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Tag Archives: pop culture

In the Year 2025, if man is still alive..

First Lady Kim Kardashian successfully advocates for butt enhancement to be covered by most health insurance.

The world mourns the death of the most stable genius and oldest U.S. president ever elected. The deceased’s family asks that people wear gold instead of black.

Alaska is officially the most populous State of the Union, due to its temperate weather,  and the fact that most U.S. citizens have found a way to live in Canada.

The last remaining white man in The U. S. Senate is not running for re-election.

Guns now outnumber people five to one in The United States with the aforementioned Alaska leading the pack with an average of 27 guns per person.

Rutabaga is the new Avocado!

The Oreo Cookie brand is struggling after severe backlash following their “Fentanyl Patch” flavor release. Fortune for the brand relies on their two new nostalgic varieties –  “Subbituminous Coal” and “Salted Highway Snow.”

The owners and designers at Title Nine Sportswear have finally begun serving their life sentences for misleading women worldwide that they can be brain surgeons, Olympic athletes and cute single moms all at the same time.

The successful Mary Poppins franchise continues with the opening of “Mary Poppin’s Revenge – The Sarin Gas Umbrella.”

Hope has died for training white police and the legal system to react fairly and calmly towards dark skinned citizens. Today, Congress introduced a bill  requiring quotas of wealthy white men be met in the prison population before any other ethnic group member be incarcerated.  A subsequent boost in Ancestry.com stock has occurred  as thousands of people under investigation attempt to find their as yet undocumented African roots.

 

 

 

 

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Trump & Pumpkin Spice – a holiday voter conspiracy?

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The purchase of this aberration correlates and may actually cause voters to believe in and vote for Trump. Is it something in pumpkin? NO! As we all learned in grade school there is no pumpkin in Pumpkin Spiced anything. Pumpkin Spice is instead the very old fashioned mix of allspice, cinnamon and cloves which makes people think of their grandmother’s kitchen and how everything was better in the old days. The sad thing is that a child would never add allspice or cloves to their food, as it would be similar to eating potpourri or bath salts. Coincidence that before the opiate crisis we had the “Spice Crisis?” That bath salts and potpourri were the innocuous labeling under which Spice was sold? How about the idea that almost everything sold at a Trump hotel is a “Limited Edition?” Also cereal is the easiest food for an American to eat for breakfast lunch and dinner, besides pizza which is not really American.

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More likely it is the kind of mentality that we Americans have about always trying something new and spending money on frivolous items which draws us to Trump and Pumpkin Spice. This is the new renaissance of civilization, one which belongs to The White people of the USA just like Thanksgiving does.   People in the incoming Mexican caravan may have tasted apple pie or a hot dog. They may even put cinnamon in their hot chocolate but they probably have not consumed pumpkin spice cereal. In due time Pumpkin Spice will be integrated into citizenship tests.

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New voters are being manufactured everyday. What kind of parent would feed these frosted flakes to their children? A Republican, that’s who! The key to this conspiracy is that Pumpkin Spiced products always come out just before November elections.  They were in their infancy in the Obama days and I daresay they do not go very well with cigarettes or with Michelle’s propensity for healthy eating. These products were not created to take over the world but they have morphed into a polarizing force in our country. Either you love them or you hate them. And if you hate them you are probably not American enough.

My warning to you is to avoid purchasing such items until after elections and consider the presence of Pumpkin Spiced products on the shelves of your neighbors as similar to bags of cocaine or framed photos of The First Family. Do not directly challenge these neighbors but instead ask them to brunch at your own home. There you can introduce them to Matcha Tea, Marijuana Gummies or whatever flavor of Kombucha you prefer.  It is always graceful to meet people halfway so have some cinnamon, allspice and cloves on hand. Good luck in your fight to end this plague. Remember this Thanksgiving, you can always make a pumpkin pie bourbon flavored instead.

 

Summer in Alaska Bucketlist

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Do you envision a list involving salmon, moose, bear, mountain summits, through hikes, single track bike descents, canning and preserving goals, maybe a triathlon thrown in for good measure?

Not I. I need to relax. I don’t relax in the wilderness. I’m on constant bear alert, either that or getting shot by a random bear hunter alert. Here are some of my ideas for a perfect Alaskan summer. You may find you can follow them wherever you might find yourself. After all, Alaska is mostly a state of mind.

  1. Spend as much time as possible in the hammock. This will require a good supply of insect repellant but it is much more rewarding than actually accomplishing anything after a long day of work.
  2. Share my tandem with as many people as possible. I’ve started calling friends to ride with me and  put an ad up to capture strangers. It’s an enormous bike, definitely as long as a horse but slightly lighter. What’s the point of waiting around for someone to announce that they vaguely remember I have a two seater hanging up in my shed? A tandem is the perfect excuse to advertise the need for companionship but in a sporty, retro, non-threatening manner.  I’ll try not to coerce people to wear costumes until the 2nd or third ride.tandemThis is a Gary Fisher Gemini Mountain bike tandem from the 1980’s. It is appropriate to sing 1980’s music while riding. The Police, Bruce Springsteen, Van Halen, (David Lee Roth years), Duran Duran, Blondie,  and The Bangles are all acceptable. This is not a Madonna bike. It is also okay to sing this old gem on this particular bike especially when wearing dark sunglasses.  https://youtu.be/rsr_lJpDHfU
  3. I would like to watch more of the hundred best War movies. I like the old ones best and just finished “To Be or Not To Be” with Jack Benny on You Tube.  https://youtu.be/T3eG37VDvfc   I don’t love war but I am desperate to understand it and how it reflects the internal wars with which humans struggle.
  4. Read more books about The South. I love visiting my friend Rose Anne in Louisiana. It is as much another world as visiting my sister in Paris.  I finished reading this excellent book   and am now reading this one.  Deep South: Four Seasons on Back Roads  These help me understand why there is a large movement in America to reclaim “glory days” of the past.  This is a force to be reckoned with, not to be ignored.
  5. I need to write more and laugh more. I believe I am singing as much as I can without being murdered.
  6. It wouldn’t hurt to see some new movies. I don’t see many first run films but I would be willing to purchase a ticket to Bohemian Rhapsody or BlackKklansman.
  7. More raspberry ice tea. More raspberry everything. Alaska has great raspberries!
  8. Donald Trump protest art show anyone?  I bet it could be fun or would we be giving him too much attention?
  9. I guess I could go camping one time but that is my goal every summer and each time I come back not having slept and I have a backache but a few funny stories.
  10. Stay in the moment, smell the air as it changes with each bloom of the season – lilacs, roses, clover, fireweed.

 

What is today, anyway?

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If the First Star Trek movie with Chris Pine is free on Amazon Prime, I must  be old.  I  recall an evening when I wounded myself trying to open a can of baked beans too quickly in order not to miss William Shatner intone, “Space the final frontier…”  I drenched a towel with blood for what is known as a half of an hour before proceeding to sick bay.  This was so long ago that I had no health insurance and yet I was somehow able to pay the bill at the ER.  Oh, that’s right, I wasn’t living in my future, in Alaska where doing this would require a second job.

I believe in the idea of a Stardate calendar. There is no day or night. If there is, it’s often much shorter or longer than those of my previous experience on the planet Earth. The 24 hour clock is very useful to some people but in Alaska it is skewed enough that I feel like I am on another planet. Consider that it is 10:15 pm, the birds are very loud. They are probably mating, like the newly minted royal couple. There is a party across the street and since there is no snow and just the bare suggestion of a future leaf on the trees, the echo of human celebration is significant. They are celebrating someone or something other than royalty. It goes without saying that although it has been cloudy and cool for the month of May, it has not been dark.

Within this strange world, plants and people become cranky. My lawn grows overnight, yet planting a vegetable outdoors before Memorial Day is surely folly.  I stay up late streaming films starring people younger than me all the while falling in love with them as if time does not exist. With little sleep, I cried while showing Roman Holiday at the Skilled Nursing facility where I work, if you can call that work. I enjoy myself far too much to be paid for what I do. When I am around older people I don’t feel as much loss because we are, many of us, so lucky to still be alive. When my stardate  expires I’m sure that no one will remember today but I will have lived it and that is enough.

This day, my day, a man at a bus stop called my pants “phantasmagorical.”  This day, I went to bed at 6 pm and felt empathy with the people I serve who say they can not possibly get out of bed even to see the sun, eat cotton candy or pet a rabbit.  I did get out of bed though because I know that my mind and my body are not in sync.

The Universe is expanding and I am too young to contract because I am privileged to be alive at this time period of human existence. Teenagers died yesterday. I have my theories why this happened but a thousand years from now these theories will be considered quaint.  The death of American teenagers may not even be a blip in a life in crisis today or tomorrow on the other side of the planet. As humans we are able to function in a chaotic galaxy by focusing on what we need and what we can change. Energy spent outside of that is extraordinary.  An example of this would be the Choctaw nation who in 1847 sent a donation of $170 to Ireland to help relieve the suffering of the Irish during the Great Potato Famine.  This is something that should live forever in memory, longer than a school shooting or a royal wedding. Here is a photo of the Kindred Spirits sculpture which commemorates that gift in Midleton, East Cork where my grandmother went to school.

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Read more about this here:

https://www.irishexaminer.com/ireland/choctaw-chief-to-mark-midleton-sculpture-dedication-451850.html

 

 

This blog serves as something like a ship’s log. My journey  is a strange one where many of the adventures come from the inside or from the mundane details of life on the edge of  the far north.  I admit that my life is not as beautiful as the wedding of the decade or as tragic as the mass murder of the day but I am a soul who seeks to know themselves and that is enough. I try to give small gifts from my chest of riches and do not expect a monument, not even a “like” for a post, at least this is what I strive for, some humility, and peace in speaking my mind even if the only one who benefits from it is me.  Just for today, whatever that may be. Kirk out.

 

 

Socially responsible ways to dispose of leftover Valentine’s Day Candy

 

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Donate to a starving male figure skater.

Send to the NRA, with congratulations for latest success story in their struggle to preserve the Right to Bear Arms.

Save for science fair project on the future of the U.S. coal industry. Remind judges that lumps of sugar are more dangerous to our health than lumps of coal.

Bring to Border Wall testing site to see if candy can be thrown over wall prototypes. This will be especially appreciated if the candy is made with cannabutter.

Mail off melted bits to 23 and Me to trace artisanal lineage then repatriate candy to its ancestral homeland.

While streaming calming music of the rainforest, place candies in lukewarm water and slowly heat until the skins of the candies are scalded off. Turn up music if the sound of chocolate screaming becomes too disturbing. Distill into a mug and top with mini marshmallows.

Contact Health Dept. who will dispatch Haz-Mat team to deliver items to sole resident of your area who is not on Keto diet.

Deliver to White House so our President can throw bon-bons at citizens the next time he visits Puerto Rico.

Address them to your Senator or Congressman with love from a member of the opposing party.

Pack with emergency supplies for next viewing of State of The Union Address.

 

 

Thanks for reading. I had to take a break from blogging. Now I need to return so that I can laugh again.

What to do about The President

Just for a change, I’m going to give you the title of this painting—The Princess picking lice from the Troll—because I don’t think that knowing what it’s about will be too much of a limitation. Why a princess is sitting in a darkened room picking lice out of a troll’s fur is up to you. […]

via Sunday Strange microfiction challenge — Jane Dougherty Writes

 

My response:

You’re so vain. Let’s give up this charade. Not that shaving your head will help your brain but it may improve your image and that’s what you care about isn’t it? I understand that you can’t trust anyone but your family to help you rule but what if you actually hired a competent hairdresser? Is that too much to ask? It’s hard being a princess these days and I could use a tiny office in The White House to get my thoughts together. Just think about it.

Another idea. Maybe if you didn’t mess around with every person who annoys you, you might not be in such a tangle. You’re coming across as a troll, up all night monitoring the net for fake news. The more you lie to combat perceived slights, the more wild your hair gets. Every evening it takes me a longer time to straighten you out. Pretty soon, it will be beyond me.

Did you ever see the play “Bloody, Bloody Andrew Jackson?” I highly recommend it. Meanwhile, can we do this somewhere besides your dungeon? It smells of Democrats down here.

Closing up The Halloween Store and other spooky adventures

I have been blessed and spooked by my temp job at The Halloween store.

My first observation – My God! What kind of world do I live in? There is absolutely nothing anyone needs to buy in this store and yet people are. I bought my fair share today on 50% off day.

Want to know what people got? Rick Grimes. I have never seen Walking Dead and probably never will but I know what he wears.

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I wish I had come up with that caption but I am too uninformed.

Most asked question:  Do you have the mask from  (fill in  comic  book/horror film/cosplay which I ( the writer) have never heard of). Describe it as a kind of a white mask.  My answer to this is, ” I heard they have him at Hot Topic downstairs.”

Oh another most asked question, “Does my butt hang out of the back of this, ( fill in your choice of nurse, soldier, convict, policewoman, first mate outfit)?”  My answer: “You can wear leggings.”

Scariest question: ” Do you have a Slender Man costume?”

Looks like me and my father

Looks like me and my father

What did I buy? I bought only things I could wear on a regular basis such as some lovely red dalek knee socks and a waist cincher that turns any skirt into a pirate/peasant/hippie dress.  I also got a Pirate over the shoulder bag which will be my new go to bag for when I just want to carry my id and a key while riding my bike or on board a leaky boat, (it’s 100% plastic, thus waterproof.)  I dressed in my own private pirate wear for Halloween. One of the basic pieces is a pair of bright red balloon pants I got in Paris.  Some times people are confused because it is not the sexiest of pirate looks. I tell them that middle aged pirates are meaner.

 

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The hair scares young people to death!

I got some funny items to use for dramatherapy which is another one of my work identities. These  costumes are silly so that individuals and families can have fun with their issues. They are easy to characterize and don’t take much fit. Best of all they were free discontinued items such as The Annoying Orange, and Framed art work into which you can put your own head such as a self portrait of Van Gogh and American Gothic.

I made my own costume for a party I went to.  I tried to think of the thing most everyone  fears the most. Gluten. I wore all tan, drew on an eye mask, taped the  title “Gluten girl” on my tee shirt, used an old sheet for a cape, wore brown stockings and carried a loaf of bread.   Two people immediately announced that they were Celiac  ( about 1 in one hundred are) and the majority of the rest admitted they were gluten intolerant.  It wound up that the minority of people at this event could actually eat gluten. I persisted in hitting all the gluten haters with my loaf of bread until they laughed.  I could have come as halitosis or herpes and started fewer health related discussions. Gluten freeness is the new Stay Free Mini pad.

I love how I look bloated with carbs here

I love how I look bloated with carbs here

Did I mention I have half a pizza box on my head as a helmet?

Now let’s show you a really scary picture. I was hiking up a mountain with some friends the other day.  It was very misty and we couldn’t see much. We thought the climb would be worth the view on the top but the view was like this.

This was actually the furthest we could see on the whole trip.

This was actually the furthest we could see on the whole trip.

But look what I got a  nice clear shot of.

Clearly droppings from a bear who likes berries

Clearly droppings from a bear who likes berries

On a happier note, The Halloween store provides a bit of joy and laughter to the world. There is an ice rink in the mall where I saw a fine adult skater wearing one of our “Ollie the Ostrich” costumes which makes you look like you are riding on the bird’s back. It made me proud.

Three cheers for goofy people!

Three cheers for goofy people!