I spent a hundred dollars last month on a DNA test from Ancestry.com. I am a fool. That’s not what the results said, but that’s what I learned. I know who my parents are, that they didn’t fool around. I know who I am. I’m Irish American. All, that’s all my ancestors, came from near Cork, Ireland. But… See I got it in my head that I’m a Viking. Maybe it was the television series, maybe because I visited Iceland and thought I fit in, visually at least. In Ireland, they didn’t know what to think. They thought I was Irish as long as I was sitting down but the minute I stood up they got all German on me. Same thing when I visited France. Tall = Achtung!!
The Vikings were big in Ireland so I figured that might be why I was so imposing. I also am a bit mad but perhaps in hindsight my madness is more verbose than Viking.
Anyway I was sure that my Ancestry was going to come up part Scandinavian. Wrong. It said I’m Irish. 100% Irish. From near Cork, Ireland. Wow. At least they got the right spit! So the good thing is that I don’t drink as much as the people in Reykjavik but I’m probably funnier. Even the other people with my last name didn’t come out 100 percent Irish. Being 100 proof I understand why I’m a bit fiery,
Unfortunately, I’m frightfully out of vogue. The new world belongs to the hybrids, people with the best of all worlds. I fit stereotypes I didn’t even know existed. I not only have freckles and large legs, I also hold some outdated superstitions. For instance you will NEVER see me walk under a ladder. I don’t walk under anything that I could hit my head on. I also avoid black cats and breaking mirrors. Doesn’t everyone?
Forget the DNA. This is what truly convinced me that I must accept the fact that I’m 100% Irish.
Here’s a list of random Irish superstitions from http://www.the-irish-path.com/irish-superstitions.html
I could not leave these superstitions alone and had to get the last word. (My comments are in the bold italics)
Miscellaneous Irish Superstitions
It is not safe to pick up an unbaptized child without making the sign of the cross. (This makes it more likely that you will drop a pagan baby)
It is unlucky to accept a lock of hair from a lover. (They will go bald faster, especially if you are anxious, lose the hair and keep asking for more)
If a chair falls when a person stands up, it is an unlucky omen. ( Especially if they kicked it over and are holding a gun)
If you possess a four-leaf shamrock you will have good luck in gambling, good luck in racing, and witchcraft will have no power over you. But, you must always carry it on you. You cannot give it away. You cannot show it to anyone. ( It does not count if it came from a cereal box)
If chased at night by a ghost or an evil spirit, try to get to a stream of running water. If you can cross it no devil or evil spirit will be able to follow. (This didn’t exactly work for the lady in Psycho)
Do not turn off a light while people are at supper. If you do there will be one less at the table before the year is out. (They will blindly choke on their food)
If you want a person to win at cards, put a crooked pin in his coat. ( The tiny magnets you have implanted in certain cards will react nicely when he holds them close to his collar)
If the palm of your hand itches you will be coming into money. If it’s your elbow you will be changing beds. If your ear itches and it is red and hot, someone is speaking bad of you. (Most Irish people I know have very bad skin, perhaps we should duct tape our mouths)
If you want to know the name of the person you are to marry, put a snail on a plate sprinkled with flour. Cover the plate and leave it overnight. In the morning the initial of the person will be on the plate, traced by the snail. ( My snail died)
Sticking a penknife into the mast of a boat while under sail is considered unlucky. ( Sticking an axe multiple times into the mast is considered even more unlucky)
It’s unlucky to have a hare cross your path before sunrise.( Which is why I get up a hair later than everyone else)
To take away lighted sod from a house on May days or churning days is unlucky. To do so takes away the blessing of the house. ( I’m always churning over something so I’ll keep me sod to meself)
When I tried to look up Viking superstitions, I couldn’t find any. They’re not afraid. Of anything.
I, on the other hand, am Irish.