1. When what you want to have is:
Somebody else’s head on toast
A Poached egg on buttered raisin toast with avocado, salt and pepper.
I really obsess on people I can’t control. However, I’m not sure I could face their face on a piece of bread .Could you? This alternative is salty and sweet with protein and a healthy vegetable/fruitish thing, what’s not to like ? And so easy to make! I keep bread in the freezer because I’m single, so sad. Any omelet made with a avocado, spinach and cheese counts. Also no eyeballs involved unless you use those creepy fertilized eggs.
2. When what I want is:
A bottomless bowl of mini Reese’s cups and malted milk balls.
I settle for:
Granola/ berries/ yogurt
It’s still in a bowl, it’s almost ice cream, especially if the berries are frozen. I can even have seconds although I never do.
3. When I wind up:
Eating my fingernails, then begin on my self-esteem and my reason for living
I reach for:
A box of high end macaroni and cheese like Annie’s and throw some broccoli in.
That’s because all those carbs and the salt that comes from pre-packaged food are powerful anti-depressants. Do not mock me. It’s more healthy than a donut, calming and not as loud as breaking glasses.
4. When tempted to:
Down an entire jar of Nutella
I have some:
It’s still a nut paste! Just don’t finish off the hummus or you will fart all night.
5. When considering:
Eating nothing at all, giving up on food, life
A toasted tuna sandwich. Put it in the frying pan, add cheese for a tuna melt.
It’s warm and if you put tumeric in your tuna you’ll feel like you’re in Berkeley. Also the act of making it, simple as it is, will take your mind off of death for a moment, especially if you burn your hand on the handle of the iron skillet as I frequently do, being to lazy to find the oven mitts. That hurts! Then I realize, death hurts. I really just want a painless life and then the tuna melt starts to smell pretty good. Tuna is high on the smell scale for getting your attention.
6. When what I think I need is: Kentucky Fried anything
Colcannon – mashed potatoes with leeks and cabbage. Just fry up the cabbage and leeks and throw them in the mashed potatoes.
This is the Irish healthy version of Kentucky Fried smashed bowl. A big plop of butter on top is permissible.
7.When the easiest thing for dinner is:
A six pack of Coca-Cola
A Can o’ soup with fresh raw spinach leaves thrown in.
Then I feel less bad about never getting around to using the spinach for salad. You can add crackers. You could even have two cans just remember Coke is like Soylent Green and Soylent Green is people!
8. When wondering: How do people kill themselves if they only have an electric oven?
Oven bake some potato slices – russet, sweet potato and yam. Slice thin, oil them then sprinkle salt, pepper, garlic
The oven isn’t just for killing anymore.
9. When everything:
Tastes the same, smells the same
Cook up some:
Nifty Orso or Quinoa with half of a small jar of pesto then mix in brocolli from the microwave.
Yes, I’m crazy for brocolli. I bought Orso and Quinoa because I never had them before so at least I wouldn’t be bored. They’re tastier than rice or spaghetti. Of course everything is tasty with store bought pesto! It’s like a hot fudge sundae but not really at all.
10.When you’re thinking about: Hitting someone or something with the frying pan
Pancake with yogurt and fruit spread on top.
Get something into that frying pan as quickly as possible. You can even put a frowny face on the pancake.Maybe not the healthiest meal but very satisfying to eat. I would have said use maple syrup but can anyone afford that these days? Make the pancake mix yourself and you can have some for breakfast too.