I’m grateful that there is a slight distance between my brain and my mouth. It keeps the anxiety and paranoia on a non-verbal level. You can marvel at my jerky, driven, gesticulations, inability to slow down, my crazy outfits and strange hobbies but those do not a diagnosis make. I am just one of those people who can’t keep it in, the inner crazy. It hurts too much, like gas. Are there still people who don’t expel gas due to fear of being rude? Sure it stinks, but it’s not like you do it on purpose like telling racist jokes or budging in line. That’s what it’s like being human. It takes so much energy dealing with my subconscious which wants to connect every comment with death, or popular culture that I have less time to get on your case. Some might call these impulses “loose connections”. It makes me laugh that I can be so loose in some ways and yet so uptight in others.
One boss thought I had social anxiety. WRONG! That’s one thing I don’t have. I feel most at home on the stage improvising or at a party where I take on the challenge of talking to as many people I don’t know as possible. I like crazy and like to find that in other humans. It’s always there but many people put so much effort into hiding it. Then they have to drink to let it out!
Halloween is so excellent for showing your true self. I marvel at the choices people make. It’s pretty banal to let people know you’re thinking about sex by showing off your breast or your butt. By wearing the convict outfit we know that you haven’t gotten a felony DUI yet and also that you don’t realize that several people at the party you are attending have. When you dress as Sarah Palin, I resist telling you how much you really are like her even though you are a Democrat.
I really like costumes that are homemade and not too elaborate. That’s how I like to have my fun.I felt a bit blue today so I went to Dooley’s, the local Anchorage costume shop and bought some red boots like Shazzam would wear. I will wear them on odd occasions, Christmas for sure! I live in Alaska, I can justify more than one pair of boots especially when they aren’t suede but leather- look plastic and in a convenient size 8-9 men’s. They probably won’t go with my thermal mermaid tail I got at a yard sale. I love mermaids but I would prefer to be a mermaid on the Fourth of July or just walking down in the winter instead of one of those quilted midi skirts all the ladies my age wear. They come in dark colors. Yuck!
I guess I could wear my new boots with my girl’s size Walmart Wonderwoman shirt and some kind of skirt but once again, I would rather wear that outfit on a regular basis. So I don’t know how to deal with this Halloween. But no worries, given that I have no fear about expressing my inner crazy to the world. I have so far avoided breaking the agreed upon rules of hurting myself and others in a recognizable manner. Also my room smells like farts.