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Over the top depression extravaganza!

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You're never too young to be depressed!

Hey I’m so depressed I believe I have enough to market it worldwide. I know, you’re doubting my sanity, as well you might. I believe America is so into experiencing other peoples’ reality that they might actually buy it.  What if you could be depressed just for a day to see what it was like, or paralyzed for a day? They have this rather silly program where you can put on earphones and play like you have schizophrenia for a day. I say silly because  if all schizophrenia entailed was voices screaming at you then that would make it a bit easier to deal with.  I think it might be more realistic to have everyone smell like dead meat and people constantly touching you in places you didn’t want to be touched. I’m not even sure the taped voices used the highest caliber of swear words.

But getting back to depression, I was just at a party trying to have a good time and it hit me how much effort it is to keep the fox from the eggs. It just sneaks in through a crack like a hungry predator.  Depression is a form of delusional thinking and just like people who think they can win the megabucks,  the larger world has made a mint off of people with delusions. You can sell a poor person a house if they have too much hope. That’s why I stay away from hope on principle.

I think people like Kim Kardashian and the average teenager might want to try depression on for size just to see how it really feels.  How could this be achieved? Well one way would be to zap and neutralize all female hormones for a day. Another could be to hire out people who are truly depressed to hang out with people who want to catch it. Not that it’s like the flu but it does tend to occur in friend and family swarms. I’ve already tried doing the humorous theatre piece on depression. That was fun but what I should have done was just lie down on stage for a week under the covers eating only chocolate donuts with my negative thoughts being broadcast to the street.

Speaking of the average teenager. I was struck the other day by the difference between children at The YMCA and at the private college where I swim. At the Y, kids talk to you like an adult, or they say “excuse me”, they ask you how the water is. In the locker room at the college I am totally invisible as they talk about how fat their teacher is and how when they stay in Mexico and Costa Rica the hotels are like shacks. Now I know I’m depressed, but I felt like going into the bathroom to put on my suit. I never feel like that at The Y.  I heard one girl say quietly, “I’ve never been to Mexico.” The other girls did not seem to hear her but I did. I thought, a contrarian, a candidate for depression. Then they started talking about their teacher eating a stick of butter and I got in the shower so I couldn’t hear them anymore.

I’m not sure how to bottle depression. I used to be able to give blood so I don’t think it’s in the blood because I didn’t get any complaints. The Blood Bank of Alaska does not want my blood now. I don’t think it’s the medication. They told me once I had hepatitis then told me they were mistaken. Then they told me they couldn’t tell me why I couldn’t give blood. That made me a little depressed but not much. I’m not that big a fan of Mother’s cookies.

Have you ever heard of Orgone? It’s not a noodle but  it’s like an energy bar made of air once marketed by a wack-a-doodle guy named Wilhelm Reich. In a nutshell, some pun intended, it’s the energy from an orgasm packaged for your healthful consumption. I think my energy is like anti-orgasmic. Once I had a psychic tell me I had a black aura. I almost clocked her. Maybe Charles Schultz had the best idea by personifying depression as a big round headed boy.

If you have any marketing ideas for depression let me know. I hear that Tide detergent is the new currency for drug dealers. If that’s possible then anything is. Oops, don’t want to sound too hopeful.


About polarflares

My head is so big because it has so many holes and air gets in.

13 responses »

  1. Don’t know what to make of this one. Depression is real and you make it sound like a joke.

    • Robyn, only those who know it get the joke! Some of us need help and we get it through medications which often stop working after a few years, through exercise, through humor and through support groups. What do you use?

  2. IMHO, it is OK for people with depression to joke about it. It’s like it is OK for Jews to make jokes about Jews. Particularly if it is their depression and their blog.

    • Yes, especially when no one really has to read it anyhow, and probably lots better than buying yet another chocolate bar from Modern Dwellers. I had a dream about cursing a friend out the other day probably because I have been cursing everyone out in my head!

  3. but if you sell the depression, would there be any less of it for you? Seems like a form of renewable energy.

    • Yes, the gift that keeps on giving. I believe this is why many writers and comedians don’t want to take meds until they’re like John Belushi or Chris Farley on their deathbed going “oops, I should have had a V8, or some legal form of drug instead!”

    • Sarah, long time no see. We’ll share a piece of depression pie when you next visit.

  4. Polarflares: so far as I can tell, this is one of your BEST POSTS EVER! Will you marry me? We don’t even have to live in the same house. I am not married and I have automatic gold-plated health insurance (plus dental and vision!) for my spouse, if’n I ever git one. Otherwise I am going to have to put an advert in the Times Literary Supplement. (“No sex please: I’m an Anglophile.”) We could even put the whole thing on stage, as you suggest (replete with laugh track): rent out a theater and live on the stage, charge people a buck to come in for ten minutes. Didn’t John and Yoko do that?

    Anyway, if you won’t marry me, will you at least have breakfast or lunch with me so we could talk about depression? Middle Way has half-price breakfasts Mon-Thurs these days, and God knows there is no better place to talk about depression than Middle Way.

    • I always like to talk about depression. As my family will attest to, either that or I like to act depressed and negative. I’m glad you like this post as it is always a bit frightening to put the negativity out there. How early does Middle Way start breakfast?

      • Just saw your message. I think they start at 7:00. (But you are probably swimming and avoiding high school students at that time of day.) The half-price coupons are in the Press every week, and the coupons are good up until 10:00, I think. (There are two other coupons in there for Middle Way: I think one is for baked goods from 3:00 to 6:00. I can’t remember what the other one is for. Must be the depression!)

      • No I am not up swimming at 7 am! I don’t think high school girls get up until 5 minutes before school unless they have to do their hair so I don’t either. I usually get up at 8 am to be at work by 9 am. I think a better place to meet and write is Barnes and Noble after work. You are writing aren’t you?

  5. Hey – I already posted a reply to the Barnes and Noble idea (sorry – “Barnes & Noble TM”), and I guess that one is still being moderated, but I have a better one: not only am I writing, I never stop working, so I can’t go to B & N “after work.” But I can go there and talk while I work. So just call me on that old telephone thingy or whatever it’s called. 244-8713. Doug


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