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Skills I have learned at my new job which will help during the Zombie Apocalypse

What I will look like after I am bitten

What I will look like after I am bitten


1.  Maneuvering two loaded luggage carts at once.

You may think this is easy. There is an art to getting the momentum balanced with the control of two artfully placed piles of duffels and a combination of hard/soft wheeled luggage through doors and onto a motor coach. Imagine how much more difficult this will be when you are maneuvering two full carts of provisions through a wasteland while being chased by zombies.


2.  Clear meaningful communication on a walkie-talkie

I have not mastered this yet. It helps to have a distinctive voice so that people develop a human connection with you as opposed to responding just to your code number. They will be more likely to save you from brain consumption if you sound like an Australian, a slacker or a very elderly woman.  I know this because these are the people I recognize on the walkie talkie. The rest could be zombies for all I know. I’m sure they think I am a zombie as I frequently forget the rules, don’t sign off and talk on and on as if I don’t have a clue about radio etiquette.



3.  Making your uniform  lasts as many days as possible without laundering

There’s not going to be a lot of time for laundry in the Zombie Apocalypse.  That doesn’t mean you have to smell bad. One hint, don’t work so hard and fast that you sweat profusely. Slow and steady produces less sweat for zombies to smell.  I just brought some Febreeze –  unscented.  This will be an essential in any zombie survival kit.


4. Signing in/Out on the timeclock including breaks

I used to do a time sheet once every two weeks. Now I have a time card and access to a telephone time clock for lunch breaks.  In the future, it will be extra important to let workmates and loved ones know when we are in and out of Zombie Safety Zones.  We will be logging in and out of the shower and when retrieving mail. A missed punch could indicate a sudden change in un-dead status.


5.  Negotiating an ever changing schedule

Once the Zombie Apocalypse arrives there will be no 9-5 jobs, no 4 10’s with three days off. Everyone will be on call like they are in retail, hospitals and in the hospitality industry.  You might as well train for it now because your co-workers could have their arms bitten off in an instant and someone is going to have to take their place. Also a bit of unpredictability might  make the difference between life and death. You don’t want to meet a wall of zombies waiting for the rubes as they pull in and out of downtown during rush hour do you?  I don’t believe the Unions are prepared with regulations to deal with benefits for undead members and their significant others let alone the overtime which is going to be necessary from live workers to cover their hours.


I have only been at this job for one month and I have one month to go. Hopefully the Zombies will not arrive until I have managed to squeeze out all the knowledge I need from my current position.  I’m sure your job is teaching you some survival skills. Sometimes I blow things out of proportion. It may be that most of the Zombies will be totally preoccupied by texting and binging on seasons of Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones. Keep the faith and toil on.



Don't forget to wear your safety gear!

Don’t forget to wear your safety gear!


About polarflares

My head is so big because it has so many holes and air gets in.

One response »

  1. Thanks for such practical advice. I feel ready for Zombie apocalypseseses now!


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