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Anxiety woman toils at The Halloween Store

Anxiety Woman is having many adventures this year on her journey to a new career.  Listening to “Highway to Hell” punctuated by feline screams and pronouncements from various demons regarding,  “Eating my brains,” is a new treat.

I get nervous when I’m unemployed.  I get nervous when I work.  I prefer to be paid for being nervous.  This allows me to eat when I’m nervous which is comforting.

The shop which graciously took me in, (the only one out of 4 to which I applied), is very large and busy. I am grateful for this as working in a Halloween Store was on my unconscious bucket list.  I did not realize I wanted to until this week when traveling the world on as a cook on a freighter appeared to require more planning.    I like zombies, sci fi,  glitter, and  bright day of the dead colors, ( there is an entire day of the dead section.)    Being old means I had to learn who Bain is, Harley Quinn and all of Monster High.

Nothing to do with Commedia Delle Arte and everything to do with Batman

Nothing to do with Commedia Delle Arte and everything to do with Batman

There’s a Duck Dynasty aisle, a Walking Dead aisle, Game of Thrones,  a small Hogwarts section and a non-existent Frozen section due to it being sold out within a week of opening.  Freddy and Jason co-exist as do vampires and hippies, Hunger Gamers and Cavemen.

new Alaska occupational code: Reefer Nurse

new Alaska occupational code: Reefer Nurse

Most of the store, however is dedicated to sexy ladies.   Almost all the people trying on costumes are normal sexy ladies trying to look like the impossible  blonde, buxom, airbrushed babes on the costume packages. The ladies are good natured enough about trying hard to pretend. We only have one mirror in the dressing room, that helps.  But it may take trying on up to 6 costumes such as Heartbreaker Nurse, Say Ah nurse, Nurse Knockout, Cardiac Arrest Nurse, Hot Flash Nurse and Army Nurse  to figure out that beauty doesn’t come in a 3 foot colored swatch of spandex.   It’s then  difficult for me to repackage said nurse uniforms and find which section to which they return. Some go on the sexy wall, some with the branch of military service, some on the discount rack.  Just so you don’t think women are being stereotyped into one sexy occupation, there are just as many variations on the themes of women cops and convicts.

sexy cop

Alaska State Troopers – Look out!

There are so many rules about the dressing rooms and so much traffic that I make lots of mistakes. I let people go in together, (a big no-no), sometimes I let them take in more than two items especially when they seem to be just sequined superhero underoos.  No one seems inclined to steal the costumes as many don’t fit. No one so far has had sexual relations behind the curtains but this is a worry for management.   I have been “reminded” of the rules. I continue to forget because I think I am at a party, not at a job.  If I had my way I would just send everyone out with a Minion costume.

There is also a VERY adult aisle where most of the humor hinges on penises and testicles such as the  giant squirrel holding his nuts. I have not sold any of these. I did sell a number of items to people running a costume road race this weekend. One man will be wearing a fabric milk carton with his face stuck  inside  the  “Missing Child” frame.  Another runner grabbed the last Tardis tank top which I had my eyes on. This is for the best as I spent $200. at the psychiatrist’s this morning and can not be using my $9/hr to purchase fancy dress items, even with my $25 % discount.

After about three hours of work I get  irritated at The Guantanamo Bay Dummy who shrieks unexpectedly while banging his hooded head against the wall.  I can’t imagine a combat vet would do well in this store.   This being Alaska, there are many fake guns available which, in the dark,  may be mistaken by cops who are carrying real guns.  There are also fancy fake knives, swords, axes and giant hammers like the one used by The Mighty Thor. Do real toy stores stock such items? Perhaps, but not in such profusion.  The loudness, the abundance of violence and the  amount of money spent on this holiday is shocking, but on the other hand, very American and  indicative of a healthy economy.

It goes well with grey hair!

It goes well with grey hair!

Next week we get to wear costumes and  hand out candy on the holiday of Halloween which ends my festive month long season of employment. That is if I don’t get fired for shaking too much, something that was brought to my attention by an iphone obsessed co-worker who shall remain unnamed.   She wondered why I never stop moving. I wondered silently why she even cared.  I am a bit overstimulated by the environment but I think this is better than being totally tuned out.   I would not mind wearing the sexy mummy costume next week but I will probably settle for The Salem Witch which is not as popular and therefore available in my size.  With my height it might even be strangely short and sexy.   That’s a bit creepy, but perfect for the season.

Just like home!

Just like home!


About polarflares

My head is so big because it has so many holes and air gets in.

8 responses »

  1. Pics, as they say, or it didn’t happen. 🙂

  2. Sounds like fun all the same. Trick or Treat!

  3. In the UK we don’t celebrate Halloween to the extent of the US. Some years ago though we had several trick or treat -ers in fancy dress knock on our door (they were only young, and the adults who were accompanying them stayed well back so that they could have their fun). We had a variety of treats, and a can of silly string for the lads who tried it on without making any effort at all. They came back for more though!

    • I am surprised that our store does not carry silly string but perhaps that is wise in that someone would dare someone else to open it up and there would have to be an inquiry as to who caused the mess resulting in some sort of string theory. 🙂

  4. Michael B. Dealy

    I very much enjoy your life! (Maybe, even, a bit more than you do…) As long as you keep writing, I’ll certainly keep reading. Gosh, you’re swell.


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