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Tag Archives: global warming

In the Year 2025, if man is still alive..

First Lady Kim Kardashian successfully advocates for butt enhancement to be covered by most health insurance.

The world mourns the death of the most stable genius and oldest U.S. president ever elected. The deceased’s family asks that people wear gold instead of black.

Alaska is officially the most populous State of the Union, due to its temperate weather,  and the fact that most U.S. citizens have found a way to live in Canada.

The last remaining white man in The U. S. Senate is not running for re-election.

Guns now outnumber people five to one in The United States with the aforementioned Alaska leading the pack with an average of 27 guns per person.

Rutabaga is the new Avocado!

The Oreo Cookie brand is struggling after severe backlash following their “Fentanyl Patch” flavor release. Fortune for the brand relies on their two new nostalgic varieties –  “Subbituminous Coal” and “Salted Highway Snow.”

The owners and designers at Title Nine Sportswear have finally begun serving their life sentences for misleading women worldwide that they can be brain surgeons, Olympic athletes and cute single moms all at the same time.

The successful Mary Poppins franchise continues with the opening of “Mary Poppin’s Revenge – The Sarin Gas Umbrella.”

Hope has died for training white police and the legal system to react fairly and calmly towards dark skinned citizens. Today, Congress introduced a bill  requiring quotas of wealthy white men be met in the prison population before any other ethnic group member be incarcerated.  A subsequent boost in Ancestry.com stock has occurred  as thousands of people under investigation attempt to find their as yet undocumented African roots.

 

 

 

 

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Another chance to get it not quite wrong

Happy New Year! This is a strange holiday for those of us who have to take it one day at a time, and isn’t that just about everyone?

Things I am noticing already –

It does not feel warm? Where has my global warming gone? It’s 4 degrees every time I get out of my car.

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This is what it looks like when it is too cold for live people to be outdoors

Also, I am overwhelmed by new shopping choices . Why is there chocolate peppermint  drizzle popcorn? How come the sale price is $3.99 and it’s after New Year’s? Isn’t it getting both stale and soggy? Can I get a free sample?

Why is there a cauliflower  product ground up into dust then sold for more money? Can’t these people who want to lose weight just eat sand?

Don’t even look in the frozen section if you know what’s good for you.

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SURPRISE! Is there really an asterisk after the words “Hormones” and “Steroids”?

I am considering hosting my own local version of the Presidential Inauguration Ball, featuring these corn dogs. I learned  from The Guide to the 2017 Presidential Inauguration on Washington.org that

“It is cold in January in Washington, DC. Dress warmly and wear comfortable shoes.

Thousands of portable toilets are brought into National Mall and in front of Metro Stations for the event. Bring your own water and snacks or purchase some from hot dogs and pretzel stands.”

What exactly do they mean by cold, and are their dogs gluten free?

May I also add that I went for a cross country ski the other day out by Point Woronzoff. It was beautiful but the sewage treatment plant smelled like it was in overdrive. I assume the portable toliets at the inauguration will smell the same. It will make you consider going on a liquid diet and never defecating again.

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Here is the view from Point Woronzoff. I will let you imagine the smell of the fecal matter of 300,000 people after the holidays.

If you wish to attend an Inaugural ball and are in a decidedly funereal mood, the internet is ready to help.

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Yes, it’s cosplay, but found under search terms “funeral” and “ball gown”

Meanwhile, the ice fog has cleared and perhaps I shall see The Northern Lights this weekend. I wish you all a warm place to sleep and plenty of gluten free sweets in your pantry. Don’t let a little inauguration get you down. Find your own way to have a ball.

 

Top 10 Reasons we’re excited that Obama is visiting Anchorage, AK!

Note the casual poses of the secret service to the left.

Note the casual poses of the secret service to the left.

10  .Pat Benatar cancelled at the State Fair. Obama, in some ways, makes up for this incredible loss. Maybe he will sing a little something.

9.    Michelle! The only things we really have to eat here are cabbage, kale and salmon. I think she’ll like it.  If she doesn’t come it will be a little sad as no one here ever wears a dress.

8.  He will feel right at home as our Independent Governor is being sued by our Republican Legislature for trying to expand Medicaid.

7.  We need the tourists to stop looking for Sarah Palin.

6.  He could be filming the first episode his new reality TV show – “Guess what state I’m going to live in after I finish being President? ”

5.  Two hundred people showed up to see Rand Paul yesterday. I think Obama can get at least half that.

4.  He can almost see his old home in Hawaii from the Aleutian Islands.

3.  Downtown Anchorage now looks like a movie set, at least before the bars get out.

Which do you think he will notice first - the beautiful new banners or the various people without jobs hanging out at the park?

Which do you think he will notice first – the beautiful new banners or the various people without jobs hanging out at the park?

2.  He can personally observe how the heated fury of Don Young  has single-handedly melted the glaciers.

I want to be happy and you can be happy if you are free to have a gun!!

I want to be happy and you can be happy if you are free to have a gun!!

1. Secret Service guys are cute in a sneaky sort of way.

secret service

Want to move to Alaska?

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 Welcome to Alaska – A little ice, some icy snow with quaint ambient lighting

I hear it’s pretty cold everywhere else! Well, I need a new roommate and you only have to share the bathroom with two other people. January is the new April for us in AK. The average temperature is a balmy 30 degrees Fahrenheit.  Not bad for keeping meat fresh in your trunk. It melts a little during the day. You could scrape something like hamburger  and make a patty out of the outside layer while the inner slab of meaty-ness will stay frozen for a long stretch.

If you like to drink we have lots of ice. Lots. 4 to 6 inches thick on my driveway. My roommate and I tried to  use an ice tool on it but we only managed to clear a 20 ‘ x 1’ walkway and then some chunky dings for the other 30 ‘ down so we could practice our ice climbing.

I’m afraid there is no skiing. None of any kind, due to  our preference for ice.   There is some “light” occasionally during the day time, but don’t count on it.  We get fresh fruit and vegetables but that means they were fresh before they got put on the barge a week ago, far, far, away.  Stick with the frozen meat.

We do have some lovely sunsets in the winter which you will be lucky to see if you get out of work early.

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I left work early this day, don’t tell anyone.

We get bonus colors because the sun reflects on the great amount of ice we have!

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You’ve heard of black ice, this is pink ice, equally dangerous but pretty.

There are many jobs, especially wanted are ice sculptors. We get our famous Alaska Permanent Fund Dividend each year which usually goes to prevent ice from forming on our faces as we sleep. 

All in all, it’s better than being really hot isn’t it? That’s what I tell myself about getting older as well.

 

 

White Hot Anchorage!

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The temperature has hit 90 degrees F only a few times since I’ve lived here.

Today is one of them. I’ve noticed some strange things going on

 

 

1.The glaciers are no longer melting. They’re boiling then evaporating. Some are bursting into flames

2. Burnt humans covered with mosquito bites behave badly, like Khardashians.

3. Wearing sunglasses at 10 pm is like wearing fleece, silly, but sometimes necessary.

4. People here don’t have summer clothes but everyone seems to have capri pants which should  be destroyed at the end of the week for the sake of all that is good in humanity.

5. Working folk and retirees alike  realize that they complain about the weather no matter what it is, because they like to complain. This leads to a dark night of the soul, which lasts about 2 hours.

6. Salmon jumping into dip nets, already poached.

Hot dog

Hot lava Dog

7.  Superheroes have been called up to zap the evil planet emitting death rays.

Khannnnn you pass me the Coppertone?

Khannnnn you pass me the Coppertone?

8. Not to be outdone, the female of the species Homo Sapiens is building woman caves.

The view from my personal cave

The view from my personal cave

9.  People who moved from the East Coast to California, then to The Pacific Northwest, all the way to Alaska are now feeling what it’s like to be stepped on by their own carbon footprint.

10.  I was vaporized today while rollerblading

Radiation shadow left by a female, about 6' 4" on rollerblades

Radiation shadow left by a female, about 6′ 4″ on rollerblades

Changes I have noticed in Alaska coincidental to global warming

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Grizzlies and Polar bears now more geographically desirable to one another

More Craigslist replies for dating and housing from young men in warm places like Nigeria

Two Super Wal-Marts  built in Anchorage last year, either for shoppers migrating North or due to a genetic mutation in Alaskans who didn’t used to need so much stuff.

Increasing number of television series workers able to bear the unbearable weather and survive the deadliest seas in order to film Alaskans who are not working at the two newly remodeled Wal-Marts.

Size of salmon has decreased, possibly causing the King salmon to be downgraded to Queen’s Consort.

Weather in the lower 48 gives me increasingly little to complain about

Our U.S. representatives, senators and governor appear slightly more moderate in their behavior when contrasted with their peers than they have been in the past. We’re slipping.