Hey I’m so depressed I believe I have enough to market it worldwide. I know, you’re doubting my sanity, as well you might. I believe America is so into experiencing other peoples’ reality that they might actually buy it. What if you could be depressed just for a day to see what it was like, or paralyzed for a day? They have this rather silly program where you can put on earphones and play like you have schizophrenia for a day. I say silly because if all schizophrenia entailed was voices screaming at you then that would make it a bit easier to deal with. I think it might be more realistic to have everyone smell like dead meat and people constantly touching you in places you didn’t want to be touched. I’m not even sure the taped voices used the highest caliber of swear words.
But getting back to depression, I was just at a party trying to have a good time and it hit me how much effort it is to keep the fox from the eggs. It just sneaks in through a crack like a hungry predator. Depression is a form of delusional thinking and just like people who think they can win the megabucks, the larger world has made a mint off of people with delusions. You can sell a poor person a house if they have too much hope. That’s why I stay away from hope on principle.
I think people like Kim Kardashian and the average teenager might want to try depression on for size just to see how it really feels. How could this be achieved? Well one way would be to zap and neutralize all female hormones for a day. Another could be to hire out people who are truly depressed to hang out with people who want to catch it. Not that it’s like the flu but it does tend to occur in friend and family swarms. I’ve already tried doing the humorous theatre piece on depression. That was fun but what I should have done was just lie down on stage for a week under the covers eating only chocolate donuts with my negative thoughts being broadcast to the street.
Speaking of the average teenager. I was struck the other day by the difference between children at The YMCA and at the private college where I swim. At the Y, kids talk to you like an adult, or they say “excuse me”, they ask you how the water is. In the locker room at the college I am totally invisible as they talk about how fat their teacher is and how when they stay in Mexico and Costa Rica the hotels are like shacks. Now I know I’m depressed, but I felt like going into the bathroom to put on my suit. I never feel like that at The Y. I heard one girl say quietly, “I’ve never been to Mexico.” The other girls did not seem to hear her but I did. I thought, a contrarian, a candidate for depression. Then they started talking about their teacher eating a stick of butter and I got in the shower so I couldn’t hear them anymore.
I’m not sure how to bottle depression. I used to be able to give blood so I don’t think it’s in the blood because I didn’t get any complaints. The Blood Bank of Alaska does not want my blood now. I don’t think it’s the medication. They told me once I had hepatitis then told me they were mistaken. Then they told me they couldn’t tell me why I couldn’t give blood. That made me a little depressed but not much. I’m not that big a fan of Mother’s cookies.
Have you ever heard of Orgone? It’s not a noodle but it’s like an energy bar made of air once marketed by a wack-a-doodle guy named Wilhelm Reich. In a nutshell, some pun intended, it’s the energy from an orgasm packaged for your healthful consumption. I think my energy is like anti-orgasmic. Once I had a psychic tell me I had a black aura. I almost clocked her. Maybe Charles Schultz had the best idea by personifying depression as a big round headed boy.
If you have any marketing ideas for depression let me know. I hear that Tide detergent is the new currency for drug dealers. If that’s possible then anything is. Oops, don’t want to sound too hopeful.