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Star Trek over lightly

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Into Darkness - An Enterprise in Risk Management

Into Darkness – An Enterprise in Risk Management

The new film “Star Trek Into Darkness” did not go far enough. They settled for places we’ve all been before.  I’ve come up with a few tweaks that could remedy a film which was more of a laxative than an adventure.

1. It’s not sexy enough to have Kirk in bed with one woman, so you add another. I would have been more impressed if Sulu popped out from under the covers as well.

2.  Dr. McCoy looks like the only person in the film who eats meat. Mssrs. Quinto and Pine may need some of those low -T pills I keep hearing so much about.

3. As in 3-D. I know it was there because when I took off the glasses I couldn’t see. But why did Enterprise kept zooming away, not towards me? Please see the 80’s film “Comin’ at ya” for the proper use of 3 dimensions in cinema.

4. Death scene. What happened to disfiguring radiation poisoning where people’s skin gets all gross? It would have been far more dramatic to have Kirk come back pockmarked and continue that way in the alternative universe for films to come. William Shatner was pretty but he wore a girdle!

5. Khan? Really? Why didn’t you just call the villian Snape and capitalize on a different dynasty? Was it too soon to call him Thatcher? Mr. Cumberbatch is such a great actor that his combination of Kirkiness and Spocktricity  outshine the two playing the parts. And have you heard his Alan Rickman imitation?

6. Scotty’s sidekick “Keenser” needs to stop being a wingman and get some action for himself. Perhaps a little lady or Kirk? He is afterall the cutest thing in the show.

7. A dead tribble is troubling, a sad statement on the creative fertility of this series. Instead of using Khan’s blood to re-vivify Kirk, why not use the tribble/Khan blood and  Mr. Pine could be reborn pregnant.

8. The use of Spock prime was too great in the last movie and too little in this one.  Maybe a dance number or dream sequence with Kirk prime for the next one? Is that too much to ask?

9. Did Kirk really say, “Take those red shirts off, do you want to get yourselves killed?” Or is that something I just think he should have said?

10. Renew the dream. Just watch this risky performance by William Shatner and stay faithful to the vision that once was STAR TREK!

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About polarflares

My head is so big because it has so many holes and air gets in.

2 responses »

  1. Awesome review! I love your blog, it keeps me laughing! 🙂 I agree, we need KirkPrime back and some Admiral PikePrime-type radiation burns to make things a little more real. What did you think of all the “man tears”?

    Reply
    • In acting they tell you to hold it back and let people imagine the struggle. But perhaps the director thought we needed to be hit with a phaser. How much does Shatner want to be in the film? I bet he would be willing to do it for less money than they think! I’ll make a tee shirt that says “Kirk Prime next time!”

      Reply

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