The funny thing is, I don’t feel extraordinarily anxious but my hands are shaking, my legs are aching and I can’t seem to find a movie that does anything for my serenity. I constantly worry about the characters. I don’t watch TV anymore. Does anyone? I even have trouble with sit-coms. I hate it when I know people are going to be disappointed or embarrassed. I’ve picked up enough lingo that I can play along with co-workers when they talk about Jon Snow. I like his coat.
I don’t mind zombies as much because they are so stupid. They are stiff, awkward, and always hungry like me. They are funny. So am I. I was just watching a WWII show. Why would I do that? People are going to be killed! I tell myself I am just a sensitive person. The truth is I am so highly strung I start to vibrate unless it is a real emergency then I calm down for some reason. Maybe because I know from history that I can’t afford to get worked up and I am much more effective if I slow down,
Then there is the news. Why would a person like myself check in on the status of the Supreme Court nomination proceedings? That’s like taking amphetamines. Nothing good comes from it.
My body recently decided that it was too excited to process food! Once again I did not feel overly stressed but I hadn’t been sleeping much. My intestines went into crisis mode and shot everything out like a cannon.
“That should take care of things. We got her attention”, they said.
I have been eating bland food for fear of another explosion. Maybe I need to watch bland shows as well. I sort of like documentaries about different kind of occupations like hatmakers or cider making but then these small businesses die off and I feel sad. It gets hard to tell whether being under the weather physically makes me sad and anxious or it is the other way around.
I tried making some fudge tonight. It was a disaster. It turned into chocolate caramel. I became even more rigid. So I went outside. Sometimes I have to go out and look for beauty.
I love Fall and this has been a beautiful one in Anchorage. Fall is sort of sad so that might have something to do with my mood. Here are some fall photos I took. I’m so lucky to live here. You should visit in Fall. It’s quiet, less crowded but still alive on the streets and trails. You’re more likely to see The Northern Lights.
That’s me and my shadow persona. The salmon are no longer jumping up the falls here at the hatchery. Instead, there are about 30 of them hunkered down under the bridge at the end of my street. Difficult to photograph when they are so shy.
The swans are ready to leave!
The evening light is so soft. Everyone is out walking, biking, jogging. I say hello to them all.
From writing this I’ve confirmed that relaxation is not mine to be found on the internet or in forcing activities. Serenity is more important than keeping up to date with what everyone else says is important. I have to keep my focus there or else I may spend the rest of my days in the bathroom.