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The Trash Can of Shame

 

This is it.  This isn’t even the kitchen trash where I sat for two hours waiting for the 10 trick or treaters. This is the trash can in my bedroom where today, the day after Halloween, I proceeded to eat most of the leftover candy. I only ate two Almond Joys. I bought these because I don’t like them. It appears that no one else does either because my roommates ate all the Reeses and left the coconutty rejects.trash2

I admit to also eating two bags of candy before Halloween which forced me to buy said Almond Joys. In my favor, I lost a bunch of weight this summer and have been trying to gain it back. This seems to be helping except that I can’t sleep and am forced to blog as penance. I wish I could have given more candy away. But with Halloween being on a Wednesday and the weather being a chill 15 degrees, I knew I was not going to meet my charitable goal.

Not that I didn’t try. Here are my window decorations. You can’t see the strobe light I’ve got inside which makes the demons flash!

window

Here are a couple of brightly coifed characters hanging out on my porch.

porch

The best moment of the evening was when one of the children asked if he could give the seated character a hug.  It gives me hope that a new generation of children is full of empathy for those who are different. This piece was originally rising from a grave at our workplace haunted house. The grave read “R. I. P.- But I wasn’t tired yet!”

How lucky am I to work at a facility which has both a haunted house and children who come in to trick or treat??!!.  Since it’s a “long-term care facility” the residents chose to have a haunted hospital room and a graveyard.   Residents played a nurse and doctor dressed in precaution wear encouraging people to get their flu shot with a giant syringe. Beside them was a dummy covered in cobwebs and surrounded by bats, (especially on point as two bats invaded the place this summer.) Another resident was the Rock Star gatekeeper to the cemetery. I ushered people directly from the hospital to the cemetery giving them a quick brain transplant made from paper mache in between.

Before work, I was so busy bringing in costumes and props that I forgot my own costume.  Luckily I had an extra “Annoying Orange” costume in there that I could slip over my clothes. Several residents surprisingly remarked that it fit my personality perfectly. Those are definitely very much like my eyes and teeth but my skin is a bit more wrinkled.

annoying_orange

When I got home I was exhausted and probably looked scary in a pasty white person way. My first visitor came alone and looked exactly like this.

charliemc

I was caught off guard as I could not fathom that any young person would know who Charlie McCarthy was. I started to ask him but he was not talking, because of course, he came alone.

I am alone now and very awake with a sugary irritation in my head.   I swore at the computer and at Microsoft Publisher before I left work. Then I ate more candy. Our staff agreed, maybe less is more.  Perhaps next year we will have a parade instead of a haunted house.  The haunted house did keep the residents busy for a month building something to share. One of my favorite touches was the SAD light which was repurposed to show skull xrays. We also purchased twelve extra super jumbo bags of candy. It was a joy to watch the residents share these with the visiting kids.

I spoke to a resident today about death. They shared that their spirit will live on without pain. I am reminded of all of the spirits who live on in me through my exploits. Someday I will join with them in a haunting of this world. Until then I will celebrate whenever I can even when my trashcan betrays me.

 

 

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Socially responsible ways to dispose of leftover Valentine’s Day Candy

 

chocolate

Donate to a starving male figure skater.

Send to the NRA, with congratulations for latest success story in their struggle to preserve the Right to Bear Arms.

Save for science fair project on the future of the U.S. coal industry. Remind judges that lumps of sugar are more dangerous to our health than lumps of coal.

Bring to Border Wall testing site to see if candy can be thrown over wall prototypes. This will be especially appreciated if the candy is made with cannabutter.

Mail off melted bits to 23 and Me to trace artisanal lineage then repatriate candy to its ancestral homeland.

While streaming calming music of the rainforest, place candies in lukewarm water and slowly heat until the skins of the candies are scalded off. Turn up music if the sound of chocolate screaming becomes too disturbing. Distill into a mug and top with mini marshmallows.

Contact Health Dept. who will dispatch Haz-Mat team to deliver items to sole resident of your area who is not on Keto diet.

Deliver to White House so our President can throw bon-bons at citizens the next time he visits Puerto Rico.

Address them to your Senator or Congressman with love from a member of the opposing party.

Pack with emergency supplies for next viewing of State of The Union Address.

 

 

Thanks for reading. I had to take a break from blogging. Now I need to return so that I can laugh again.

Good Friday Cakes and candies!

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Easter Candy has gotten out of control! It’s been jumping into my mouth unbidden for weeks. Tomorrow is Good Friday and I must stop. Unfortunately, I’ve discovered that, living in Alaska, I have missed an entire dimension of sweeties – Good Friday treats!  As I was waiting at Walgreens for my antidepressants I saw these.

Theologically illogical

Theologically illogical

As you know, the cross is a symbol of Good Friday. Easter is after the cross. Easter is The Resurrection and the Easter Bunny, Eggs, Peeps etc.

But these are mass marketed goods. There are much better choices if you choose to celebrate Good Friday with a snack.

Still time to whip some of these up for the work crew tomorrow

Still time to whip some of these up for the work crew tomorrow

Or if you want to impress people with you religious authenticity you might want to purchase one of these.

artisanal Crucifixion

artisanal Crucifixion

It may not be 85% cacao but I think eating it would keep me up all night. If you want something a little more light hearted, how about these?

Fashion Forward Friday!

Fashion Forward Friday!

This one needs no explanation, or at least none that I can give you.

Pretzel jesus

Pretzel Jesus

I will spare you the cake pops and Cross pops, particularly the baby blue white chocolate versions which I pray are not blueberry or, worse still, razzleberry flavored. Instead let’s move right to the cakes! Here is one which I give points not only for its sincerity but for its execution, no pun intended.

Classy

Classy

Technically this is a Christmas cake but just a change the birthday greeting to something referring to his death would make it work.

Lucky for you, I have been doing my research and have located the treasure trove of Good Friday and Religiously themed cakes on the web. You will love the use of a chocolate chip cookie as the stone rolled away from the tomb. Check it out!

http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com/bella/2013/03/jesus_cakes_easter_fail.php

Happy Good Friday. You really should do The Stations of The Cross this year to make up for all these calories. Don’t forget your Fitbit!

Hardy Alaskan Halloween update

First a witch’s hat off to all those families who managed to make some sort of Halloween in the aftermath of the big Sandy storm. Candlelight and stories often last longer in the memories of children than candy.  Candy is very sticky though, something of a fetish, befitting a pagan festival.  I can hardly stop thinking about it.

I was overprepared for this particular holiday in that it fell on a school night and my visitors were underwhelming in number. Yet my neighbors were  inspired by my backyard decorations to get their  pumpkin lights out and  make a real bonfire on their front lawn. I couldn’t beat that. Their lights are still on by the way. I think they have a hangover.  The only thing I had on fire was my REAL, (not electric) pumpkin below.

Goofy but REAL!

 

Note the very tiny specks of sparkly snow underneath which add that Alaska je ne sais pas as well as make a smooth transition to the traditional holiday season.  I consider Halloween a post christian/neo-pagan celebration in that it addresses fear by playing around with it instead of pretending everything is going to be okay, we’re all going to be saved and there is enough food for everyone.  I know it looks like it’s all about the candy but I say it’s all about the id in the largest sense.  It’s a treasure hunt through dangerous territory, unknown neighbors and territories. It’s Ulysses and all that stuff.

Best costume of the night was a child with warm coat and a light saber accompanied by his fully costumed gigantic dad, Darth Vader.

Best candies of the night – Tootsie pop drops sent by my sister. I ate all of them.

New fangled wrapper – old fashioned taste!

They have that comfortable old-fashioned taste of citric acid which then melts away into a chocolate caramel. Note that for people who are kind of clueless they have included a hint that these are “Tootsie pops WITHOUT the stick!”  They are indeed but much smaller and could conceivably have been called Tootsie poops.

In high school I figured out how to make tootsie rolls myself with  the use of a magical candy thermometer. I made them for a bake sale at a football game once. No one bought any. At first I was embarrassed. I realized they looked like little poops. Then, like most good cooks, I was ecstatic because I figured out I got to take them all home. There’s nothing as fine as ugly delicious food you can have all to yourself.

Another interesting candy find, from some kind of bag ‘o 80 candies I bought for my 15 trick or treaters was the Willy Wonka  Nerds.
I knew there must be something special about them when two tiny sisters got angry as I gave one a purple one and the other a pink one.

“I want a purple one too.”

“I want a pink one too.”

This said as they actually reached into the bowl, pulled it down to their level and plucked out the extra candies.  Although I was surprised at their assertiveness I felt this display was in keeping with the monster theme of Halloween and so much nicer that grabbing women’s body parts on Mardi Gras.

Very oddly shaped, sweet & sour treasure in a perky package

 

Like the Tootsie pop, Nerds are  loaded with citric acid and sugar so that your tongue thinks its discovered  familiar fruits  but  they’re shaped like tiny pebbles. The pebble part makes them difficult to handle. They spill all over the place but what kid cares about that? The killer is that it took me over 10 minutes to eat a tiny box! There are a ton of pebbles in there and they are kind of hard to chew and too sour to suck all at once. Unless you actually are a child  I guess.

I figured out a new way to make my yard look scary too. I had a seated skull headed person holding a shark in a bucket. Don’t ask me why, I just have this stuff hanging around the house. I also had a witch which I tied to my deck fence with a belt and sat her on a broom. Trouble is when it’s dark you can’t see this stuff very well so I stuck some of those flickering bike lights in the snow and up a tree to freak out kids and give them seizures (just kidding they weren’t true strobe lights).  It’s the only way to get people to come to your house in Anchorage. It’s too cold for kids to walk around in a flimsy costumes so most parents drive them around and then stop only at the houses that are snazzed up.

We are the keepers of an ancient tradition, that of fear and of reward for overcoming that fear. It’s a glorious game  that adults admit they don’t want to give up. The dressing up  and indulging in naughtiness frees the soul to travel to the other side. Who needs drugs when a little makeup or a mask will do the trick? In life you have to play to win. May the odds be forever in your favor.

If there’s an earthquake this damned house is going to fall on me!

 

Old people’s Christmas candy

I wouldn’t mind a box of Bernie Bott’s Every Flavored Beans for Christmas but I’ll have to get them for myself as my family comes from the Boston area and we have very traditional candies we grew up with. Most of the people who read this blog probably grew up with me but there are a few British WordPress people on the sleigh so let’s humor them with our silly sweeties.

Let us start with the beans. Boston Baked Beans. I saw some at Sam’s Club here in Anchorage the other day. I remember them coming in a small box which had painted bricks on it and a little window through which you could see the beans. At Sam’s you have to buy them by the bushel. I hope you will agree with me that that is way too much of a good thing.   The packaging is very important as  they are much more attractive and edible when packaged like this.

It’s just candy, no farting!

I don’t think you could get a kid to eat these today. I got on the website Ferrarapan.com and they are really old fashioned, cold-pan processed peanuts with basically sugar, food coloring and edible wax to make them shine. That’s pretty simple and they excel in looking beanish.  Ferrarapan is however located in Chicago.  I don’t know if they suddenly appeared in Sam’s because it’s the holidays and they look so warm and cozy or if it’s a marketing ploy for baby boomers who need to buy cheap presents for other boomers who have everything. What says Happy Holidays more than a bunch of fake beans? How about a bunch of fake fruit?

A smile turned upside down for your teeth

I have some of these on my kitchen table right now, for research purposes only.  They came in a container like the ones that are used to package ground beef. There are four rows of four slices, red and green for the holidays. One red is strawberry, the other is watermelon. I threw all the watermelons out. You can go through my trash if you want them. The two greens both taste of lime but there is no lime added just citric acid and no vitamin C. Three pieces is a serving if you are putting this in a school lunch instead of something like ketchup.

One item which would be in my stocking every Christmas as a child it would be a chocolate Santa, or two or three since these were the days before Supersizing.  They would be milk chocolate as we actually thought milk was good for you.  They would be wrapped in foil which was quite animated in it’s santaness and worth saving. Usually the candy itself would vaguely resemble something male but could be mistaken for a random uncle. Note the difference in these two images.

Eat them all! There can be only one!

Versus

Dear God, Is this adult candy?

The real old people’s candy is still around and still produced in Boston.

Like candied lasagna noodles

Also found in other pasta forms such as this

Petrified potato gnocchis?

Despite the wonderful artistry I can’t imagine eating the ribbons. They remind me of eating glass. I do like some of the filled candies, the ones that are raspberryish. They are clearly marked artificially flavored  but they do come in a keep fresh cannister just in case anything which resembles the shadow of a fruit might ferment or go “bad”. I would nominate these old fashioned candies as a must for earthquake, storm and armageddon survival kits. Perfect for the trunk of an Alaskan motor vehicle.

I now have only have 4 Boston fruit slices left. One will be on the top of the rubbish waiting for you after I go to bed. 🙂