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New policy of absolute transparency transforms Alaska Airlines

All attendants please note the following changes in our pre-flight, in-flight and arrival announcements.

Alaska Airlines new Truth in Boarding updates:

“Welcome to Alaska airlines. Please make yourselves familiar with the exit nearest you. At this time, we ask that you greet the person seated next to you as in the event  we can’t land in Juneau, you will be sharing a bunk with them this evening  at the hostel in Ketchikan .”

“Please note, your seat cushions may be used as flotation devices guaranteed to function for the 3 minutes it will take for you to freeze without a survival suit in The Beaufort Sea.”

“The inflatable slide may be used as sledding device should we crash in the  scenic Alaska range.”

“Aloha and welcome to Alaska airline’s seasonal direct flight service from Anchorage to Honolulu. We hope you noticed the updated version of the familiar Inupiat Eskimo on the tail of our plane. His head is severed and dripping blood in order to remind you to heed the fasten seat belt signs.”

In-flight transparency announcements :

“To our frequent flyers, you may have noticed with our new mileage reward system there is  absolutely no way possible to collect enough miles to get out of Alaska. Happy hunting.”

” Observant passengers may have noticed that we have removed the prayer cards which used to accompany our meal service.  A focus group of savvy travelers informed our decision to do so. They noticed that these cards made the decreased food portions look even smaller. Also if a plane is about to crash there is no amount of prayer that will save you and there is no God.”

“We are currently flying over our final destination of Juneau, Alaska which we will return to tomorrow morning at 5 am in order to check the weather and the possibility  of actually landing. If you feel pain in your joints  during heavy rain or the presence of a low pressure system please let an attendant know as our pilot scrupulously obeys the rule of turning off electrical devices at this altitude. Please enjoy our alternative destination of Seatac airport in industrial Tacoma, Washington.”

“This is the pilot speaking. We’re expecting some turbulence ahead. If anyone screams like a little girl there will be no beverage service for you.”

“Please be informed that our flight attendants no longer accept cash and will only be accepting credit cards for purchases made on Alaska Airlines.  This will be a relief to all you passengers who never received your change.”

Honest Arrival announcement changes:

“Welcome to Juneau, Alaska. We would like to let you know how lucky you are that we landed today. This is our 4th try in 3 days.  Please check online before proceeding to the airport for your return trip to Anchorage.  Also pick up extra underwear and socks  as the odds are you won’t be so lucky next time.”

“Welcome to Anchorage. As always, you can pick up your luggage in 48 hours at the lost luggage counter next to Baggage claim 3.Thank you for flying Alaska Airlines.”

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About polarflares

My head is so big because it has so many holes and air gets in.

4 responses »

  1. Please, don’t sugar-coat it for us!

    Reply
  2. I fly into Alaska a couple of times a year and there is some truth to these.

    Reply

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