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The evil, feeble marshmallow test

If you haven’t read about in Reader’s Digest, your lame psychology text or seen the video on YouTube, let me sum it up for you. It sucks. They give a kid a marshmallow and tell them if they don’t eat it they’ll get another one. This is supposed to prove something about delayed gratification. Children who ate the initial marshmallow should do less well at school and in the world than the others who wait for the second treat.

My reaction to most statistics gained by the manipulation of one human by another is NO! Consider some of the things the Stanford Marshmallow Experimenters censored from their video and from  their statistics in order to keep their results untarnished:

The enterprising youngster who had a shiv in her sock and stuck an unlucky grad student to rob him of his stash.

The starving child from an impoverished family who licked the marshmallow until he became ecstatic, and wound up founding a religious order.

The clever child who, outside of camera range, tunneled under the floor, sold his Nikes and bought an entire bag of marshmallows from the nearest grocery.

The youngster who didn’t eat the marshmallow because it wasn’t organic.

The young person who ate the marshmallow then, having either tremendous remorse or an allergic reaction to the thickener tetrasodium pyrophosphate, vomited it up and pasted it together again quite convincingly.

The child who they thought was singing to help tolerate the strain of waiting but who actually saw the camera and thought she had lucked into an audition for America’s Got Talent.

The kid who didn’t eat the marshmallow because he just had a dozen Crispy Creme donuts.

The whippersnapper who told the rest of the kids in the waiting room that the marshmallows were poisoned.

The kiddo who told the experimenter that she was herself a marshmallow and therefore couldn’t eat any because it would be cannibalism.

The  budding barrister who, with his parents, successfully sued the University for pain and suffering using a variation of the Twinkie defense after eating the two marshmallows and going bezerk.

If you have any ideas of how you would react as a child or even an adult faced with the marshmallow test please share in a comment. I would probably impale the original marshmallow on a sharp object then self injure in order to drip blood on it just to see the reaction of the experimenters or perhaps I might have done a little naked dance for the cameras. This may seem a bit twisted but I love attention and will do almost anything to get it. Who cares about marshmallows anyway.



About polarflares

My head is so big because it has so many holes and air gets in.

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