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Tis the season to be Barbie

What the hell kind of party is she off to now?

I would like to wear that, really. But I haven’t been to a drag queen party in awhile. By the way, Barbie is my age.  Her birth year is 1959 and she’s had lots of work done!  By the time I became Barbie conscious I was not given a drag queen Barbie. I got a Midge, a bendable leg one, which we in turn called “bittable leg” because in our high state of anxiety we chewed the legs up like so many pencil erasers. Here she is before she became a chew toy.

Mediocre Midge covering her modest midriff

Somethings you might not know about Midge. She never cried when we bit her legs. You can curl her hair by sticking her in a 350 degree oven for about 10 seconds while your mother isn’t looking. Even though I am 6’1 inches tall, my legs aren’t as long as hers. I have been mistaken for a drag queen, but back to Midge. She turned to heroin later in life to keep her figure and forget about Barbie. I still identify with Midge, not because I like heroin but because I knew I wasn’t going to get to wear those kind of dresses and I actually knew some girls who did have “coming out parties” who weren’t drag queens. As I got older I discovered thrift shops and theatre so I wound up wearing the very same dresses even if I never wore the shoes. The shoes you say? Here are the shoes.

for those perfect tiny feet which never ache

I wear a size 12, sometimes a 12.5 if I’m getting running shoes which need room for my orthotics.  I don’t think orthotics were a Barbie accessory. No Barbie dentures or hearing aids either. I can’t complain because my mother took pride in making knock offs of all of Barbie’s stuff. My favorite was a wedding dress of damask complete with micro-mini seed pearls around the neck. I never got married but at least my Barbie did! Our neighbors had Barbie dream houses but our Barbie had a swimming pool. Here it is.

Barbie's Di-no-mite portable deep dish swimming pool ( must be returned to the kitchen by 5:30 pm)

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that you may think that Barbie is evil. But you never know the excellent adventures that may come from owning one, many of them very subversive.  Here is a photo of a boyfriend I have picked out for Midge. He is a doll from one of my favorite TV shows, (no not Doctor Who), but Firefly.

The Man they call Jayne

Before I leave you here is a site for people who would like to see more beautiful old Barbie pictures including the  carrying cases.

And here is very informative piece on the Aryan origins of Barbie as well as some hilarious footage of the British version of GI Joe. Enjoy!

Entertaining British toy video


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My head is so big because it has so many holes and air gets in.

4 responses »

  1. I really enjoyed reading your post. Oh Barbie, I had serveral back in the day. At the time I never quite understood why her hair never grew back after I chopped the Hell out of it. People told me she was real like.

    • There is an awesome video on youtube you might like, I think it’s called frightening doll commercial. It features beautiful Chrissy with her beautiful hair that grows and grows and her friend Velvet. In the commercial their hair grows because they have real human souls! Creepy. By the way my nails grow like mushrooms even though everything else has slowed down. It’s all that damn calcium i take.

      • I’m almost positive my sister had a Midge. I was fascinated by the legs and arms, which I never chewed and never abused, but which somehow deteriorated when it was in my sister’s custody. Or perhaps our dog’s.

        I’m not sure I would have recognized Jayne without your having identified him, though I see the resemblance now. Where on Earth did you find him?

      • Midges and dogs, they keep company,. She is just the right size for a certain kind of mouth and tooth structure, somewhat like mine but perhaps a bit more persistent and playful. Jayne I found on a site where this person sells jewelry, necklaces, keychains, charms of characters from popular culture. I think she had several of the doctor who characters and firefly ones. If I find it again I’ll send it to you.

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