Sorry to take so long to respond to your last letter but its all I can do to keep up with my Facebook account. Now I’m hearing Facebook is old hat! What are we two anachronisms gonna do? I bet the kids don’t even write in cursive anymore.
So here’s my list, top secret, no Wikileaks please. Most folks assume I’m perfect and all powerful, I hate to disillusion them but your polls are much higher than mine. I need your help.
- Let’s get some rain falling somewhere other than Bangladesh and The Philippines. Can you do that for me? Do you think a little rain, a little sun, a great year for produce would cool down tempers in the Middle East a bit? I haven’t been having any luck and I just don’t think new iphones are going to do it this year.
- How about vaccines for all the kids whose parents wouldn’t let them get vaccinated? I think I’ve got a few connections in public health who could train the elves to administer them.
- I want you to dump all the toy guns somewhere that people have a sense of humor or find a plant where they can figure out a way to use them as logs for those obnoxious tiny houses everyone is talking about. Second thought- no tiny houses for anyone this year and no fake guns. People can live in apartments and share toliets like the rest of the world and kids can use sticks to point and shoot at each other. Deliver lots of sticks!
- I’m sending the Grim Reaper to ride along with you. Everyone who asked for a Kalashnikov gets a visit from him instead.
- This is going to seem a little mean spirited, but I’m getting old. Please check your list and deliver the gluten free treats ONLY to people who have Celiac disease. The rest of them? Let them eat cake!
- Is there anyway you can think of to bankrupt Coca Cola and Pepsi this year without putting lots of people out of work? I keep seeing more and more teeth under the pillows and these aren’t even kids. The Tooth Fairy has me on speed dial. Don’t suggest more Kombucha, please!
- We’ve got to find a way to discourage American football even further. Maybe a card with every ball that says, “A brain injury waiting to happen.”? How about a bumper sticker on your sleigh that says “Think or play football.” I like the ring of that.
- My so called “son” just stopped by and wants to thank you for taking the heat off him this season. He’s so embarrassed by all the baby pictures. He’s more burned out on humans than I am, I think there’s some internalized prejudice going on there seeing as he is mixed in background. Could you get him a couple of tickets to Star Wars? I want him to take a nice girl, or guy. I really don’t care, I just want him out of the house but when I tried before that ended badly.
I’m sure I can think of more things to put on the list but I know you’re really busy. Take care. See you at the retreat.