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Other things my microwave can do

Microwave dings

I can paste a photo of someone I am angry at on an egg and blow it up in my microwave.

I can take a photo of someone I am mad at by converting my microwave into a pinhole camera.  After doing so, I may not be able to use the microwave/camera to blow up the photo on the egg. A cardboard box would do a better job as a camera.

I can spy on my roommates by cutting a hole in the kitchen counter and in the bottom of the microwave. Then I can hide in the cabinet underneath and have my head sitting in the microwave. This will really freak them out. They usually open the microwave before turning it on, so I think my brain is safe.

I can scare away men over 50 by continually opening the microwave while it is on, especially when they are near it. They may know that microwaves don’t render them infertile but do they really believe everything they read?

I can bake brownies in my microwave. They are guaranteed to be the worst brownies ever but they will bake quickly. Because I live in Alaska, I can bake special brownies really quickly in my microwave although this is totally against Federal regulations.  Federal regulations and benefits are going the way of Star Trek Conventions so I may need a bigger microwave.

I can put a yellow Peep in the microwave and get it to puff up like the president’s hair.

I can go to Goodwill or Salvation Army and get a big old school webcam and glue it to the top of my microwave. Then I will add some disco lighting synched with Bluetooth speakers and Put the whole thing in my bicycle basket or on the top of my car and ride around town playing songs which will make America great again.

I can use my microwave as a blunt weapon to attack intruders and other undesirables.

I can heat up paranoia and racial hatred by putting them in the microwave for two and a half minutes.

I can make a Jello mold of the president then put it in the microwave and watch it dissolve.

 

 

 

 

 

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You don’t need a weatherman to tell which way the wind is blowin’

It recently snowed, lots, for three days straight. The news  projected “overcast skies” with zero percent chance of precipitation each day. This photo was shot at the half way point.

house.pngThis is how it can feel anticipating the next four years.

My guess is that the chief weatherperson is on vacation in Hawaii and there is no backup but someone akin to a vice president who looks things up on Wikipedia, Encylopedia Brittanica  or Lands and Peoples from their home in Seattle. Even to Alaskans, Seattle is not the center of the universe.

landslands2lands3

I give the vice president, or whomever, the benefit of the 1955 edition even though the 1932 edition is more colorful.

1932.jpgEverything looks more colorful in the past – the reign of Queen Victoria, the winters of my childhood, the loves and losses. I distrust predicting the future with polls or by use of the vast amount of information available to me. The present continues to surprise me even though I speak to live people. Perhaps that’s because I know myself so poorly.

Only on few occasions do I speak to people without my hidden agenda oozing over my attempts at connection. Why should I expect any different from others? You would think I would have learned this practicing as a therapist but I continue to assume that with enough information I will be able to predict the behavior of others and even improve upon it. This is called grandiosity. Welcome to The American ideal.

I suffer from nostalgia which throw me into fantastical worlds where I am both old and young, safe yet brave, gifted yet of the common man. There are elements of these in both President Trump and Bernie Sanders. It must be difficult in a land of superheroes to elect a practical commander in chief.  Perhaps, the Christian culture fosters the search for a savior instead of a professional paper pusher. I forget that there is no paper anymore, just email, video and tweets.

I delight in ferreting out the B.S on Facebook, in The Huffington Post and The Anchorage Dispatch News. Perhaps those who practice Biblical Exegesis do this habitually or is it just the curse of the depressive? Paid adverts are deleted immediately, any post with a small child or wounded animal pleading not for themselves or their personal freedom but for the plight of their peoples are suspect. Promises and cures are equally annoying. I would enjoy reading that someone lost weight using tricks that would only work for them personally and may not be permanent.  The message is Hope. The command is Faith.

Even when I see many women marching in cute hats I question what I am supposed to feel. If I am honest, I know women used their savings, employed babysitters, and gained a sense of power on Saturday. These are women who vote and yet their vote did not win the election. I am not that interested. It’s good practice for the minority voice to be heard but I care more about the snow. It has fallen in vast amounts. People are mourning. I get it, but what about the snow? It’s still falling. I can be nostalgic and think about the good times we had but my source  is both removed and outdated.

  I am more interested in those who did not attend. Those who disagree, those who don’t vote, those who have an alternative solution to the world’s ills. These are the people who won the last election.  This is the weather I could have foretold by looking out the window in Alaska instead of listening to a weatherperson in Seattle.  It may be too late to get them to listen to me. I approach them not with my political agenda but with my own person, in my own hat. A show of force can be effective in some cases but in others it takes a fool to survive the chaos of the world. Wish me luck.

Exciting new technology regulations

1. All persons making a left hand turn across traffic are now required to be speaking on a cell phone unless a marked police car is present at the intersection.

2. Members of women’s sports teams must each  choose an ipad to endorse  : ipad regular, heavy flow, minipad or minipad with wings.

3. All  Bluetooth devices must be recycled at local dental facilities and will be installed gratis in AARP members’ mouths instead of costly bridge work.

4. Any child born with two thumbs on one hand will be granted gifted status in the educational system.

5. Children who look up from their devices while talking to an adult will be put in remedial classes.

6. Flat Stanley production will be outsourced to a far off land where he can be projected back in 3-D.

7. “Winding a watch” will henceforth be a euphemism for a sexual activity yet to be determined.

8. Any person caught with a ringtone tune which is not in the top 10 itune downloads of the month will be executed.

9.  Energy credits will be due all U.S. citizens who spend less than 6 hours a day on the internet. These credits can be used to  procure  sex.

10. Anyone who speaks while someone is enjoying a humorous video of cats will be placed in a forced labor camp retooling caustic laptop batteries for a minimum of 5 years or two presidential debates, whichever is longer.