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Anxiety Woman tries every peppermint product of the holiday season!

BE MERRY!  The season demands I comply. Peppermint disappears from the shelves like eggnog and its predecessor pumpkin spice. It dies a cruel death even though you and I know it will bloom in every crevice of free soil come June.  I need PEP to get through the winter. PEP smells good and it comes with sugar and chocolate. It is spirited!

Although I do worry a bit about diabetes, I worry more about depression, Donald Trump’s impact on my life and my own sanity so this year I tried peppermint. Lot’s o’ peppermint.  Here are the results.

Product number 1:  Peppermint cocoa or mocha.

I make it at home with the cheapest cocoa packet, almond milk and peppermint extract.  I never used to buy the packets because I always have baking cocoa on hand but you  have to put 5 minutes of work into that.  When I buy it at a coffee stand it better be great because I make this all the time and I want a treat. Give me the Goddamn whipped cream please!

Kaladi’s Brothers hot chocolate was too sweet so I could not taste the peppermint at all. Steam Dot was not sweet enough, more like chocolate mud.

The winners:  Starbucks in Anchorage for its  “treaty-ness” and Peet’s Coffee overall because of customer service, ambiance and superlative everything.

Product number 2:  Peppermint ice cream

The overall winner is Tillamook. Both creamy and pepperminty, you can’t beat it.  I couldn’t even find it this year!  I tried others which were just bad. Peppermint oil is very strong and cheap but some places use artificial flavor anyway, yuck! It also doesn’t have to be pink, thank you!

Product number 3: Candy canes

The expensive ones are no better than the cheap ones but I stick with peppermint or crème de menthe. Then there are those gigantic gourmet canes they sell at ACE Hardware. Go expensive if you must get a fruit flavor, pumpkin pie or coffee flavor or make some kind of impression. All the flavored ones at Fred Meyer’s are just citric acid and run off from Monsanto. Look at this $1 pack off the sale rack.

cc

I also keep a pack in my Subaru for earthquakes and getting lost in the wilds of Wasilla. I must have bought them a long time ago as the price reads 19 cents!

19cents

Product number 4: Peppermint chocolates.

This part of the experiment has been most fulfilling. Ghirardelli?– NO!  Too much packaging, too little peppermint. Lindt white chocolate peppermint balls – YES! Know that handsome beardless chef they have on their advertisements? Somehow the chocolate is as smooth and shiny as his face!

lindt

Chocolate peppermint bark from Walmart – okay but chocolate bark from Alaskan Sweet Things – MUCH BETTER. Walmart’s bark tastes like it could have been almond bark or toffee bark and they had some left over candy canes. It’s not even cheap. Alaskan Sweet Things is less smooth- thus less corporate, beautifully colored, tasty and uses -GLACIAL WATER, (perhaps from Anchorage taps).

I confess I would eat any of the above laying around but making your own white and dark chocolate peppermint bark is the best. See’s used to have some white peppermint truffles but I could not find them this year. They are GREAT! Andes After Chocolate Mints and York Peppermint Patties will do in a pinch.  They don’t really say “Happy Holidays!” , more like, “All I could afford was these.”

Winners:  Tie between  Lindt White Chocolate Peppermint Balls and Alaskan Sweet Things White Chocolate Peppermint Bark.

Product number 5: Peppermint popcorn. Yes, it tastes good but it isn’t really worth it because as I get older everything sticks in my teeth.

Default winner: Boom Chicka Pop White chocolate peppermint popcorn

I have a headache now. Too much peppermint, sugar and Bold Italics. So much money and calories spent on research. I panicked and signed up for a “You can be a copywriter” website to increase my income and an Online Dating Site to improve my self esteem.  I wonder what the flavor of 2019 will be. Any suggestions?

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Socially responsible ways to dispose of leftover Valentine’s Day Candy

 

chocolate

Donate to a starving male figure skater.

Send to the NRA, with congratulations for latest success story in their struggle to preserve the Right to Bear Arms.

Save for science fair project on the future of the U.S. coal industry. Remind judges that lumps of sugar are more dangerous to our health than lumps of coal.

Bring to Border Wall testing site to see if candy can be thrown over wall prototypes. This will be especially appreciated if the candy is made with cannabutter.

Mail off melted bits to 23 and Me to trace artisanal lineage then repatriate candy to its ancestral homeland.

While streaming calming music of the rainforest, place candies in lukewarm water and slowly heat until the skins of the candies are scalded off. Turn up music if the sound of chocolate screaming becomes too disturbing. Distill into a mug and top with mini marshmallows.

Contact Health Dept. who will dispatch Haz-Mat team to deliver items to sole resident of your area who is not on Keto diet.

Deliver to White House so our President can throw bon-bons at citizens the next time he visits Puerto Rico.

Address them to your Senator or Congressman with love from a member of the opposing party.

Pack with emergency supplies for next viewing of State of The Union Address.

 

 

Thanks for reading. I had to take a break from blogging. Now I need to return so that I can laugh again.

Enough with the Salted Caramel!!!!

I did a search for Salted Caramel condoms today and all I could  find was this.

Looks like Ghiradelli's but it's not!

Looks like Ghiradelli’s but it’s not!

The salted caramel thing is just something for me to rant about because I’m currently unemployed and a little anxious. Sugar, salt and fat- that’s all salted caramel is.  It tastes good like bacon but it’s not probably as good for you.  People just keep thinking up things for us to get addicted to.  Crack flavored Pringles, Methyl amphetamine Oreos. Then there’s these.

Overkill!

Overkill!

These are just scraps – stuff left from the edges of the baking pan that have been fried in butter and salted.  I have not tried them because I like soft brownies which are not covered with crap to disguise the poor texture or lack of real chocolate in the recipe.

I have a bad case of seasonal affective disorder.  I moved to Alaska for economic opportunity but that was in the dark ages before the internet. I did not know that darkness could eat away at the human brain.  I love working seasonal summer jobs which means I have to find a new job in the fall, just when I feel worse for having this kind of a seesaw brain. Perhaps I just hate myself?  What is there really to hate about salted caramel?  It surely will become a hair color, house paint and tint for merino wool sweaters in the next few years.

It’s enough to drive me to drink, but you know where this is going.

It's artisanal as well

It’s artisanal as well

You knew there would be salted caramel vodka, along with the Captain Crunch and Fruit Loops flavors. This next one made me sad though.

NOOOOOO!

NOOOOOO!

Can it really be Bailey’s if it’s salted caramel? Why not Pumpkin Spice for Halloween and Peppermint for Christmas? There is no salted caramel holiday and will never be one if I have anything to do with it.

And if you are on the wagon

Is using salted caramel ice cream to make a float with salted caramel root beer overkill?

Is using salted caramel ice cream to make a float with salted caramel root beer overkill?

At least it’s made with real sugar!

Yes I am miserable. It’s Monday and everyone is back at work but I’m also not miserable because I needed a rest and I found a recipe for salted caramel chocolate oreo pie which I WILL NOT show you a photo of because it is just too decadent. All right if you insist,

Dark-Chocolate-Salted-Caramel-Oreo-Pie-Recipe-03

http://www.kevinandamanda.com/recipes/dessert/dark-chocolate-salted-caramel-oreo-pie.html

It’s just oreos (With BUTTER) for the crust, Brown sugar, whipping cream and BUTTER for the filling then chocolate chips and whipping cream for the top covered in salt.  I don’t think most chocolate chips are made with butter, probably some even more unhealthy fat stuff and isn’t whipping cream just un-whipped butter?  This looks like a very easy way to kill yourself. I could serve it with Salted Caramel Baileys hot chocolate and die. Then I won’t have to worry about finding a job. I have a trip to see family scheduled so don’t worry, I’m not going to off myself by mixing alcohol, sugar, salt and butter just yet. Now I can get back to worrying whether I will get a job offer then have to tell them about my trip.

Anxiety woman peruses The NY Times for possible birthday gifts

I could have scanned the ad inserts from Fred Meyers and J C Penney in the local rag, The Alaska Dispatch, but this was much more depressing, right up my alley. My birthday comes but once a year and this is a marvelous way to prepare. Find all the expensive rubbish you don’t need and vow not to buy it, nor receive it.  It’s like vowing never to marry, you may actually be fighting off the offers.  So without ado, here’s my non-wish list.

Upscale serenity

Upscale serenity

 

 Just say NO to Meditation Bells

These things are crazy! Are all Buddhists nuts or just The rich American ones?  These look like the bells that the Altar boys rang in Catholic Church when we said “Body of Christ.” Did Jesus/Buddha really like tinkly bells and bling? Perhaps just the priests?  Isn’t a diamond studded meditation bell a little like a diamond studded social security card? I never understood the diamond studded crosses either. What would Jesus wear?

 

Instead get me chocolate

 

 

Respect lost? Priceless!

Respect lost? Priceless!

 

No, I do not want  “One more day in Vegas

= one more STD, one more night searching for my room in a vast sea of what looks like corridors of a state penitentiary,  one more false expectation that I will meet the love of my life and he won’t have a drink and a cigarette in his hand.

Instead see above

 

And it is the path more travelled by

And it is the path more traveled by

 

NO! NOT Another Inspirational handbook for changing my life/the world. If I was able to help myself, don’t you think I would have done so by now? Do I still believe that helping others is going to make me happy? That maneuver gets old quickly. Why are we put on this world? Only God know, so don’t over think it. That’s my new Golden Rule.

I can’t handle any more advice on how to get a man, get a job or get happy. I have chocolate for the last one and I think it may work for the other two if just I got more creative. I’m aware that escaping into chocolate won’t save the world since there are people who are actually allergic to it just like  they are to gluten and exercise . I am also aware that most people change the world without ever knowing it,  getting paid for, or publishing about it.

This particular book, “A Path Appears,” is universally liked by both movie stars and mystics.  Should there be a shortage, I will be doing my part by doing without it.  I am more likely to change the world by making a complete fool of myself and creating a bit of  unintentional laughter in my wake.  One more piece of information on how to be more effective in my life might fire up the overdoing, people pleasing urges which have already almost brought me to ruin. Please stop the presses, and the facebook game apps (available tie in with  sister book, “Half The Sky.”)

 

NO.   NO.   NO! to gigantic metallic accessories!

Hope you got your matching dental grilles

Hope you got your matching dental grilles

I love glitter  because it is not gold. These cameras are not as funny as the Flavor Flav clocks. No they are more like golden tennis rackets or golf clubs presented to winners at the country club tournament.  How would I know? I don’t know. I’m making this all up because I have issues and need to complain about something.

 

These are classy, if you have the record to pull them off.

These are classy, if you have the record to pull them off.

I haven’t been to jail so I don’t think I would look right walking around with an electronic ankle bracelet or gigantic lock and chain just for fun. They look tiny here but the effect is something like observing a smiling extra in Twelve Years a Slave.

 

Here is an entire outfit I don’t want or need. Do you?

Never sit on the grass wearing white!

Never sit on the grass wearing white!

The coat is made of white plastic so perhaps that is why the model looks so uncomfortable. She can wipe that clean but the $4000 skirt can not touch the ground.   I have an idea for a TV series. Sr. Bertrille, The Flying Nun, crash lands during a hurricane. She winds up an unwilling contestant on Survivor. Would you vote her off the island and bring on the wrath of God?

 

I still have lots to read of this Sunday’s NY Times  so there are plenty more things to not want. I have my paper, and that will be recycled, eventually.

Happy birthday to me!