

How serious is your Donald Trump Anxiety Disorder?

Posted on

crazy

Don’t loll around in de Nile. Just because a fear is realistic doesn’t mean it can’t be destructive and take control of your life! Take this easy quiz to see how ill you have become and find out what other people are doing about their diagnosis.

  1. How many Facebook posts have you written pleading for people to elect a female president? ( 1 point for each post)
  2.  Are you still considering voting for Bernie Sanders? (5 points)
  3. If Trump appears on the TV while you are on the treadmill at the gym, does the treadmill turn off automatically due to unsafe heart rate? (5 points)
  4. Have you used the words “Nazi” or “Hitler” within two syllables of the word “Donald” or the word “Trump.” in the last week? (5 points) Within the last hour (10 points)
  5. Have you avoided playing cards so you won’t have to say the “t” word?  (5 points)
  6. Have you thought about protesting at the Republican convention? (5 points) If you have already bought your airline or bus ticket (10 points)
  7. Have you considered moving to Canada? (1 point as Canada is pretty cool) Mexico (2 points), England (5 points)
  8. Do you ever lose sleep thinking about the election then get up and diminish your sorrow with bonbons and bread products? (5 points)
  9. Do you think you are smarter than most Americans (2 points)
  10. If you had a choice between eating a live rat and voting for Donald Trump, would you choose the rat? (2 points)

 

If you have 9 points or less you are probably a very psychologically healthy Republican.

If you have 10-20 points you are borderline obsessed with Trump

If you have 21 to 45 points you have a real problem and should consider some of the following options.

  1. Join the Communist party. Everyone probably thinks you are one anyway. Vote for their candidate. That way you won’t have to worry about your candidate losing because they always do.
  2. Consider opening a bakery or a bar. People always eat more sweets and drink more when things are going badly.
  3. Remind yourself that you are not in control of the outcome of this election. You only have one vote and the more you try to convince Trump voters that they are wrong the more they actually are right because you are annoying them with your liberal agenda. Even when you try to get people to vote for Hilary, people may vote for someone else just to spite you for spewing your anxiety at them. Feel free to register voters but remember that  if you do this fairly and legally, some of them will vote for Trump.
  4. It’s only 8 years maximum, unless he is really Hitler.
  5. If you live in Alaska, calm down! The state is already run like a Trump hotel.

crank