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Pokémon forecast for Anchorage, AK 7/14/2016

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heli

Today on the Tony Knowles Coastal Trail it was cloudy with a chance of Pikachu. The pilot of the above helicopter was charging extraordinary large sums to tourists obsessed with Pokémon Go.  This was troubling to every couple I almost mowed down on the trail because they were searching for invisible monsters while their dogs and children obliviously enjoyed the beautiful Anchorage weather. It was about 70 degrees, warm enough to bake me in the costume I’m considering renting tomorrow.  What could be more fun than running through a crowd of people looking down at their cell phones when you’re are professionally dressed as a Pikachu?

This is the gold standard which I will rent if available.

pika1

This is adorable but probably difficult to run in considering someone may try to tackle me.

This next guy  is actually labelled “Sexy Pikachu” in the costume listing.

sexypika

His figure is very similar to mine so I am starting to feel a little sexy. But given that both of these are probably outside my budget I may have to resort to this next costume, which costs about $30 to buy. They wanted $28 dollars to ship it which is common for Alaska if  also stupid. I could run easily in it, wear it to bed, maybe even to work and possible carry candy to throw at people in case they chased me.

pikareg

I read on Facebook, (I know, not a reliable source, but who needs reliability for these kinds of things), that there were  about 100 people milling around Town Square Park in downtown at 11 pm last night. They were playing Pokémon Go.  I thought we had posted extra police to contain that kind of thing?  Maybe they were police?

Who am I to question this fanaticism? I baked 7 pies this month just so I could have something to look forward to. It’s not like I’m any more mature than these folks. I threw a water balloon at my roommate yesterday and I’m 56 years old. He wasn’t even outdoors. He was sitting at the kitchen table!  I haven’t been blogging lately because I don’t have anything important to say but that doesn’t stop anyone else.

May your world be full of monsters that only you can capture. I was informed that there was a Pigeot or Pigiotto in my kitchen for a short time this morning. My roommate, who does not have a smart phone, was  able to capture it  even though he felt emasculated by having to watch a similar monster prance around across the street.

The sky may be grey tomorrow but wonderful monsters will fall from the sky and  people with funny brains will be out to meet them along with some nut dressed like a Pikachu.

Pokémon GO!

How serious is your Donald Trump Anxiety Disorder?

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crazy

Don’t loll around in de Nile. Just because a fear is realistic doesn’t mean it can’t be destructive and take control of your life! Take this easy quiz to see how ill you have become and find out what other people are doing about their diagnosis.

  1. How many Facebook posts have you written pleading for people to elect a female president? ( 1 point for each post)
  2.  Are you still considering voting for Bernie Sanders? (5 points)
  3. If Trump appears on the TV while you are on the treadmill at the gym, does the treadmill turn off automatically due to unsafe heart rate? (5 points)
  4. Have you used the words “Nazi” or “Hitler” within two syllables of the word “Donald” or the word “Trump.” in the last week? (5 points) Within the last hour (10 points)
  5. Have you avoided playing cards so you won’t have to say the “t” word?  (5 points)
  6. Have you thought about protesting at the Republican convention? (5 points) If you have already bought your airline or bus ticket (10 points)
  7. Have you considered moving to Canada? (1 point as Canada is pretty cool) Mexico (2 points), England (5 points)
  8. Do you ever lose sleep thinking about the election then get up and diminish your sorrow with bonbons and bread products? (5 points)
  9. Do you think you are smarter than most Americans (2 points)
  10. If you had a choice between eating a live rat and voting for Donald Trump, would you choose the rat? (2 points)

 

If you have 9 points or less you are probably a very psychologically healthy Republican.

If you have 10-20 points you are borderline obsessed with Trump

If you have 21 to 45 points you have a real problem and should consider some of the following options.

  1. Join the Communist party. Everyone probably thinks you are one anyway. Vote for their candidate. That way you won’t have to worry about your candidate losing because they always do.
  2. Consider opening a bakery or a bar. People always eat more sweets and drink more when things are going badly.
  3. Remind yourself that you are not in control of the outcome of this election. You only have one vote and the more you try to convince Trump voters that they are wrong the more they actually are right because you are annoying them with your liberal agenda. Even when you try to get people to vote for Hilary, people may vote for someone else just to spite you for spewing your anxiety at them. Feel free to register voters but remember that  if you do this fairly and legally, some of them will vote for Trump.
  4. It’s only 8 years maximum, unless he is really Hitler.
  5. If you live in Alaska, calm down! The state is already run like a Trump hotel.

crank

 

Crazy things I must do in order to keep alive

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  1.  Find joy in life even though it is not fair and I have been given much more time and gifts than I possibly deserve.

2. DO NOT read the news everyday.  Make small talk or change the topic with  people who dwell on catastrophe and politics.  I can never correct all the damage done by my people and my culture but I can make my own personal amends. I do not need to be sold on the right path. Remember that this path is not likely to be approved by my family, workplace or any major sponsor!

2. Dance everyday even though I am a terrible dancer. This includes the cage dance I was invited to do at the playground downtown. Thank you, Schatzie Schaeffer I had almost gotten to  9 pm without a healthy pole dance.

3. Remember to let my glasses fall into the port-a-potty once in awhile. I did this at The Three Baron’s Faire and immediately plucked them out. I should have let them sit there a bit and taken a photo.

4. Don’t expect my roommate not to eat my ice cream when he gets up with the munchies. Don’t expect him to replace it either. It is a losing battle and not that important but I can buy ridiculous flavors which might gross him out like mango-turnip crunch with chia.

5.  Do write, to keep in touch with friends and to let out my hopes and fears which as the song says are “baked into a beautiful pie.”

 

6.  Keep on riding the unicycle even though I bruised my rib and can still feel it when I go to bed. I may be a sensitive person. I cry easily and I want people to like me but I am not giving up yet. As one of my therapists told me, “don’t fire yourself, let them fire you.”

7. Wear the clown nose when I am driving, except when I have to sneeze.

8.  Always stop for unicorns.

unicorn.png

Anxiety woman rides again!

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This time I was riding my unicycle. It’s not a really high one, but I fell off it anyway and in a spectacular heap on the concrete at work in front of a crowd. But that is the reason anxiety woman has a unicycle, to confront humiliation and injury with a laugh and a scab. It was only the next day that I realized I had done something to my rib, on the opposite side. This was probably the result of me panicking, torqueing my body so that I did not impact just one bone but spread the misery to many. Now I can breathe but I can not sneeze or fart without a little Brutus reminding me of my folly.

I haven’t been writing lately because of my obsession with the unicycle. According to the internet it take 10 hours to establish some agility with the beast. Being just over 55 I might have allowed a few more hours. I took unicycle classes in my 30’s and thought it might come back to me quicker but I was wrong. I also willed myself to disaster by volunteering to unicycle for clown day at work knowing I had only a month to prepare. I did manage to stilt walk through the nursing home  with only a little hesitation getting in and off the elevator.

Was I anxious? Yes! Did I die? No! Did I injure myself just like the nurses feared? Yes I did, but they did not have to tend to me because I hid it rather well and then self diagnosed on the internet rather than let them lord it over me. I have been treating myself with naps, ibuprofen, reduced exercise and plenty of sugary sweets. I also bought the Sunday New York  Times.

Meanwhile Anchorage is green and breezy. There is a moose down the street lazily munching in the brush where I think the neighbors secretly planted marijuana. Some crazy desperate couple robbed all the mailboxes on the street today. Do I care? I have no checks coming in the mail.  I  also have no idea what I am doing with my life so I am keeping it simple. Eat, sleep, go to work, get outside, throw things away, talk to friends. The trouble is I am always looking for some purpose or  adulation to shore me up until the next event like a trip or a show to perform in. All  my friends who are in relationships are perhaps not regularly nourished with daily love snacks but not having a loved one at home, I have become a forager. The emotional dumpster diver, I stink of the fear of rejection.

Tomorrow I will go to work and beg off going to the fancy cocktail celebration I invited myself to. Both my co-workers were going but I had not been invited so I volunteered my presence. Why would anyone invite themselves to a work event that they didn’t have to attend? I guess I wanted to be invited and this seemed like the next best thing instead of  what I now see is the world’s worst idea.

It would have been much easier to fly off the unicycle and crunch a rib by myself than in front of a crowd at work. This kind of stunt doesn’t earn one an invite to a evening dress party. Instead I can be an invisible presence at the party. Not one of the movers and shakers but someone who can be talked about for their faux pas!  People can notice I am not there or better yet I could celebrate not looking for their approval by having my own cocktail party wearing a fleece and shorts. I had a cocktail the other night at a lovely wedding reception and felt so adult for a minute and a half.  I was wearing a fleece, the informal uniform of all Alaskans. I was not the only one. There was one other woman ,        ( single), drinking a cocktail and one man who was wearing a fleece.  I am not alone in my desire for comfort and belonging. Fleece is also easier to clean than silk after climbing out of the emotional dumpster.

So instead of going to the party I will have some cold milk soup with raisins in it. That makes my roommates laugh. We threw away all the old roommates food and everything that had expired in the fridge so cold milk soup with flakes and raisins it is.   I will eventually post of photo of me on the unicycle as I am still planning on riding it in the 4th of July parade! Either that or a photo of me with a cast, wearing a cone of shame.

All the annoying inspirational words you will ever need

obnoxious10

Thanks Mr. Nice guy. Quincy Jones is a business man. It works for him, but my self worth is less than his so I need your investment desperately!

 

obnoxious7

I might  still be working on that 3rd grade spelling quiz if I listened to Mr. Edison.  I haven’t given up on theatre though,  even though I began as a self satisfied stage hog and have progressed only to a become mediocre narcissist.  This is  a great quote to send friends struggling with addiction.

 

 

obnoxious16

I should really work harder at me. I am never good enough, especially good enough looking. Babies and children  are beautiful only because they secretly work out when we adults are binging on The Walking Dead featuring people who aren’t very good at being dead which helps our self esteem.

 

obnoxious15

Advice from someone who appeared to be miserable trying to be someone else until the day she died.  Not that I don’t have empathy with her struggles. Oh wait, I don’t because I am too confused by her double message and the waste of the person I am.

I can’t decide about the next two. I like the idea of being a moving target.

obnoxious3

still3

But am I just avoiding my spirit which wants to watch television in bed? My spirit wants to soar but I tell it to lay down on the floor and take a nap.

 

I hope I have distilled all I have learned on facebook from my friends and their gurus to make your life that much better, because it can always be better and more authentic than the person next to you!

 

 

 

 

 

Bernie and the bird- a musical update

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Let me preface this post with the fact that although I am not a bird, I speak bird fluently just as Harry Potter speaks parseltongue.  As I found out from my ancestry.com DNA test, I am descended from the great house of Cockatoo. Those who know me will recognize the resemblance in this photo of my fifth cousin once removed.

cockatoo

Amazing isn’t it!

Anyway after all the hype about that common bird making a guest appearance at a Bernie Sanders  rally in Portland I thought I might share a few insights. The crowd was roaring, utterly blocking out the voice of the bird, so he left. But here are a few things you might have heard him share which I have translated for you.

“May I build a nest with your hair?”” Never mind, the other candidates have more resources. Bye Bye now”

“Everyone’s looking at you! Now they’re looking at me! I love television.”

“There’s a hole in the roof everyone! The infrastructure is collapsing! You think that’s a good thing? ”

“You’re lucky. I could have been a WASP!”

“Relax everyone, I’m getting Union wages for this gig. Catch me on Portlandia in two weeks”

“Did someone say “seeds of change”? I could have sworn I heard the word seeds.

“I’ve got a little secret for you – nobody wins this race.”

What  bird commentary would be complete without a little song. So here you go, I wish I could tweet it but it’s a bit too long.

“Bernie and The Bird”

(a big shout out to our buddy Elton John even though he wore feathers)

Hey kids, shake it loose together
The spotlight’s hitting something
That’s been known to change the weather
We’ll smoke some funny seeds tonight
So stick around
You’re gonna hear some socialism
Nesty stuff profound

Say, Ashley, Avery have you seen them yet?
But they’re so spaced out, BBBernie and the Bird
Oh but they’re weird and they’re wonderful
Oh Bernie He’s not the borg
He’s gonna stop all wars, thinks that less is more
You know I read it on EatTheState.org
BBBernie and the Bird

Hey kids, plug into the faithless
Maybe they’re blinded
But Bernie makes them ageless
We shall survive, let us take ourselves along
Where we fight our parents out in the streets
To find who’s right and who’s wrong

Oh, Argon, Denali have you seen them yet?
But they’re so zenned out, BBBernie and the Bird
Oh but they’re organic and they’re spiritual
Oh Bernie His politics are clean
The bird’s real cute, a youtube hoot,
But I’m not sure what it all means
BBBernie and the bird.

[Instrumental]

Oh, Biffy and Randall, have you seen them yet?
But they’re funded small, BBBernie and the Bird

Vote for Utopia and Underdogs.

He looks like Francis of Assisi
And for Vice President, the bird was sent

His brain is the size of a pea.

BBBernie and the bird.

Bernie, Bernie and the Bird
Bernie, Bernie, Bernie, Bernie and the Bird.
Bernie and the Bird

Bernie and the Bird.

 

 

Truth in Advertising: State Mottoes

zombies

Not my map but a great rendering. I note that Zombies still roam free in Sleepy Hollow.

 

Here are some mottoes I thought up rather than watch TV although I did catch a bit of Sleepy Hollow. I enjoy a show where Ichabod Crane is astonished that anyone would make a musical about the life of Alexander Hamilton. “He had the voice of a croaking goat!” It must have been fun to write that line.

 

Ichabod Crane

“Yes my character is ridiculous but at least I didn’t get cast as The Headless Horseman.”

 

Sometimes when I am at loose ends I think moving to a new state might solve my problems. Then I remember that many states are just as ridiculous as Alaska.  My motto for Alaska, therefore comes first.

Alaska:   Where Hell really doth freeze over.

Alternatives were:

“Come for the Free Dividend, Leave to avoid arrest.”

Alaska – Land of the Sex Offender

( We have the most per capita)

Alaska – When there’s no place else to go

or how about

Alaska – Even Sarah Palin knew enough to get out

whopalin

Of course, other states are equally as odd, and what is much worse, they are hot, as in over 75 degrees Fahrenheit. It is rarely warmer than that in Alaska. Consider Florida where many people move precisely to avoid winter. I don’t think I could make it there as I begin to sweat at 50 degrees. But here is a sample slogan –

 

Florida:  We may be old but at least we don’t expect our kids to shovel the driveway

Florida:  There is nothing wrong with old people but we do have more oranges than old people.

If you do a bit of research you will find that Maine, NH and Vermont also have relatively elder populations, and thus….

Vermont:  Yes there is a Bernie Sander’s flavor!

bernie

I’m pretty sure The Bern did pretty well in the Sleepy Hollow caucus.

There are many other states which deserve truthful mottoes which reflect their essence rather than their brand. Such as:

Massachusetts – Hope you can understand what we are saying!

or

MA:  Home of Dunkin’!

Louisiana:  We take off our tops because it’s hot!

(Considered a photo here but then decided to leave it to your imagination)

Oklahoma:  We have a lot of reservations

Texas:  We’ll leave when the oil dries up or the water, whichever is first

California:  It’s not our fault, okay maybe it is.

Michigan: Come for the water!

Oregon:  It’s not real, It’s a television show

Connecticut:  It’s not Harvard, but it’s not crap either

Mississippi: At least you can drink our water!

Utah:  Always bring a pocket knife!

(Reconsidered the wisdom of putting a photo here as well)

Arkansas: Clinton Forever!

North Carolina:  Don’t be gay!

Hawaii:  We may not be a state for long

Flag_of_Hawaii_Hawaiian_sovereignty.svg

Inverted Hawaiian flag represents the Kingdom of Hawaii in distress and is the main symbol of the Hawaiian sovereignty movement

If you have a great new motto for your state or your part of the world please add it in the comments. Political incorrectness be damned.

 

 

 

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