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Why eat ice cream

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  1. Because Donald Trump does not make ice cream.  No I meant “does” make ice cream but “does not” make it or sell it for outrageous amounts in Alaska where I live. He “doesn’t” make it personally so I can see how what I wrote might  be unclear or misconstrued. Please see   http://www.trumptowerny.com/ice-cream-nyc
  2. Because we can no longer process alcohol, are taking the highest dose of our prescribed anti-depressant and were totally unprepared for the potency of modern day marijuana. Resistance is futile.
  3. There are just as many flavors of ice cream, if not more, than there are of Oreos. If  only the flavors existed that did when I was a child I would not eat as much.  We ate ice milk. It was not as creamy or fluffy as what people eat today. When people are poor, they will eat horsemeat. Japan has a horsemeat ice cream but I can not imagine it is for poor people. It’s for people like me who need something to feel brave about, to laugh over a bowl with a few close friends and then vomit. It’s a crazy adventure – and the meat is even raw! I would eat ice milk again rather than horsemeat or breast milk ice cream. Well, maybe I would try them once. https://www.stylist.co.uk/life/recipes/top-10-weirdest-ice-cream-flavours/37558
    ice cream neigh
  4.  It is generally considered sad to eat ice cream alone for dinner but given the alternatives – yogurt, expired tofu, carrots, it’s a viable choice. Also it’s a better choice than actually telling people how you think you really feel when you’re exhausted after work. Believe me, you won’t be telling people you’re exhausted, that’s not the way it works. That’s why ice cream was invented.

5.  When it’s hot outside, ice cream makes you sticky and thirsty!

6.  Ice cream is served in hospitals so it can’t be that bad for you. Unless you are on the renal diet, the heart diet, the gall bladder diet or the lactose intolerant diet because ice cream is trying to kill you.

7.  I can congratulate myself when I purchase a half gallon of ice cream rather than an absurdly priced pack of ice cream novelties or a fancy creation from an ice cream shop. Oops, I just found out that Carl’s Jr. has a Hostess Ding Dong Ice cream sandwich. I wonder if they are still open at 11 pm?

https://www.dairyfoods.com/media/photos/86-12-new-ice-cream-novelties-and-other-frozen-novelties

8. It’s always nice to support your local ice cream truck. Except when it plays a racist song.  https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2014/05/11/310708342/recall-that-ice-cream-truck-song-we-have-unpleasant-news-for-you

9.  It’s okay to eat ice cream to stop someone else from eating the last of it.

10. It’s a nice thing to eat under a pile of chocolate sauce. I could eat just the sauce, and I have before, but I feel better about eating them together in public.

If you haven’t seen enough to convince you to have some ice cream right now. Take a look at these:

https://www.cookingchanneltv.com/recipes/packages/best-summer-and-grilling-recipes/summer-dessert-recipes/photos/the-craziest-ice-cream-creations-ever

https://abcnews.go.com/Lifestyle/giant-milkshakes-drawing-huge-crowds-york-city/story?id=36376855

 

 

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What to get America for her birthday this 4th of July

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  1. Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up Life Alert. Is it codependent to pick up a rogue nation?
  2. Dried fruit/nut pack or flowers featuring only items picked by American citizens. This is a pricey limited selection item.
  3. Family tree/genealogy kit to trace immigrants in her family and remove them.
  4. Gift certificate to a restaurant/hotel that does not feature “foreign” food or hire people who can’t speak English.  This is another rare commodity. Good luck.
  5. Support hose for all those protests which will be happening in the near future when Roe vs Wade falls.
  6. A Supreme Court Justice who has not become a judge in order to “rule” but in order to listen, research and change laws which are unfair to the poor and oppressed.
  7. Dark chocolate, but not so dark that it might be suspicious.
  8. Cordless 5x LED Vanity mirror so she can see what she really looks like without her makeup on.
  9. Neighborhoods where we know our neighbors names better than we know those of The Transformers.
  10. Humility

Oh you may have noticed that this is a satire from the state of Alaska which is in no way not part of America

 

america

Trail Etiquette: Alaska rules

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  1. When a crash of two bicycles is imminent, the faster biker should hit the wall, go over the cliff, or burst into flames. The slower biker is required to applaud or say something to the effect of “That was awesome!”
  2. When a bike rider attempts to pass a walker/runner/ space cadet wearing giant earphones/tiny ear buds they should announce their presence by screaming “Bear!!” , “On your left idiot” or spelling out a similar sentiment in American sign language as you pass them.
  3. When rollerblading down a hill at high speed with absolutely no control, it is acceptable to scream “Get out! Get out! I can’t control these m$therf*ckin’ things” even if the people in front of you are aged and speak a different language.
  4. If you notice families feeding  ducks/geese  trailside it is common courtesy to inform them that Alaskan wild fowl are gluten intolerant and also full of rabies and bird flu.geese
  5. When faced with a small toddler erratically hogging the path, bikers should bare their teeth, howl like a wolf and accelerate in order scare the living daylights out of them.
  6. If your leashed dog is confronted by an unleashed dog on the trail it is acceptable to pull out a dog treat and run away with both dogs while the former owners try to figure out what is going on.
  7. If you encounter a moose on or close to the trail it is important to remind approaching biker/ hikers that if they don’t secure the animal’s permission for a photograph then death or dismemberment may result.
  8. When you meet a friend on the trail it is always okay to stop in the absolute center of the path so everyone can observe how popular you are.
  9. Anyone wearing a spandex bike shirt, padded shorts or clip in pedals  shall be considered at fault for all accidents within a 5 mile radius.
  10. If you encounter an injured person on the trail, do not attempt to move them. Call for an ambulance then hide in the bushes just in case a bear gets there first.trail2Strangely deserted portion of The Chester Creek Trail in Anchorage

Yes, you can have a happy Memorial Day!

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Despite tweets from our president, you are allowed to have a happy Memorial Day.  You do not have to go to a cemetery, although you can bring chrysanthemums there if you like, as the French do. You can host a barbeque or spend the day in the garden as people like myself, (a bit older and female) do in Alaska. This is the first “legal” day for planting gardens in Anchorage.

You do not have to attend a military event or you can wear red, white and blue then cry when taps is played. I think most people cry when they hear taps whether or not they have lost someone in a war. There are so many ways to remember the dead, why limit ourselves to only one ritual. Vive la difference.

My cousin and her son spent time last week cleaning off our family gravestones. Thank you Suzanne and Luka.  Have you ever noticed that granite gets stained green and mossy with age? Apparently this stuff is as difficult to remove as age spots are. The old slate stones from the 1600’s have held up well  and make good rubbings, this tidbit from growing up near a cemetery established in 1640. No one puts a skull with wings on their gravestone anymore, unless they were a Hell’s Angel. There are fewer poems and more photographs, kind of like the ones you see on birthday cakes.    My mother’s family were in the funeral business so I can’t help but see cemeteries as a bit of a marketing scheme.  I also recognize that the shortness of life, strong beliefs in the afterlife and lack of the internet where people live forever made them important spaces not just for grieving but for the practice of duty and respect.

I prefer cremation, (I almost spelled it “creamation” like making myself into an ash smoothie or milk shake). I would like to be scattered in the Atlantic Ocean then people might remember me occasionally if they chose while they frolicked in the waves. But I do not expect too much, I don’t have children and my family of origin so far has done pretty well calling me for my birthday so this life probably is as good as it gets.

My mother died one Memorial Day weekend so my tradition has been to do things she taught me or would have enjoyed seeing me do.  Of course I baked brownies and spent time outside rollerblading. My mother was an active woman who broke her ribs skateboarding down Norwood Ave while we were all in school.  She loved ice skating and she was an avid roller skater in her youth.

I don’t believe you have to be a saint or a hero to be remembered on Memorial Day. My father died before I got to know him so I have included a photo of my mother and one of my father, both as children in this post. Who can know their parent as a child? That is a mystery and yet we can guess from stories and hope that when they leave this earth some of their childhood joys and wishes are fulfilled.

WIN_20180528_20_25_37_Pro

What were these kids thinking? At some time I bet they both thought about chocolate cake and getting out of school early.  This is the only picture I have of my father with hair and the only photo of my mother wearing a dress that is not fashionably fitted. It may have been passed down from her older sister Muriel!

 

Memorial Day is about memory and imagination mingled with grief and barbequed ribs. The dead remind us to live and enjoy what they have left us. We pass on their stories with grace today instead of focusing completely on ourselves. But if you are focused on yourself or binge watching a favorite show, it’s a free country. Enjoy!

Gull

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I have made a pilgrimage. Dressed in my finest, I survey the dome, not with head bowed but with the curiosity of a flyer mapping out an approach. Today is the day. There is but one cloud in the sky and that has passed by while I prepare myself for circumnavigation.

This cloud laughs as it looks back at the dome, admiring the copper glow which has been increased by its moist passing. The cloud acknowledges my turn. I will leave my mark as my ancestors have done and as my descendants will continue to do. As long as mankind erects monuments to their Gods, I will defile them.

They do not know of God. I am God. I give you now a familiar mocking cry and my droppings.

 

gull

photo fromMorguefile62433e9022

Writing prompt challenge from

https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/52996392/posts/1865564065

 

 

What is today, anyway?

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If the First Star Trek movie with Chris Pine is free on Amazon Prime, I must  be old.  I  recall an evening when I wounded myself trying to open a can of baked beans too quickly in order not to miss William Shatner intone, “Space the final frontier…”  I drenched a towel with blood for what is known as a half of an hour before proceeding to sick bay.  This was so long ago that I had no health insurance and yet I was somehow able to pay the bill at the ER.  Oh, that’s right, I wasn’t living in my future, in Alaska where doing this would require a second job.

I believe in the idea of a Stardate calendar. There is no day or night. If there is, it’s often much shorter or longer than those of my previous experience on the planet Earth. The 24 hour clock is very useful to some people but in Alaska it is skewed enough that I feel like I am on another planet. Consider that it is 10:15 pm, the birds are very loud. They are probably mating, like the newly minted royal couple. There is a party across the street and since there is no snow and just the bare suggestion of a future leaf on the trees, the echo of human celebration is significant. They are celebrating someone or something other than royalty. It goes without saying that although it has been cloudy and cool for the month of May, it has not been dark.

Within this strange world, plants and people become cranky. My lawn grows overnight, yet planting a vegetable outdoors before Memorial Day is surely folly.  I stay up late streaming films starring people younger than me all the while falling in love with them as if time does not exist. With little sleep, I cried while showing Roman Holiday at the Skilled Nursing facility where I work, if you can call that work. I enjoy myself far too much to be paid for what I do. When I am around older people I don’t feel as much loss because we are, many of us, so lucky to still be alive. When my stardate  expires I’m sure that no one will remember today but I will have lived it and that is enough.

This day, my day, a man at a bus stop called my pants “phantasmagorical.”  This day, I went to bed at 6 pm and felt empathy with the people I serve who say they can not possibly get out of bed even to see the sun, eat cotton candy or pet a rabbit.  I did get out of bed though because I know that my mind and my body are not in sync.

The Universe is expanding and I am too young to contract because I am privileged to be alive at this time period of human existence. Teenagers died yesterday. I have my theories why this happened but a thousand years from now these theories will be considered quaint.  The death of American teenagers may not even be a blip in a life in crisis today or tomorrow on the other side of the planet. As humans we are able to function in a chaotic galaxy by focusing on what we need and what we can change. Energy spent outside of that is extraordinary.  An example of this would be the Choctaw nation who in 1847 sent a donation of $170 to Ireland to help relieve the suffering of the Irish during the Great Potato Famine.  This is something that should live forever in memory, longer than a school shooting or a royal wedding. Here is a photo of the Kindred Spirits sculpture which commemorates that gift in Midleton, East Cork where my grandmother went to school.

KindredSpiritssculptureMidleton_large

Read more about this here:

https://www.irishexaminer.com/ireland/choctaw-chief-to-mark-midleton-sculpture-dedication-451850.html

 

 

This blog serves as something like a ship’s log. My journey  is a strange one where many of the adventures come from the inside or from the mundane details of life on the edge of  the far north.  I admit that my life is not as beautiful as the wedding of the decade or as tragic as the mass murder of the day but I am a soul who seeks to know themselves and that is enough. I try to give small gifts from my chest of riches and do not expect a monument, not even a “like” for a post, at least this is what I strive for, some humility, and peace in speaking my mind even if the only one who benefits from it is me.  Just for today, whatever that may be. Kirk out.

 

 

Socially responsible ways to dispose of leftover Valentine’s Day Candy

 

chocolate

Donate to a starving male figure skater.

Send to the NRA, with congratulations for latest success story in their struggle to preserve the Right to Bear Arms.

Save for science fair project on the future of the U.S. coal industry. Remind judges that lumps of sugar are more dangerous to our health than lumps of coal.

Bring to Border Wall testing site to see if candy can be thrown over wall prototypes. This will be especially appreciated if the candy is made with cannabutter.

Mail off melted bits to 23 and Me to trace artisanal lineage then repatriate candy to its ancestral homeland.

While streaming calming music of the rainforest, place candies in lukewarm water and slowly heat until the skins of the candies are scalded off. Turn up music if the sound of chocolate screaming becomes too disturbing. Distill into a mug and top with mini marshmallows.

Contact Health Dept. who will dispatch Haz-Mat team to deliver items to sole resident of your area who is not on Keto diet.

Deliver to White House so our President can throw bon-bons at citizens the next time he visits Puerto Rico.

Address them to your Senator or Congressman with love from a member of the opposing party.

Pack with emergency supplies for next viewing of State of The Union Address.

 

 

Thanks for reading. I had to take a break from blogging. Now I need to return so that I can laugh again.