RSS Feed

Tag Archives: oscars

The envelope I received today from Price Waterhouse

I’m a winner!

So is Hilary Clinton. My brother called to tell me that one.

My envelope was addressed to my neighbors but it was in my mailbox along with the box containing their Signature Hardware copper claw foot bathtub. Finders/Keepers. I have a really big mailbox. You could fit 140 of Donald Trump’s hands in it.

317436-72-hammered-copper-slipper-clawfoot-tub

This is what you want to hide under when there is an earthquake, if it doesn’t run away on those fat little legs. Body shaming aside, they are a bit tubby.

Why did Price Waterhouse pick me? Probably because I am from Manchester by the Sea. I am one of the former residents who, like Casey Affleck’s character, moved away to make less money than they could at home. Manchester is a really pretty place but you have to be really rich to live there. Little did I know that you have to be pretty rich to live well anywhere.   Maybe the letter was meant for Casey but I think he already got one.

I hear P.W. has two copies of every envelope they give out, which is a bit excessive. I don’t write two checks when I pay my rent or have sex with individuals twice just in case they didn’t hear me the first time.

But what to do about the bathtub? I’ve already made a couple of speeches about it to my easily impressed co-workers. My neighbors might get suspicious if there’s a plumber’s van in the driveway tomorrow so I will probably have to sleep with a working man for a believable backstory.

Truthfully, I think the postman made the mistake because I am white and my neighbors are not. I don’t make as much money as them but I look like I do based on skin tone.

No that can’t be it.  I’m Catholic, like Casey Affleck’s character. I’m the one who is oppressed and just can’t beat my past including my genetic tendencies towards violence and ridiculous sensitivity to both the sun and the criticism of others. Don’t tell me I live in La-La land because I live in Alaska where no one has a tub like this and everyone is really just a loser from somewhere else. Don’t make me give it back.

 I have my doubts about the integrity of Price Waterhouse.  My first association with that kind of fancy-ass name is Fisher Price toys but their tubs are much smaller and apparently come equipped with photogenic bathers.

tubs

Move over Sunny Pawar! I’m younger than you and I’m white!

 You may ask, what do all these references have in common? Do they all involve water? Yes but NO!  THEY ARE ALL FAKE NEWS!

I only got a catalog from Signature Hardware which is the Rock/Movie/Musical star of bathtub makers. It was not addressed to me. It was not addressed to my neighbors either. It was addressed to my roommate who is black and has a much better bedroom set than I have.

We do have a big mailbox.  We just got an upgrade. With three of us living here and about 10 old roommates who still get their mail here we needed it. Besides that, it has a lock so no one can steal our Academy Award letters.

I did audition for a movie the other day but I was funnier off script than on so I don’t think that is going anywhere fast. A girl can dream about playing an old alcoholic smoker who sees dead guys coming on to her but that doesn’t make her dreams come true.

I am from Manchester by the Sea. I recognize that the movie is not so much about that town but about the small town that many of us come from. The one that never forgets the best of people and the worst of them. The small town that is our family, our workplace, our culture that we can’t get far enough away from, because they’re inside of us. I’m proud to be from a town that will now be forever remembered for alcoholism and dysfunction.

I will probably not see the movie La-La land because I don’t need more fantasy in my life especially  anymore white people’s fantasy. This includes thinking I deserve more than I get and that life is fair. I should see Moonlight. Maybe I will go with my roommates.  Meanwhile I just had my taxes done at H&R Block. They only use one envelope.

Negative Woman’s Oscar Picks

Negative woman opines again!

Negative woman opines again!

I’m not picky, just depressed. Some films make me want to die more than others. I like meaningful movies and really funny ones. I tend to vomit at romantic comedies. I believe in love but not what Hollywood is usually selling. So here are my violent reactions to this year’s crop.
Best Picture
Amour, if I were capable of watching it, should win. Mortality is a favorite topic but my mental health was too fragile to bear a feature length death scene. I hope the female lead wins best actress before she dies. Now would be a good time.
Lincoln will win. I didn’t see it because I know it will come to the cheap theatre soon. I hear it has lots of death in it. I think the lead character also dies.
Argo – most entertaining, but Oscar material? To honor the story or because it’s a movie about a movie? That’s depressing in itself, but that’s how awards work.
Beasts of the Southern Wild – This movie sucked. It irritated me in so many ways. I wanted to like it but the noble savage in an ideal community of happy drunks idea did not lure me in. Magical realism smells of J.R. Ewing getting killed in a dream sequence.
Zero Dark Thirty – No, don’t care. I read/watch the news for this sort of thing.
Django Unchained – Really? The poster looked like a Harlequin novella. For a second I thought it might be about guitar music.
Les Miserables – I heard they sang live. Nice but people do that at karaoke. I was not a fan of the musical, even though I like musicals. It’s trying too hard to be sad if that’s possible. I heard no comments about excellence of acting so I skipped it. Also, Anne Hathaway is pretty even when she is trying to look all fucked up. I can never forget she’s a movie star trying real hard. At least Russell Crowe looks like he doesn’t give a shit.
Silver Linings Playbook? – Too close to a romantic comedy trying to be deep. Good luck with that.
Life of Pi ? – NO, NO, NO! This is a movie about special effects. It’s like Jonathan Livingston Seagull for Christ’s sake. Have we sunk that low?
My preference for best film which is not nominated would be Flight because of the story and the acting. It made me laugh and it made me scared, (that part isn’t too hard.) It broached the always timely topics of narcissism, dishonesty and belief in God. If you think of the lead character as The United States piloting a plane of nations it seems even better. Denzel Washington earned an Oscar in my book, but no one reads my book.
On a more positive note -I love Alan Arkin so I hope he wins. I also loved Skyfall especially Daniel Craig if he’s reading this, also the theme song. I was both shaken and stirred. Has there ever been a bad Bond song? Even Paul McCartney was able to pull off a good one. I wish Kon-Tiki had played up here in Alaska but what were the chances of that?
The idea of giving awards to people who are already very successful is genius. They need something to fight for since they have everything else. I wonder how many of them are doping? Remember the Flashdance drama where someone wasn’t credited with doing the lead’s dancing? I wonder if that was really Daniel Craig’s chest? Denzel Washington’s butt? Anne Hathaway’s lice?  I guess that’s the magic of movies. We’ll never know.