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Tempting dinner options for the depressed and out of luck

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1. When what you want to have is:

Somebody else’s head on toast

Try :

A Poached egg on buttered raisin toast with avocado, salt and pepper.

I really obsess on people I can’t control. However, I’m not sure I could face their face on a piece of bread .Could you? This alternative is salty and sweet with protein and a healthy vegetable/fruitish thing, what’s not to like ? And so easy to make! I keep bread in the freezer because I’m single, so sad.  Any omelet made with a avocado, spinach and cheese counts. Also no eyeballs involved unless you use those creepy fertilized eggs.

2. When what I want is:

  A bottomless bowl of mini Reese’s cups and malted milk balls.


Do not chew on the tin foil!

 I settle for:

Granola/ berries/ yogurt

It’s still in a bowl, it’s almost ice cream, especially if the berries are frozen. I can even have seconds although I never do.

3. When I wind up:

Eating my fingernails, then begin on my self-esteem and my reason for living

I reach for:

A box of high end macaroni and cheese like Annie’s and throw some broccoli in.

That’s because all those carbs and the salt that comes from pre-packaged food are powerful anti-depressants. Do not mock me. It’s more healthy than a donut, calming and not as loud as breaking glasses.

4. When tempted to:

Down an entire jar of Nutella

I have some:


It’s still a nut paste! Just don’t finish off  the hummus or you will fart all night.

5. When considering:

Eating nothing at all, giving up on food, life


A toasted tuna sandwich. Put it in the frying pan, add cheese for a tuna melt.

It’s warm and if you put tumeric in your tuna you’ll feel like you’re in Berkeley. Also the act of making it, simple as it is, will take your mind off of death for a moment, especially if you burn your hand on the handle of the iron skillet as I frequently do, being to lazy to find the oven mitts. That hurts! Then I realize, death hurts. I really just want a painless life and then the tuna melt starts to smell pretty good. Tuna is high on the smell scale for getting your attention.

6. When what I think I need is:  Kentucky Fried anything

Eat up! That's what we told our slaves...

I make:

Colcannon – mashed potatoes with leeks and cabbage. Just fry up the cabbage and leeks and throw them in the mashed potatoes.

This is the Irish healthy version of Kentucky Fried smashed bowl. A big plop of butter on top is permissible.

7.When the easiest thing for dinner is:

A six pack of Coca-Cola

Invest in:

A Can o’ soup with fresh raw spinach leaves thrown in.

Then I feel less bad about never getting around to using the spinach for salad. You can add crackers. You could even have two cans just remember Coke is like Soylent Green and Soylent Green is people!

8. When wondering: How do people kill themselves if they only have an electric oven?

Don't let the oven scare you!

Switch gears:

Oven bake some potato slices – russet, sweet potato and yam. Slice thin, oil them then sprinkle salt, pepper, garlic

The oven isn’t just for killing anymore.

9. When everything:

Tastes the same, smells the same

Cook up some:

Nifty Orso or Quinoa with half of a small jar of pesto then mix in brocolli from the microwave.

Yes, I’m crazy for brocolli. I bought Orso and Quinoa because I never had them before so at least I wouldn’t be bored. They’re tastier than rice or spaghetti. Of course everything is tasty with store bought pesto! It’s like a hot fudge sundae but not really at all.

10.When you’re thinking about: Hitting someone or something with the frying pan

To throw or to cook, that is the question....

Make a:

Pancake with yogurt and fruit spread on top.

Get something into that frying pan as quickly as possible. You can even put a frowny face on the pancake.Maybe not the healthiest meal but very satisfying to eat. I would have said use maple syrup but can anyone afford that these days? Make the pancake mix yourself and you can have some for breakfast too.


About polarflares

My head is so big because it has so many holes and air gets in.

8 responses »

  1. What do you make when what you really want is a margarita. Or perhaps 4 margaritas?

    • Jerome, I’m fortunate that I only really want a margarita when I’m on vacation but if I really did perhaps I would pick up some ceviche, as it is like a fish margarita but with more protein. You could even eat it with a spoon out of a glass. We are going to have some “Eskimo ice cream” soon at work. It is made with fish, crisco and berries.

      • Oh yes, ceviche is very, very good. Especially when it is made from freshly caught conch, and you are eating it in a village in Belize. Then it is very, very, good! Eskimo ice cream sounds really good, too!

  2. I don’t have nor do I think I would eat some of your alternative foods. When I am down give me my comfort foods and worry about weight which adds to low self esteem later.Fun reading as always though. Thanks,Robin

    • Yes everyone has their own comfort foods, I have had different ones at different times of my life. I used to like tuna noodle casserole, I still do, but not so much as to make it. When depressed I have to make something that doesn’t take much effort and won’t make me feel worse afterwards. Thus no mention of alcohol in my post!

  3. Amen, sister. The gallows humor in this one is awesome. And now your fans know what to get you for your birthday: maple syrup, tuna casserole, or a trip to Belize! I’m making Cream of Wheat right now, but I’m going to put in less butter and less brown sugar than I normally do, because you have inspired me.

  4. Crazy, ironic humor. Thanks for some good laughs.


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