Yes, I’m the Donner Party, what’s left of us. A couple of us died and the others were too eaten up to come.
Although I am not a true descendent of the surviving party goers I believe I share their tendency towards desperation and anxiety. I’m glad my family name is not a joke, although being a comedian of sorts, that might be helpful. Perhaps the real Donner Descendants have changed their names to Donnette or Donut, something less anxiety producing.
I bet that I’m not the only one who thinks about The Donners this time of year. Okay, maybe I’m the only one who consciously thinks about them. The rest of you are channeling their angst subconsciously. The first snow fell in downtown Anchorage on Monday. Although the snow didn’t stick, the load on the Chugach range, pictured above, grew enormously. Upon seeing this, my first thought is of The Donners breaking a sweat running towards the nearest pass, hoping the snow wasn’t knee deep yet.
I’ve heard many folks in Anchorage say they aren’t ready for winter. Instead of rushing over a pass to an uncertain fate they turn instead to Costco for their winter pile-up of food. There’s nothing that says I love you and will not eat you this winter like a freezer full of entrees.
I used the bulk of my purchasing power to get my car ready for winter. Most of the work should have been done this summer but I also had them put on one of those plug in heaters that will thaw out the oil before I start it. It’s even supposed to be good for the environment because I won’t have to run the car so long to warm it up. I guess they don’t count how we produce the electricity used to warm it up. If we have a big winter disaster none of this will matter. I could buy lots of powdered mashed potatoes and mix them with snow if there was an earthquake. There will be no fuel for my car and no where really to drive. Alaska is just a bad place to be come a winter emergency, I’m sure the Donners would agree.
I have invested in a small roll of fat and some silky cellulite in order to stay alive a little longer should we lose power. I also bought a physical book, Seven Novels by Jules Verne in case I can’t charge my Kindle. Contrary to popular belief, we do have at least 5 hours of light each winter day by which to read. I meant to send said book to my sister Beth in Paris as a birthday gift but the post office, in their efforts not to become more competitive, have raised the international flat rate to $60.00 for a medium package. I’m sure they won’t lose electricity in France so she can read these same novels on Project Guttenberg.
I wonder why Woody Allen got so many nice women to love him when he is so annoyingly anxious? Oh, I forgot he’s rich and clever. Perhaps I could start a dating service just for anxious people called Uneasy Unmarrieds or Fretting Fish who are not sure there are Plenty out there for them. Some people have even been known to rush into a relationship to keep them warm and wanted in the winter only to dump them in the spring when they become unnecessary. These people would be called men. Ah, but I digress.
I am committed to not spending so much time this year thinking about what will happen to me come a winter disaster as in will I starve and get eaten or will I just freeze or get shot and made into sausage like the caribou I ate yesterday. Life is short, winter is long. I am tall and my anxiety is overwhelming. I hope that being a less wealthy, more attractive Woody Allen like female is enough to get me through the pass this winter. If it isn’t, please serve me with whipped cream.