RSS Feed

Can I offer a fecal transplant on Ebay?

Is this a strange question, or is this a strange world? I could never donate eggs to the human gene pool.  I’m a bit skeptical about the consequences of donating my intestinal bacteria. I’ve always been thin so I’m pretty sure you’ll receive the benefit that the New York Times has recently claimed, eternal thinness. Check out this link if you doubt my assertion.

Gut bacteria from thin humans can slim mice downNYT

But what else will you get besides my skinny silhouette? Perhaps you will be compelled to run around in circles and never  sit down until  you’re about to faint. Maybe you will develop a compulsion to eat far too much fruit and expel gas ad-nausea. You could develop a hatred of celery or even of mankind. But I know that some of you would risk all of that to be slim.  It won’t get you anywhere, you know. I can wear all the nice clothes I want but I still can’t get a date. All I have to do is open my mouth and I wear thin the patience of most people with my anxiety-speak.

Anxiety-speak is a term I use for my interrupting  cow like demeanor, my constant addition of possibilities for failures and insertions of stories about myself which make sure that you carry images of me in your deepest subconscious until you die. ” I’m smart. I’m funny. Don’t toss me off the lifeboat yet. I could be eaten for a snack,” I scream, with a self-deprecating look.  If you inherit this characteristic from my fecal bacteria then you might as well gorge yourself on peppermint brownies as I did tonight because no one really likes anxious people.

It has been pointed out that people start to resemble the folks they hang out with. One can gain weight if their spouse does or become more basset hound-ish like their dog or hairy like their cat.  You could become more anxious if you hang around my bacteria.

Then there’s the whole E-Bay experience. The world’s largest marketplace has many aisles. Where would my gut be? Under “Health and Beauty”, ” Tickets and Experiences”?, “Adult only?”  Most likely I would be found under “Speciality Services,” along with the Haitian Voodoo spells, Bitcoins, and Ab Cuts Midsection formula.

ImageAt first I thought this was a spray, too bad! Maybe it has fecal bacteria in it as well!

There is a Weight Management aisle but it’s fairly mainstream and I think my fecal material would fit in better with the Ouiji Board consult and the used Victoria Secrets bra.

I suppose there is still some squeamishness around fecal transplants but that will dissipate as did the disgust around anal massage and butt lifts. Do yourself a favor and lose weight the natural way – with my fecal matter.

* No guarantee of weight loss is implied by this posting and don’t go stealing my stuff from the toliet!


About polarflares

My head is so big because it has so many holes and air gets in.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: