Hi, His holiness here. I’ve been wearing a Tommy Bahama shirt and shorts under my cassock this week. I’m so stoked to be out of the Vatican. My retirement as the leader of The Holy Roman Apostolic Church doesn’t seem to have a downside, so that’s cool. Some of you have guessed that I wasn’t really old enough for retirement, that I’ve been pushed out, but no worries. I’ve been down before and I land on my feet. Wait ‘til you see me on the special two part Undercover Boss due to air the first week in March.
My decision to go undercover at The Vatican was made in good faith. I’m a performer at heart. I like a good costume. I enjoy a well- tuned harpsichord. I’ve played a fascist, and a fashionista. I’m not God. God is a crazy S.O.B. and I’m dead tired of people blaming me for his mistakes. So I dyed my hair brown, got a bowl cut, shaved a hole in the middle and wore a Franciscan outfit so I could pose as a brother doing an internship at The Prefecture of The Papal Household, The Vatican Library and my favorite – as a tailor for The Pontifical Swiss Guard. Little did I know that what I’d learn would have me running right out of The Holy See.
I was so impressed with how my supervisor Francis at The Prefecture speedily booked audiences for visitors from around the world. I kept stumbling through the app which let you see the pontiff’s schedule, putting us behind in terms of productivity. Then I managed to put heads of state from Korea and Japan back to back. Francis’ tonsure turned red but he took a prayer break and corrected the problem. He was a forgiving man. He had to be, this was his 25th assignment in 25 years. We kept moving him to somewhere where he would be absolutely safe from harming himself and small children. I surely could do something to fix this problem when I got back.
At the library, I heard some great marketing ideas for The Incunabula from Father Ralph. Incunabula boxers, Incunabula iphone covers, even Incunabula bouillon for a quick lunch on the go. The Swiss Guard gig was definitely a highlight. Swaths of red, yellow, blue and a gorgeous pattern to work with, let alone a lovely bunch of guys. I sewed some of the bloomers too tight which led to some embarrassing wardrobe malfunctions. These showed up on YouTube, but luckily it was the same week the handicapped piglet got his training wheels so we went under the radar. I also discovered that every soldier has a Swiss bank account. Many of them were married as well. Here I must apologize to the many Catholic women I have offended with my position on contraception. I simply did not know how babies were made. I do know how to make baby Swiss Guard outfits now, which are available at the Vatican store.
I won’t let loose any spoilers about how I got to be the one being canned but let’s just say that after yesterday’s audience, when photos of me with Justin B. in our Swiss Army uniforms hit the streets, I knew my days were numbered. I was just too cool to be pope.
I don’t give a Peter’s pence for what anyone else thinks. I’m letting loose this Lent. The miraculous is everywhere. I need…, no I have the right to be unlimited. Text me.