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The envelope I received today from Price Waterhouse

I’m a winner!

So is Hilary Clinton. My brother called to tell me that one.

My envelope was addressed to my neighbors but it was in my mailbox along with the box containing their Signature Hardware copper claw foot bathtub. Finders/Keepers. I have a really big mailbox. You could fit 140 of Donald Trump’s hands in it.

317436-72-hammered-copper-slipper-clawfoot-tub

This is what you want to hide under when there is an earthquake, if it doesn’t run away on those fat little legs. Body shaming aside, they are a bit tubby.

Why did Price Waterhouse pick me? Probably because I am from Manchester by the Sea. I am one of the former residents who, like Casey Affleck’s character, moved away to make less money than they could at home. Manchester is a really pretty place but you have to be really rich to live there. Little did I know that you have to be pretty rich to live well anywhere.   Maybe the letter was meant for Casey but I think he already got one.

I hear P.W. has two copies of every envelope they give out, which is a bit excessive. I don’t write two checks when I pay my rent or have sex with individuals twice just in case they didn’t hear me the first time.

But what to do about the bathtub? I’ve already made a couple of speeches about it to my easily impressed co-workers. My neighbors might get suspicious if there’s a plumber’s van in the driveway tomorrow so I will probably have to sleep with a working man for a believable backstory.

Truthfully, I think the postman made the mistake because I am white and my neighbors are not. I don’t make as much money as them but I look like I do based on skin tone.

No that can’t be it.  I’m Catholic, like Casey Affleck’s character. I’m the one who is oppressed and just can’t beat my past including my genetic tendencies towards violence and ridiculous sensitivity to both the sun and the criticism of others. Don’t tell me I live in La-La land because I live in Alaska where no one has a tub like this and everyone is really just a loser from somewhere else. Don’t make me give it back.

 I have my doubts about the integrity of Price Waterhouse.  My first association with that kind of fancy-ass name is Fisher Price toys but their tubs are much smaller and apparently come equipped with photogenic bathers.

tubs

Move over Sunny Pawar! I’m younger than you and I’m white!

 You may ask, what do all these references have in common? Do they all involve water? Yes but NO!  THEY ARE ALL FAKE NEWS!

I only got a catalog from Signature Hardware which is the Rock/Movie/Musical star of bathtub makers. It was not addressed to me. It was not addressed to my neighbors either. It was addressed to my roommate who is black and has a much better bedroom set than I have.

We do have a big mailbox.  We just got an upgrade. With three of us living here and about 10 old roommates who still get their mail here we needed it. Besides that, it has a lock so no one can steal our Academy Award letters.

I did audition for a movie the other day but I was funnier off script than on so I don’t think that is going anywhere fast. A girl can dream about playing an old alcoholic smoker who sees dead guys coming on to her but that doesn’t make her dreams come true.

I am from Manchester by the Sea. I recognize that the movie is not so much about that town but about the small town that many of us come from. The one that never forgets the best of people and the worst of them. The small town that is our family, our workplace, our culture that we can’t get far enough away from, because they’re inside of us. I’m proud to be from a town that will now be forever remembered for alcoholism and dysfunction.

I will probably not see the movie La-La land because I don’t need more fantasy in my life especially  anymore white people’s fantasy. This includes thinking I deserve more than I get and that life is fair. I should see Moonlight. Maybe I will go with my roommates.  Meanwhile I just had my taxes done at H&R Block. They only use one envelope.

In my culture – Tips for eating in the USA

In my culture, we reward the ingestion of nutrients with a non-nutritious dish

In my culture, only the ancient ones are allowed to consume non-nutritious dishes before the nutritious ones. If a nurse attempts to move the non-nutrition out of your reach it is within your rights to kick them.

dessert-far-left

In my culture, there is one meal which is so delicious that many restaurants serve it all day. This meal often includes a salty/sweet/greasy crunchy strip of meat as well as a batter which has been pressed into patterns that can hold a heavenly tree sauce.

In my culture, chocolate can be served in a solid, liquid, puddingish or cake like form. It is also available in an e-cigarette.

In my culture, a pizza can now contain Nutella.

In my culture, what goes in the spring roll, stays in the spring roll.

springroll

In my culture, you can kill someone with raw cookie dough

In my culture, almost everything is better with mix-ins.

In my culture, it is acceptable to sell Nyquil in several different flavors.

In my culture, Oreos lead the way in diversity

In my culture, eating more than your share of donuts may result in being shunned.

In my culture, it is possible to purchase a gourmet garbage meat tube in a roll or on a stick.

In my culture, “artisanal” usually means “rip-off.” It may also mean “Made by hipsters.”

artisan-food-trail-cambridge.png

 

 

 

 

All the annoying inspirational words you will ever need

obnoxious10

Thanks Mr. Nice guy. Quincy Jones is a business man. It works for him, but my self worth is less than his so I need your investment desperately!

 

obnoxious7

I might  still be working on that 3rd grade spelling quiz if I listened to Mr. Edison.  I haven’t given up on theatre though,  even though I began as a self satisfied stage hog and have progressed only to a become mediocre narcissist.  This is  a great quote to send friends struggling with addiction.

 

 

obnoxious16

I should really work harder at me. I am never good enough, especially good enough looking. Babies and children  are beautiful only because they secretly work out when we adults are binging on The Walking Dead featuring people who aren’t very good at being dead which helps our self esteem.

 

obnoxious15

Advice from someone who appeared to be miserable trying to be someone else until the day she died.  Not that I don’t have empathy with her struggles. Oh wait, I don’t because I am too confused by her double message and the waste of the person I am.

I can’t decide about the next two. I like the idea of being a moving target.

obnoxious3

still3

But am I just avoiding my spirit which wants to watch television in bed? My spirit wants to soar but I tell it to lay down on the floor and take a nap.

 

I hope I have distilled all I have learned on facebook from my friends and their gurus to make your life that much better, because it can always be better and more authentic than the person next to you!

 

 

 

 

 

Good Friday Cakes and candies!

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Easter Candy has gotten out of control! It’s been jumping into my mouth unbidden for weeks. Tomorrow is Good Friday and I must stop. Unfortunately, I’ve discovered that, living in Alaska, I have missed an entire dimension of sweeties – Good Friday treats!  As I was waiting at Walgreens for my antidepressants I saw these.

Theologically illogical

Theologically illogical

As you know, the cross is a symbol of Good Friday. Easter is after the cross. Easter is The Resurrection and the Easter Bunny, Eggs, Peeps etc.

But these are mass marketed goods. There are much better choices if you choose to celebrate Good Friday with a snack.

Still time to whip some of these up for the work crew tomorrow

Still time to whip some of these up for the work crew tomorrow

Or if you want to impress people with you religious authenticity you might want to purchase one of these.

artisanal Crucifixion

artisanal Crucifixion

It may not be 85% cacao but I think eating it would keep me up all night. If you want something a little more light hearted, how about these?

Fashion Forward Friday!

Fashion Forward Friday!

This one needs no explanation, or at least none that I can give you.

Pretzel jesus

Pretzel Jesus

I will spare you the cake pops and Cross pops, particularly the baby blue white chocolate versions which I pray are not blueberry or, worse still, razzleberry flavored. Instead let’s move right to the cakes! Here is one which I give points not only for its sincerity but for its execution, no pun intended.

Classy

Classy

Technically this is a Christmas cake but just a change the birthday greeting to something referring to his death would make it work.

Lucky for you, I have been doing my research and have located the treasure trove of Good Friday and Religiously themed cakes on the web. You will love the use of a chocolate chip cookie as the stone rolled away from the tomb. Check it out!

http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com/bella/2013/03/jesus_cakes_easter_fail.php

Happy Good Friday. You really should do The Stations of The Cross this year to make up for all these calories. Don’t forget your Fitbit!

American Woman – A Psalm

 

My plate is so full

Of fasting, fitness and frequent flyer miles,

That I rejoice.

Let us raise a glass of fermented water

To the pursuit of eternal health and recreation.

L’Chaim!

My tapas runneth over,

And my points don’t expire.

Alaska gifts for the holidays!

Nothing says Alaska more than a personal firearm!

Nothing says Alaska more than a personal firearm!

 

I get this flyer every year. Perhaps you do as well? Maybe it has the state of Massachusetts or Rhode Island  printed on the handle instead?  There are apparently only 100 made for each state so the odds are you’ll have a better chance of getting an Alaskan one as we have less people.  I wonder why I keep getting this flyer when I usually just buy 35″ low rise boot cut corduroys online? Maybe they think I’m a cowgirl?

 

the utility combo

the utility combo

I took this photo right from the flyer – what a fun combination! My mind goes to a bad place though.  Measure the family jewels and if they don’t come up to snuff – stuff them with a sock or two!  Notice it’s a very tiny tape measure- probably only goes up to 12 or 14 inches. That’s long enough for most men. Definitely long enough for most women!

 

You need a license to have a gun, but not for one of these!

You need a license to have a gun, but not for one of these!

Once again, right out of the paper! You can buy your own drone and send something nice or nasty to someone via your cell phone which we hope you bought off the black market so it can’t be traced.  Perhaps you could just deliver some groceries or a love note but I’m pretty sure that’s not what most people are thinking when they’re in the market for a drone. I’m not sure how it operates when it’s 20 below outside, (note how the advertisement seems to place it in the desert.)

 

wow - up to 100% effective!

wow – up to 100% effective!

Up to one hundred percent effective feminine protection from “leaks!”   I was hoping for more than 100 % but then my expectations have always been a little too high. I wonder what the average or mean protection level is?  Can I really mix and match the teen and pregnancy pads with confidence?  What a great gift item for the premenopausal woman on your list – an almost “Always” reliable product which says I love you and want you leak free and confident. Merry Christmas.

Something for everyone!

Something for everyone!

I had no idea this was” the season for Comfort and Strength.” I thought it was the season of candy and lights, of good cheer and charity. No, it’s the season of Charmin with comfort cushions!   No longer do I need to take comfort in the company of friends and family or find strength in the faith of a shining star which points to hope. I can find it all on the toilet roll.

 

For your lawn

For your lawn

Anchorage has more than its fair share of air-blown  lawn ornaments but this is one I saw online that’s a must have for the  bacon lover in your life. Perhaps you could put a bacon car scent thing in the air blower to give it that je ne sais quoi?   I saw an inflatable rat at a protest site the other day and thought wow that would be great for Halloween.  An inflatable pig with a bow and Santa hat? That might be good for…? A barbeque? An election? Mardi gras?  You can buy these online and get them delivered to Alaska but order now, only 100 per state!

 

 

 

 

 

For Mother’s Day

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 mothers6

Sing praises now of all the mothers

Who raised our friends, our dogs and brothers.

They were not perfect, they had the gall

To give us life, quite terminal.

 

 

Mrs. O’Toole and Mrs. Brown,

As moms, they were the best in town.

They cooked good meals, dried many tears,

And passed along their darkest fears.

 

 

Mrs. Jones was quite the sport

She triumphed on the tennis court.

She taught her children how to serve.

Twenty to life, they did with verve.

 

 

We must applaud dear Mrs. Rice.

She was the queen of sacrifice.

She gave her children everything –

Not any love, but lots of bling.

 

 

Miss Lowenstein , a single mom,

Struggled to raise her feisty Tom.

She made him study, made him work.

We’re not sure what made him a jerk.

 

 

Mrs. Calhoun could not care less

Whether her home was quite a mess.

Her furniture and kids had fleas,

Also the best flat screen TV’s.

 

 

We were afraid of Mrs. Blunt.

A big gal she, was not a runt.

Her name rhymed with a profane word.

Her high strung children all had GERD.

 

 

Everyone loved that  Mrs. Quince.

Her style and pride, we’ve not seen since.

She had a slew of space cadets.

As to their dads, bookies took bets.

 

 

The richest mom was Ms. Blaisart

Her husband drove a brown Dodge Dart.

Her children all wore thrift shop clothes.

The money went straight up her nose.

 

 

If your mom has not been cited

 Don’t feel hurt or somehow slighted

Those crazy moms, they’re quite a bunch.

Don’t poison their Sunday brunch.

 

 

This poem inspired by “Dog Days” by David Sedaris which can be found in his new book “Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls

All similarities to any moms living or dead are sincerely subconsious.