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Why I should never read the fashion section of The Sunday NY Times

I get ideas. I already had this idea or rather I stole it from a clown in Australia who works with the elderly. He dresses like a bellhop because a nursing home can be like a hotel and he makes it just a little more spiffy. I ordered a red jacket online that was pretty cheap but could pass as a hotel uniform. It has not arrived yet but I can show you the hat.

It’s made from a chicken pot pie box, some tape, glue, material, ribbon and a shoestring. It shows a total disregard for measurement. My roommate calls it the pot pie hat. Then I thought of Pol Pot and wondered what kind of hat he wore. 

There were no hats like this one in the Sunday paper although there was a page honoring Madame du Pompadour with some lovely pinks and shoes to die for. 

I’ll post another photo when the jacket comes in.

Where have I been? What have I done?

http://www.geekswhodrink.com/venue/private-events/49th-state-brewing-company/20160725/t-1469586402-img_0282jpg.jpg

I haven’t been writing because my computer is trashed. This is being written on my mini droid. I have been trying to get out and live the summer life, as in playing bar trivia with my roommate above. 

Here are some of the many berries I picked and ate this summer.I have managed not to turn on the television since May. 

And a city of fungus I passed on a hike.

Here is my friend St. Francis setting sail on a mushroom cap in our rain swamped yard.

What I look like when I have prepared for a commercial shoot which was cancelled due to rain but allowed me a two hour nap before having to go back to work.

Imagine that. It’s raining even now but we did get a mighty rainbow last week. Maybe after the big election we will see a rainbow of sorts. We can only hope and vote.

The fair starts this week so there will probably be more rain but I haven’t melted yet so I’m not so much a witch as I pretend to be.

 I can’t show you the beluga whales I saw because a photo would not do them justice. Just trust that it has been a magnificent hot and rainy summer up here in Alaska. Any tomato will tell you so.

Getting Sketchy

This is my yard in summer, around 8 pm. My brain is tired of thinking so I am just going to draw for a month or two instead of writing. I am a creative arts therapist so this is for my own good, to practice what I preach. Besides, I fell off the unicycle again and this seems safer.

By the way, every household in Anchorage has this chair. It’s the only affordable summer chair that comes up on the barge. I omitted the fact that this particular chair is held together by pink duct tape on the arm. 

Next time I will attempt to draw the 12 stellar Jay’s in my yard, if they don’t Peck out my eyes first.

Pokémon forecast for Anchorage, AK 7/14/2016

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heli

Today on the Tony Knowles Coastal Trail it was cloudy with a chance of Pikachu. The pilot of the above helicopter was charging extraordinary large sums to tourists obsessed with Pokémon Go.  This was troubling to every couple I almost mowed down on the trail because they were searching for invisible monsters while their dogs and children obliviously enjoyed the beautiful Anchorage weather. It was about 70 degrees, warm enough to bake me in the costume I’m considering renting tomorrow.  What could be more fun than running through a crowd of people looking down at their cell phones when you’re are professionally dressed as a Pikachu?

This is the gold standard which I will rent if available.

pika1

This is adorable but probably difficult to run in considering someone may try to tackle me.

This next guy  is actually labelled “Sexy Pikachu” in the costume listing.

sexypika

His figure is very similar to mine so I am starting to feel a little sexy. But given that both of these are probably outside my budget I may have to resort to this next costume, which costs about $30 to buy. They wanted $28 dollars to ship it which is common for Alaska if  also stupid. I could run easily in it, wear it to bed, maybe even to work and possible carry candy to throw at people in case they chased me.

pikareg

I read on Facebook, (I know, not a reliable source, but who needs reliability for these kinds of things), that there were  about 100 people milling around Town Square Park in downtown at 11 pm last night. They were playing Pokémon Go.  I thought we had posted extra police to contain that kind of thing?  Maybe they were police?

Who am I to question this fanaticism? I baked 7 pies this month just so I could have something to look forward to. It’s not like I’m any more mature than these folks. I threw a water balloon at my roommate yesterday and I’m 56 years old. He wasn’t even outdoors. He was sitting at the kitchen table!  I haven’t been blogging lately because I don’t have anything important to say but that doesn’t stop anyone else.

May your world be full of monsters that only you can capture. I was informed that there was a Pigeot or Pigiotto in my kitchen for a short time this morning. My roommate, who does not have a smart phone, was  able to capture it  even though he felt emasculated by having to watch a similar monster prance around across the street.

The sky may be grey tomorrow but wonderful monsters will fall from the sky and  people with funny brains will be out to meet them along with some nut dressed like a Pikachu.

Pokémon GO!

How serious is your Donald Trump Anxiety Disorder?

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crazy

Don’t loll around in de Nile. Just because a fear is realistic doesn’t mean it can’t be destructive and take control of your life! Take this easy quiz to see how ill you have become and find out what other people are doing about their diagnosis.

  1. How many Facebook posts have you written pleading for people to elect a female president? ( 1 point for each post)
  2.  Are you still considering voting for Bernie Sanders? (5 points)
  3. If Trump appears on the TV while you are on the treadmill at the gym, does the treadmill turn off automatically due to unsafe heart rate? (5 points)
  4. Have you used the words “Nazi” or “Hitler” within two syllables of the word “Donald” or the word “Trump.” in the last week? (5 points) Within the last hour (10 points)
  5. Have you avoided playing cards so you won’t have to say the “t” word?  (5 points)
  6. Have you thought about protesting at the Republican convention? (5 points) If you have already bought your airline or bus ticket (10 points)
  7. Have you considered moving to Canada? (1 point as Canada is pretty cool) Mexico (2 points), England (5 points)
  8. Do you ever lose sleep thinking about the election then get up and diminish your sorrow with bonbons and bread products? (5 points)
  9. Do you think you are smarter than most Americans (2 points)
  10. If you had a choice between eating a live rat and voting for Donald Trump, would you choose the rat? (2 points)

 

If you have 9 points or less you are probably a very psychologically healthy Republican.

If you have 10-20 points you are borderline obsessed with Trump

If you have 21 to 45 points you have a real problem and should consider some of the following options.

  1. Join the Communist party. Everyone probably thinks you are one anyway. Vote for their candidate. That way you won’t have to worry about your candidate losing because they always do.
  2. Consider opening a bakery or a bar. People always eat more sweets and drink more when things are going badly.
  3. Remind yourself that you are not in control of the outcome of this election. You only have one vote and the more you try to convince Trump voters that they are wrong the more they actually are right because you are annoying them with your liberal agenda. Even when you try to get people to vote for Hilary, people may vote for someone else just to spite you for spewing your anxiety at them. Feel free to register voters but remember that  if you do this fairly and legally, some of them will vote for Trump.
  4. It’s only 8 years maximum, unless he is really Hitler.
  5. If you live in Alaska, calm down! The state is already run like a Trump hotel.

crank

 

Crazy things I must do in order to keep alive

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  1.  Find joy in life even though it is not fair and I have been given much more time and gifts than I possibly deserve.

2. DO NOT read the news everyday.  Make small talk or change the topic with  people who dwell on catastrophe and politics.  I can never correct all the damage done by my people and my culture but I can make my own personal amends. I do not need to be sold on the right path. Remember that this path is not likely to be approved by my family, workplace or any major sponsor!

2. Dance everyday even though I am a terrible dancer. This includes the cage dance I was invited to do at the playground downtown. Thank you, Schatzie Schaeffer I had almost gotten to  9 pm without a healthy pole dance.

3. Remember to let my glasses fall into the port-a-potty once in awhile. I did this at The Three Baron’s Faire and immediately plucked them out. I should have let them sit there a bit and taken a photo.

4. Don’t expect my roommate not to eat my ice cream when he gets up with the munchies. Don’t expect him to replace it either. It is a losing battle and not that important but I can buy ridiculous flavors which might gross him out like mango-turnip crunch with chia.

5.  Do write, to keep in touch with friends and to let out my hopes and fears which as the song says are “baked into a beautiful pie.”

 

6.  Keep on riding the unicycle even though I bruised my rib and can still feel it when I go to bed. I may be a sensitive person. I cry easily and I want people to like me but I am not giving up yet. As one of my therapists told me, “don’t fire yourself, let them fire you.”

7. Wear the clown nose when I am driving, except when I have to sneeze.

8.  Always stop for unicorns.

unicorn.png

Anxiety woman rides again!

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This time I was riding my unicycle. It’s not a really high one, but I fell off it anyway and in a spectacular heap on the concrete at work in front of a crowd. But that is the reason anxiety woman has a unicycle, to confront humiliation and injury with a laugh and a scab. It was only the next day that I realized I had done something to my rib, on the opposite side. This was probably the result of me panicking, torqueing my body so that I did not impact just one bone but spread the misery to many. Now I can breathe but I can not sneeze or fart without a little Brutus reminding me of my folly.

I haven’t been writing lately because of my obsession with the unicycle. According to the internet it take 10 hours to establish some agility with the beast. Being just over 55 I might have allowed a few more hours. I took unicycle classes in my 30’s and thought it might come back to me quicker but I was wrong. I also willed myself to disaster by volunteering to unicycle for clown day at work knowing I had only a month to prepare. I did manage to stilt walk through the nursing home  with only a little hesitation getting in and off the elevator.

Was I anxious? Yes! Did I die? No! Did I injure myself just like the nurses feared? Yes I did, but they did not have to tend to me because I hid it rather well and then self diagnosed on the internet rather than let them lord it over me. I have been treating myself with naps, ibuprofen, reduced exercise and plenty of sugary sweets. I also bought the Sunday New York  Times.

Meanwhile Anchorage is green and breezy. There is a moose down the street lazily munching in the brush where I think the neighbors secretly planted marijuana. Some crazy desperate couple robbed all the mailboxes on the street today. Do I care? I have no checks coming in the mail.  I  also have no idea what I am doing with my life so I am keeping it simple. Eat, sleep, go to work, get outside, throw things away, talk to friends. The trouble is I am always looking for some purpose or  adulation to shore me up until the next event like a trip or a show to perform in. All  my friends who are in relationships are perhaps not regularly nourished with daily love snacks but not having a loved one at home, I have become a forager. The emotional dumpster diver, I stink of the fear of rejection.

Tomorrow I will go to work and beg off going to the fancy cocktail celebration I invited myself to. Both my co-workers were going but I had not been invited so I volunteered my presence. Why would anyone invite themselves to a work event that they didn’t have to attend? I guess I wanted to be invited and this seemed like the next best thing instead of  what I now see is the world’s worst idea.

It would have been much easier to fly off the unicycle and crunch a rib by myself than in front of a crowd at work. This kind of stunt doesn’t earn one an invite to a evening dress party. Instead I can be an invisible presence at the party. Not one of the movers and shakers but someone who can be talked about for their faux pas!  People can notice I am not there or better yet I could celebrate not looking for their approval by having my own cocktail party wearing a fleece and shorts. I had a cocktail the other night at a lovely wedding reception and felt so adult for a minute and a half.  I was wearing a fleece, the informal uniform of all Alaskans. I was not the only one. There was one other woman ,        ( single), drinking a cocktail and one man who was wearing a fleece.  I am not alone in my desire for comfort and belonging. Fleece is also easier to clean than silk after climbing out of the emotional dumpster.

So instead of going to the party I will have some cold milk soup with raisins in it. That makes my roommates laugh. We threw away all the old roommates food and everything that had expired in the fridge so cold milk soup with flakes and raisins it is.   I will eventually post of photo of me on the unicycle as I am still planning on riding it in the 4th of July parade! Either that or a photo of me with a cast, wearing a cone of shame.

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