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The best commercials on TV

I feel bad for those of you who cut the commercials from your televised entertainment. Perhaps I just see the best of the best because I live in Alaska where the broadcasting standards are particularly high. You be the judge.

ConocoPhillips gets my nomination for the  least condescending commercial of the year. Check it out.

This speaks to me in a heartfelt way. Alaska’s oil workers are better than me. They work long hours and some of them are outside in the cold. When I’m outside in the cold no one pays me so they must be pretty smart. I bet they’re so tough I would hate to argue with them. They talk like cowboys and they might have guns and hurt me.  If I fail to believe in oil, I let them down, I let down my state, my country, the troops! I’m living off their labor. I should be ashamed to ride the bus when I could be consuming more oil. Very effective.

I would also like to express my gratitude to The Pebble Partnership for their success in linking cuteness to mining. With a cute little sound that might make a baby laugh and the first two letters of the word cute popping up in the funniest places, they had me at hello.

Note the pleasant family who live very far away from the mine and eat plenty of fresh unpoisoned salmon. I love how the entire green energy field is dependant on a one gargantuan mine which is named after a tiny rock which is responsible for the gurgling of streams. Then there’s the best tag line in the world, the one my neighbor has on his car. “If it’s not grown, it’s mined!” We all know that theatre and song is mined. Sex could not take place without copper. Fish, wildfowl, deer, and bears would like to think that we didn’t grow them so they must be mined.The strength/incidence of Hurricanes & tornados may have grown recently but we could attribute that to the use of coal and petroleum which has been mined.

Here’s a national commercial I’ve been privilged to enjoy.

Songwriting is so hard. I’m so sad that Gwen can’t sleep on the bus anymore. Could it be that her outfits are too uncomfortable? I’m glad she loves songwriting. I can’t imagine anyone else would like to do that for a living. Perhaps she should try working for ConocoPhillips? I don’t really know any of her songs but she sure looks just like Madonna before she had so much work done.

One more phone commercial before I go. Yes it’s the one with the little boy who can wave his head and his arm at the same time. I know, the one with the grandmother with a cheetah on her back is probably more entertaining but the message here is equally profound. Sure, old and slow is bad. If those old, slow people would just walk off into the wilderness to die and give their jobs to the young fast people America would still be on top of the food chain, or at least the mining chain. That’s such an easy sell, but the idea that doing two things at once is best, what a concept!

Texting and driving? Cool! Texting one lover while being intimate with another? Awesome!
Performing a colonoscopy while playing Angry Birds? That’s the doctor I want!


About polarflares

My head is so big because it has so many holes and air gets in.

4 responses »

  1. Are all those things more likey to go away if I don’t watch, or will watching sate them so we can move on?

  2. I’ve been hating that AT& T commercial ever since I saw it last week. BTW, it seems that each commercial has a follow-up right after it (maybe more than one?). The one for the Windows phone is awful. But the Conoco Phillips takes the cake — “We’re going to get down to it, and save your sorry asses from abject poverty!”

    • They think we’re stupid up here. Some of these commercials wouldn’t fly well in NYC where driving a taxi cab is probably just as dangerous as working on the North Slope. Then again many states in the lower 48 have embraced fracking before us. We might not be as dumb as they think.


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