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Inviting solutions

My life before I committed to recovery

I have long term issues with depression. They are not disabling in that I can work, I have friends and a life but sometimes it all means nothing. This post is a warm up for mental health blog day which is coming up very soon. I have found it important to be honest about my depression and anxiety because I am at different points on the mental health spectrum throughout my life and have observed that others are as well. There is a lot of pretending going on and I suppose that is part of survival but it is not part of my recovery.

I slip and slide regularly between states of anxious tension and giving up. I have a reputation for intensity, for quick cutting remarks, a history of  hurting other children. These could be seen as maladaptive personality traits but the difference is that I did not want to be like this. I sought help because I was miserable and have found several solutions to the irritability and stuckness which has given me hope if not a cure.

1. Patience. There may not be a cure to cancer, schizophrenia or depression and indeed your life is your own to take but  there may be a good moment around the corner of existence. My life has been long, but not in terms of the length of human civilization. I can learn very little from 10 years of pain. I am not a patient person. I race my own shadow, eat Nutella out of a jar and interrupt conversations constantly. We aren’t all born to be Nelson Mandela but dealing with an illness involves choices around growing through the cracks. I don’t judge those who chose to end their lives. Resiliency, like grace, can’t be taught but it is something that appears without bidding and I don’t want to miss it.

2. Follow a program. Even though many people are not extroverts like I am, it’s unbelievably helpful to have a support group in which you can help others and others can help you. Go to meetings and keep up connections weekly if possible.When you or others get sick, this is a life insurance policy.

3. Use what you’ve got. I stare at all the blocked doors and sometimes miss the opportunities to be part of life. I have had a reputation for being negative, for being too falsely positive in reaction to that and one of disappearing into nothingness. I have challenged the internal message that I  get easily emotionally overwhelmed  by experimenting with my limits. I’ve learned that I frequently feel trapped but that doesn’t mean I never go places I have hesitations about. I try new things because I’m sure I’m going to fail and sometimes I prove myself wrong. I know it’s hard to do this when there’s not enough energy to move a pin but I have also learned that I have to weigh the benefits of staying in and going out and doing. Balance is good. Find your own.







About polarflares

My head is so big because it has so many holes and air gets in.

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