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The return of the chamberpot

Goodbye summer!

Labor day, what a waste, unless you drink. If I were a “laborer” I might appreciate it but I work in an office. It’s a sad excuse to say goodbye to summer in a state where it’s already too cold for outdoor sex. Well, maybe not for everyone, since outdoor urination is quite common. Come visit Alaska, the biggest state for outdoor urination and defecation!

Labor day makes me want to turn on the heat. I refuse to because of the sadness of it all. I have a light on in the kitchen which I’m going to get up and turn off right now for the same reason. I can’t  admit that summer has aged out. I pulled a space heater out of the basement yesterday because my hands were freezing and I refuse to wear gloves in the house. I struggle with my rule not to watch videos before  7 pm, something I got from my mother who would not let us turn on the  television until 7 pm. Come to think of it, she also tried to hang clothes out on the line and keep the heat off until Thanksgiving. That was in New England, land of the Puritans. They thought they were tough, but they hadn’t been to Alaska. I’m going to compromise by keep the heat off until at least the first frost. But back to poop.

Many of you live in homes with multiple bathrooms or with intimate others with  whom you may be able to barge in on when you experience “bowel urgency.” My sister intimated today that my toliet issues are a matter of impulsiveness which is more of a choice than an imperative. I disagree.  Now I won’t go into details but I believe that a chamber pot could be considered an inexpensive trendy alternative to soiling oneself when living in a one bathroom house with roommates.  I’m sure there are some of you who grew up in large families who had to bust in on your brothers and sisters in the loo. I enjoy my roommates and we have certainly shared some intimate smells and sounds but we have not yet reached the defecation while you are taking a shower stage.

The chamberpot is a nifty  gift idea for people in communal living arrangements. It can double as a morning after I tied one on pot or intestinal flu basin. It makes a great topic of conversation with new lovers as they enter your bedchamber. Encourage them to try it out! I can imagine painting the great state of Alaska on the lid and maybe inserting a computer chip which sings The Alaska Flag song as you fill  so folks don’t have to hear your bodily functions.  Of course you can use a recycled container as some people I know have and just throw the whole thing in the trash, writing paper and all. This is a secure method in the winter months as everything freezes quite nicely. Before the frost I do worry  about the trash collectors being sprayed with fecal matter but that’s why they have those nifty lifts now so no one has to actually dump the barrel, besides saving their backs of course.

Perhaps I’m stuck on this topic because it’s a metaphor for hiding all which is improper and unclean like the vibrator at the bedside, the used maxi-pads, the mental illness and submerged racism which trigger all American premature intimacy/abandonment/shame issues. Everything goes when there is money involved like pornography or Madonna but there are limits for most of us living in the real world.  In Japan some folks are making a mint on toliets which have tons of computer options (including the one for making a loud noise when you’re farting or pooping too loudly).  I’m thinking these would be a lovely place to practice for one’s next mental breakdown.

Perhaps you think this slight essay frivolous or irrevelant but consider that in some third world countries there ‘s a term “flying toliet” which refers to depositing waste in one of our ubiquitous plastic bags and throwing it as far away as possible (Wikepedia).  It gives a whole new urgency to the phase Gare de l’eau or “Gardez loo.”

Not to dump too much on you today, it is a day of sale-a-bration.  Summer is in the toliet, but life and bodily functions go on.


About polarflares

My head is so big because it has so many holes and air gets in.

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