Fashion tips for old white women

I am an expert at this ladies, trust me. I have worn the wrong thing every time it was important not to do so. Here are my tips to keep you away from the edge of humiliation which lies just outside our ability to see ourselves in our lovely outfits.

1. Leopard –  I have worn lots of leopard in my day but it’s not my day anymore! Someone needs to show me a cougar print because that’s what wearing leopard says – I want a man! There’s nothing wrong with a tattoo which says “desperate” on  your face, at least it’s honest. Leopard says I’m an animal dressed up as an animal in other words I’m not sure I’m animal enough. If you have to wear it, do, but don’t go for the pink or blue sparkly leopard. That’s too much like pink camo. Can you telegraph borderline personality disorder any clearer? Besides which my sister is sending me a glitter blue leopard skirt and I need to trot it out before you glut the market. The key to wearing leopard is irony. You must be able to own the words, “I am not as wild as I look but I would like to be. Please chase after me as if I were.”

2. Gigantically big attention grabbing shoes If your foot is the best part of your anatomy then okay but people are going to have to look at your face at some point. If you have nice legs then don’t make people look at the part you’re covering up with leather or pleather or airbrushed flowers. Being really into shoes is so Sex in the City, thus pre-economic slow down. It  says I like Lady GaGa for the wrong reasons.  As an older woman, I smell the Kathy Bates parking lot scene in Fried Green Tomatoes. You may have youth but I’ve got money. Once again a few fifties hanging out of your pocket will do this more honestly. I know, I too thought crazy shoes were showing how “playful” I was, (not!). You can’t do much in them without ruining the paint job or the fur.

3. The puffy paint sweatshirt. Please wear the leopard and the shoes if it will help you avoid this. This says I am losing my mind. It screams ” like me” in a way that can only be outdone by orphans and pets in animal shelters.  It’s okay to paint the house in, to wear to a slumber party but not to work unless you want to be considered for early retirement. It is possible to pull off a puffy sweatshirt ironically but it would call for a very short skirt and perhaps fishnets and a knife between your teeth. Good luck.