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Why you should not watch Downton Abbey

Before The Marlboro Man, there was Thomas.

Before The Marlboro Man, there was Thomas.

  1.  The influenza epidemic of 1919 killed so many people. Watch this and you will lose your life, one hour at a time.
  2.  All the gorgeous dresses you thought you would never get to wear are now available at JCPenney. They watch it too. You will be horribly disappointed by the feel of them though you may enjoy the prices.
  3.  You will wonder why the ladies look even thinner without their corsets.  This will drive you mad.
  4. You will begin to see Thomas everywhere – in your co-workers and people you do business with. You will begin to take smoke breaks with them.
  5. You will find yourself measuring table settings with an app that isn’t even free.
  6. You will talk to yourself in a different voice while making your bed and dressing.  It will have a condescending tone.
  7. You will name your condo, apartment or bedroom in accordance with its ancient location and purpose. My apartment is The Spenard farm sell-out duplex. I sleep in The Sexless room.
  8. You must name someone in your family to be The Dowager. It’s okay if this person wasn’t widowed as long as they got some money from their husband and he can’t get it back.
  9. You will wonder why some people can change with the times and some cannot. This thought will come to you when the season has ended and you don’t know what to do with your life.
  10. You will regret that none of the cooks you have employed are as lively as Mrs. Patmore. Marie Callender, Mrs. Fields, even Paul Newman look stuffy in comparison.
  11. You’ll  obsess over which sister you are most like until you realize you’re just the butler at Crowley House.
  12.  You’ll wonder each time you have sex if you’ll die and be dragged off into another room for propriety’s sake or if you’ll be the one doing the dragging.
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About polarflares

My head is so big because it has so many holes and air gets in.

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