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Awesome April in Anchorage

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Let me preface this post with the acknowledgement that I need a vacation. If you have ever been to Anchorage you know that April is one of the least awesome months of the year. However, with a little creativity and a skewed view on life a 32 ounce bottle of Joy can survive here for about a month.

Someone has been throwing out snow!

No one likes a litter bug. Can you imagine your neighbors emptying 6 months of garbage into the alley behind your house? Well that’s what I found, 6 perfectly formed barrels of snow rotting in the back alley. Now they didn’t smell and they looked curiously like those cheap sleeping bags you can buy at Fred Meyers, but I was taken aback. Most people in Anchorage recycle. I’m sure there are lots of families in 3rd world countries who would have appreciated a barrel of snow.

 Then there are some of our more well-known attractions which have been made more accessible.

Mount McKinley!

This massive Mountain, often called “Denali” or “The Great One” has moved to the end of my street. It is now accessible not just to an international array of extreme climbers but to any 4 year old who has escaped their parental grasp. Please note that several years ago the National Park Service began enforcing a pack your poop rule. Our neighborhood would like you not only to pack your own poop but take some of ours away with you, moose poop, dog poop, people poop – it’s all yours. Get it now while it’s still slightly cold and less stinky. 

New local waterpark – in my driveway!

Bring the kids and their bathing suits. Let them learn a little bit about hypothermia while they’re at it.


Seasonally appropriate religious apparitions!

 Just in time for Holy week! Some people see The Virgin Mary, but I see a crucifix broken into a foot of ice right on the pavement. The city has put a cone to protect it from being desecrated by hoodlums.

For the more depressed traveller…

who might be inclined to want to forget it all and walk off into the sunset forever, we have unsafe bodies of water which look perfectly safe, solid and even well travelled. Of course  if you don’t die, you may be forced to extend your stay by our friendly rescue squad members who will invite you to our newly renovated psychiatric institute with it’s lovely gym and impressive modern art collection.

 Really, I implore you, come to Anchorage. We’re tired of winter and you could help us see it with new eyes. Eyes that haven’t been blinded by the dust from the sanding of the roads which is now whipped in our faces so nature can pay us back for trying to drive fast when we should have just stayed home from work and ate ice cream.


About polarflares

My head is so big because it has so many holes and air gets in.

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