1. Wear shorts this summer!
Stop worrying about how you look and what the dress code is. There are amputees out there in shorts. Don’t go telling me they’re lucky because they don’t have your ugly legs. I won’t go as far as saying you have to wear a bikini, speedo, micro-mini or short shorts. Just take the challenge to let those legs breathe, varicose veins, sun starved, rashy, hirsute whatever. I have a rosy red birthmark in the shape of a human hand on the rear of my thigh. You can imagine the comments I get. Since I have grey hair I no longer get asked if I knew I was bleeding. Remember when shorts weren’t allowed in school so we couldn’t wait for summer to start? Shorts mean fun. My mother always said, no one can really get a look at you on a moving horse. Don’t just lie outside, get a move on. For those of you with doubts, just try running out to get the mail in your shorts. I do it in Alaska, even in the winter.
2. Eat something bad for you everyday.
Not arsenic, but give your healthy diet and the rest of us a break. Do you really want to be the last one standing? When I obsess about food, my figure, my health or try to change the eating habits of others, I’m just advertising my anxiety. Eating healthy also means enjoyment and flexibility. You may be allergic to gluten or a carbo-holic but you might enjoy a treat of some sort now and again. Please make enough for everyone else while you’re at it.
Sooner or later someone will feed you something with gluten, meat or sugar inadvertently and you can thank them for reminding you that you are human but not made of glass. Yes, you could die from peanut butter or clams or leftover souffle but hypervigilence is also toxic. I should know. I went to Walmart and bought some kale today. The checker had no idea what it was. Meanwhile, at the other check stand a 7 year old was enjoying a fried chicken leg and Mountain Dew because he couldn’t hold out until they paid. Is that my business? No. Neither is the emaciated man who I saw walking into the health store parking lot earlier. Was he alive because of his health food or dying from it? No clue.
I would rather be the chicken boy. He looked happy. My mother followed every health trend she could find – no butter, then no margarine, water to drink, no coffee, alcohol or cigarettes, restricted meat, raw veggies, jogging, swimming. She died in middle age. It must have been the chocolate and ice cream. Just saying, at least she had some fun.
3. Throw some money away.
Down the toliet, into the hands of someone you don’t know or trust, or just drop it in the street. I was in a bank today and another customer told me that we don’t get interest on savings accounts anymore because money isn’t really worth much. Let’s celebrate. Maybe it’s time to investigate the power of barter? I just visited a friend who told me that her son had conducted a brilliant experiment in college. He dropped money and had an observer tally the reactions. More people returned it than he thought would. Think how good this would make you feel. Yesterday a man called to me, ” You dropped your pocket”. I was carrying a purse so I thought perhaps he meant my “pocketbook” was open. He was just trying to make me laugh.
4. Be real bad at some form of art
Enjoy your bad ass attempts. Sign your paintings Madonna or Justin Timberlake. See if you can get a group of friends to have an bad art show and donate the money to the charity of your choice or just buy or trade each other’s work and have a big party!
5. Rejoice in your errors!
I let a cart run into a motor coach the other day. I also misrouted Mr. John Smith’s luggage to another Mr. John Smith. I said something stupid on Facebook to someone I didn’t even know. This is progress for me. I’m used to alienating people with my anxiety to get everything right and please the world. People like me better when I’m human.