RSS Feed

All the annoying inspirational words you will ever need

obnoxious10

Thanks Mr. Nice guy. Quincy Jones is a business man. It works for him, but my self worth is less than his so I need your investment desperately!

 

obnoxious7

I might  still be working on that 3rd grade spelling quiz if I listened to Mr. Edison.  I haven’t given up on theatre though,  even though I began as a self satisfied stage hog and have progressed only to a become mediocre narcissist.  This is  a great quote to send friends struggling with addiction.

 

 

obnoxious16

I should really work harder at me. I am never good enough, especially good enough looking. Babies and children  are beautiful only because they secretly work out when we adults are binging on The Walking Dead featuring people who aren’t very good at being dead which helps our self esteem.

 

obnoxious15

Advice from someone who appeared to be miserable trying to be someone else until the day she died.  Not that I don’t have empathy with her struggles. Oh wait, I don’t because I am too confused by her double message and the waste of the person I am.

I can’t decide about the next two. I like the idea of being a moving target.

obnoxious3

still3

But am I just avoiding my spirit which wants to watch television in bed? My spirit wants to soar but I tell it to lay down on the floor and take a nap.

 

I hope I have distilled all I have learned on facebook from my friends and their gurus to make your life that much better, because it can always be better and more authentic than the person next to you!

 

 

 

 

 

Bernie and the bird- a musical update

Posted on

Let me preface this post with the fact that although I am not a bird, I speak bird fluently just as Harry Potter speaks parseltongue.  As I found out from my ancestry.com DNA test, I am descended from the great house of Cockatoo. Those who know me will recognize the resemblance in this photo of my fifth cousin once removed.

cockatoo

Amazing isn’t it!

Anyway after all the hype about that common bird making a guest appearance at a Bernie Sanders  rally in Portland I thought I might share a few insights. The crowd was roaring, utterly blocking out the voice of the bird, so he left. But here are a few things you might have heard him share which I have translated for you.

“May I build a nest with your hair?”” Never mind, the other candidates have more resources. Bye Bye now”

“Everyone’s looking at you! Now they’re looking at me! I love television.”

“There’s a hole in the roof everyone! The infrastructure is collapsing! You think that’s a good thing? ”

“You’re lucky. I could have been a WASP!”

“Relax everyone, I’m getting Union wages for this gig. Catch me on Portlandia in two weeks”

“Did someone say “seeds of change”? I could have sworn I heard the word seeds.

“I’ve got a little secret for you – nobody wins this race.”

What  bird commentary would be complete without a little song. So here you go, I wish I could tweet it but it’s a bit too long.

“Bernie and The Bird”

(a big shout out to our buddy Elton John even though he wore feathers)

Hey kids, shake it loose together
The spotlight’s hitting something
That’s been known to change the weather
We’ll smoke some funny seeds tonight
So stick around
You’re gonna hear some socialism
Nesty stuff profound

Say, Ashley, Avery have you seen them yet?
But they’re so spaced out, BBBernie and the Bird
Oh but they’re weird and they’re wonderful
Oh Bernie He’s not the borg
He’s gonna stop all wars, thinks that less is more
You know I read it on EatTheState.org
BBBernie and the Bird

Hey kids, plug into the faithless
Maybe they’re blinded
But Bernie makes them ageless
We shall survive, let us take ourselves along
Where we fight our parents out in the streets
To find who’s right and who’s wrong

Oh, Argon, Denali have you seen them yet?
But they’re so zenned out, BBBernie and the Bird
Oh but they’re organic and they’re spiritual
Oh Bernie His politics are clean
The bird’s real cute, a youtube hoot,
But I’m not sure what it all means
BBBernie and the bird.

[Instrumental]

Oh, Biffy and Randall, have you seen them yet?
But they’re funded small, BBBernie and the Bird

Vote for Utopia and Underdogs.

He looks like Francis of Assisi
And for Vice President, the bird was sent

His brain is the size of a pea.

BBBernie and the bird.

Bernie, Bernie and the Bird
Bernie, Bernie, Bernie, Bernie and the Bird.
Bernie and the Bird

Bernie and the Bird.

 

 

Truth in Advertising: State Mottoes

zombies

Not my map but a great rendering. I note that Zombies still roam free in Sleepy Hollow.

 

Here are some mottoes I thought up rather than watch TV although I did catch a bit of Sleepy Hollow. I enjoy a show where Ichabod Crane is astonished that anyone would make a musical about the life of Alexander Hamilton. “He had the voice of a croaking goat!” It must have been fun to write that line.

 

Ichabod Crane

“Yes my character is ridiculous but at least I didn’t get cast as The Headless Horseman.”

 

Sometimes when I am at loose ends I think moving to a new state might solve my problems. Then I remember that many states are just as ridiculous as Alaska.  My motto for Alaska, therefore comes first.

Alaska:   Where Hell really doth freeze over.

Alternatives were:

“Come for the Free Dividend, Leave to avoid arrest.”

Alaska – Land of the Sex Offender

( We have the most per capita)

Alaska – When there’s no place else to go

or how about

Alaska – Even Sarah Palin knew enough to get out

whopalin

Of course, other states are equally as odd, and what is much worse, they are hot, as in over 75 degrees Fahrenheit. It is rarely warmer than that in Alaska. Consider Florida where many people move precisely to avoid winter. I don’t think I could make it there as I begin to sweat at 50 degrees. But here is a sample slogan –

 

Florida:  We may be old but at least we don’t expect our kids to shovel the driveway

Florida:  There is nothing wrong with old people but we do have more oranges than old people.

If you do a bit of research you will find that Maine, NH and Vermont also have relatively elder populations, and thus….

Vermont:  Yes there is a Bernie Sander’s flavor!

bernie

I’m pretty sure The Bern did pretty well in the Sleepy Hollow caucus.

There are many other states which deserve truthful mottoes which reflect their essence rather than their brand. Such as:

Massachusetts – Hope you can understand what we are saying!

or

MA:  Home of Dunkin’!

Louisiana:  We take off our tops because it’s hot!

(Considered a photo here but then decided to leave it to your imagination)

Oklahoma:  We have a lot of reservations

Texas:  We’ll leave when the oil dries up or the water, whichever is first

California:  It’s not our fault, okay maybe it is.

Michigan: Come for the water!

Oregon:  It’s not real, It’s a television show

Connecticut:  It’s not Harvard, but it’s not crap either

Mississippi: At least you can drink our water!

Utah:  Always bring a pocket knife!

(Reconsidered the wisdom of putting a photo here as well)

Arkansas: Clinton Forever!

North Carolina:  Don’t be gay!

Hawaii:  We may not be a state for long

Flag_of_Hawaii_Hawaiian_sovereignty.svg

Inverted Hawaiian flag represents the Kingdom of Hawaii in distress and is the main symbol of the Hawaiian sovereignty movement

If you have a great new motto for your state or your part of the world please add it in the comments. Political incorrectness be damned.

 

 

 

Anxiety woman survives another Anchorage “winter”

I use the term “winter” quite loosely as it has been an unheard of 40 degrees F most everyday this week.  The Fur Rondy sled dog races were abbreviated from 30 miles to 3 as the dogs are mushing through slush brought in from the local snow dump. I biked to the fireworks tonight. I have done this before bundled up like a blimp but today I wore fingerless gloves and a light jacket. Note the lack of hats on these festival goers.

hats

You would think we Alaskans would rejoice in the warmth and lack of snow but instead we are MISERABLE!  It is darker when there is no snow to reflect the small amount of light we get. Also there is no skiing of any sort and now the skating is also impossible. Biking with studs and running with cleats are my fallbacks.

So here is how I got through this pseudo winter.

  1.  I paid no attention to the presidential campaign.  Sure, I laughed at some Trump memes on facebook. Especially the one my friend Luke posted of the entire library staff wearing a familiar hairdo.

2.    I didn’t force myself to blog, as I would have bored you to death with my petty problems and horrible anxiety about my new job. It is a pretty good job by the way but like most people I feel I am doing a horrible job when I start something new. Unlike most people, my mind exaggerates it to a life and death struggle and I accumulate as many stress related diseases I can manage to contract at one time.

3.   I did a play. It was an awesome opportunity as I only was onstage for two minutes so I had plenty of time to either be anxious or remind myself that I was having fun. One way I have fun is trying on hats. There’s no better place than a theater for outrageous hats.

fluff

Is this not one of the best hats ever? My costume was pretty cool too. I was playing a dead alcoholic in heaven. The play was Kurt Vonnegut’s Happy Birthday Wanda June. You can’t find it on the internet because he hated the film but the play is hysterical.  Here’s another winning hat:

viking

I realize this is not for everyday wear but Easter is coming up.

By the way, this particular theater, Cyrano’s in Anchorage, has a lovely anti-anxiety poster backstage.

nix

When I catch myself thinking just how bad I could screw up, I remind myself that Richard Nixon just made things worse for himself by being all tense. Must have been very difficult to deal with getting impeached. If I lost my job or got kicked out of a show at least it wouldn’t be the biggest story of its day.

Here is some lovely headgear I wore today.

hairn

I am working at a nursing home. My costume was a 60’s waitress uniform. Our African American history celebration fell to me as the sole activity staff working on Saturdays. I came up with a successful theme – The Integration Cafe ( like a much nicer place than the Woolworth’s where the black students were not served.) Since we had already used up our entire budget for the month, all we needed were pies and a bit of ingenuity.  Everyone was encouraged to sit by someone they didn’t know well, I served pie and ice cream shakes ( we already had the ice cream and the milk!). We watched an excellent film on the music of the civil rights movement, followed by  someone who had prepared a solo and a spontaneous sing-a-long of songs from the movement. I had library books on The Harlem Renaissance, The Tuskegee Airmen and such on the cafe tables and photocopies of famous and not so famous African American pioneers.  Can you tell I am proud! I’ve come a long way from hating myself completely! The singing helps. Also the family members and friends of the residents who helped out. I feel like I am part of a team now.

So I have to remind myself that I can always try on a hat. There are many people to help out if I only ask. There is always chocolate and I don’t have to beat myself up for eating it when I’m anxious and depressed because very soon I will have A DENTAL PLAN!!!!

 

 

Happy exclusive relationship day to you!

As you may guess, I am not currently nor have I for many years been in an exclusive relationship. I am also not polyamorous or  anything other than a long term single person. I have nothing against holidays because I live to celebrate the slightest suggestion of fun, but the Bernie Sanders in me has had it with the 1 percent of you hogging your exclusive ownership of someone’s heart. I knew early on that not buying a home or having an exclusive best friend/husband or even a steady career path was going to be challenging to the understanding of some people. That appears to be my function in the world, to challenge some people. Yet, had I known how nervous I would become by lacking the world’s approval I would have not tried so hard to please everyone and focused solely on one person for the best possible results.

I grew up when everyone in school decorated a shoe box and received penny valentines from their classmates. Of course, I wished that someone liked me enough to give me a big one with glitter on it but that meant there was pressure to reciprocate and I was not that competent at glitter at the time. I looked at a page of vintage valentines and recognized a few – kids in spaceships together, a favorite as well as a big pig/hog wishing one a lovely day. I’m sure I got the latter one at least twice. That’s the kind that falls to the person you don’t want to get any wrong ideas, the one at the bottom of the list, that your mom  reminds you is on your class roster.

I also saw some that were perfectly delightful which I wish I had received even if the person just sent it by mistake. Here are a few:

valunim

My roommates and I had to google how to percolate coffee the other day. One must time the bubbles to ensure unburning of the coffee. I think these two no doubt aluminum buddies are really cute.Seeing as I love to cook I also loved this following one which  looks a bit like me if I dyed my hair.

vbeater2

I can’t find my egg beater. How does one lose an egg beater? Did it elope with the shortening cutter or are they both in a threesome somewhere with the slotted spoon? I may never know. This next one is not so cute but equally archaic.

vdarn

The socks I buy wear out throughout the bottom so that there is no way I can actually fix one without sewing an entire sock on top of it.  I enjoy the forlorn  look on this fellow’s face, as it he just knows he’s going to get the boot!

Here is my last vintage favorite. I know I got one like it before but it was a white potato because we were Irish.

vyam

This one is healthy. I love how he has a cane and she loves him without judging his disability.

Here are some new valentines I’ve missed out on, although I can’t complain as I have not sent any out and have adequately indulged in both ice cream and cake today.

vdrwho

I have not however indulged in custard with fishsticks.This one also caught my eye.

vdoctorwho2

This allows me to laugh at my own phobia of love.

I hope you had a good time with your exclusive love today even though I did not, or maybe I did and your love is not as exclusive as you might think.

 

 

Awkward party moments made fun!

I was raised to be the life of the party and I can do it without alcohol, drugs or a game board. The trick is I enjoy a good awkward situation.  Since New Year’s Eve is here I’m sharing some party pointers with you anxious party avoiders. Have a zinger ready when you have exhausted yourself preparing to entertain and then panic when people arrive. Look at each crash and burn moment as a chance to light up the sky with flames of even more awkwardness. Give them a line they won’t  forget or that will at least  make them as uncomfortable as you are.  Here are some lines that have worked for me.

1. You can’t remember the person’s name at introduction time. Try some of these:

“This is my other wife, no, not my ex, I have two, you didn’t know? Wow, excuse me, gotta go.”

“Oh my God, (Hug, Kiss, cry) Look who’s here! Everyone, can I have your attention..On the count of 3 say hello. 123 Hello………….Don’t you remember his name. What kind of people are you?”

” Hi this is a person who  bakes delicious food and I believe you are someone who likes to eat delicious food, am I right? Make yourselves at home.”

” I have to introduce you two by code names because you are both so attractive I don’t want you to stalk each other.”

“I believe these are the droids you are looking for.”

 

2. Someone asks how you know the host or a guest and it’s not something you wish to share, as in you met them in a support group, you are the hired help, or you just crashed the party.

” We met in a church parking lot. We were both looking for a support group and couldn’t find it so we said f*# it and went out for coffee.  What support group was it anyway, do you remember?  Women who hate too much? Snickers anonymous?”

” Oh, I’m being paid to attend this party, aren’t you? I think everyone else is. Sorry, maybe you’ll get paid next time.”

” We went to X-Men school together.”

” We were supposed to be looking for these two droids and the rest is history”

regrets1

3. Someone asks an intrusive question like “Do you own this place?” “How much do you pay a month?” “How do you all share one bathroom?” “Do you mind if I clean up the place a bit?” “What do you do for a living?” ” Do you have any kids?” “Is that your natural hair color?”

“Jeez, I really don’t know the answer to that question. Shall we Google it?”

” Just a moment, let me get my liar, I mean my lawyer. He knows that kind of stuff right off the top of his head.”

” How about those droids you were looking for?

droidsposter

Now get out there and have some fun!

 

 

 

 

Best Christmas presents eva!

And that is not Eva, like Eva Marie Saint who is 91 years old now just in case you never heard of her. The word is “eva” as in how you pronounce the word “ever” in Boston.

xmaspotato

This is my Christmas potato. It was my potato, in my vegetable basket. When my roommate discovered I bought him present and he had none for me, he put it in a Christmas bag with the word “Joy” printed on it and gave it to me.  My gifts to him were a box of Cheerios  which had a free Star Wars Drone inside and a People magazine specially devoted to Star Wars. He immediately opened the cereal and found the droid, then announced he would have to keep buying boxes until he found BB8.

Here is another great present. My sister and I were on Skype discussing famous male folk singers who wrote inspirational, poetic lyrics and who might or might not have raspy voices. She found this particular link and even though Tom Waits was not the correct answer, it was the right one because when we listened we both laughed until we cried and could not breathe.

My favorite comment reads “nice try drunk, sick Captain Beefheart.”

This may be the best holiday compilation ever!

My roommate also brought home some Rocher candy balls. Someone on facebook shared a post that these particular treats often have dried moths entombed inside their hard chocolate shells. We have not been able to bring ourselves to crack them open. Perhaps we will wait until spring and do it outside, just in case.

The other great presents were getting to go caroling not just once but twice! I was invited to many parties which is much appreciated because I am single and unemployed. I had mulled wine, salmon in black rice and homemade wontons.  I am so lucky to know so many good people and cooks! Also I got to know some new ones.  No one actually knows what the New Year will bring but I hope it brings lots of laughs, parties, singing and potatoes!

 

 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 575 other followers