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Loneliness of the long distance blogger

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I have been awakened to the realities of blogging.I will never get William Shatner to star in a TV show based on my blog, and even if I did, it might be cancelled in less than a full season. I know that you knew this beforehand but I had to learn it by crippling my hand with repetitive stress, and losing touch with the smelly, messy squalor of humanity by choosing a slightly greasy smudged keyboard for my best friend.

It’s not that nobody reads my blog, but I read it more than anyone else. It’s not that I’m not grateful to my relatives and facebook friends who sludge through my loopy prose but why? Why do you bother reading and why do I bother writing? I have learned some  difficult lessons in my short time here which is not quite as short as the time I spent in L.A. thinking I would be a movie star. The finale of that particular episode of my life was being told that because of my crooked teeth I could only be considered for casting as “an alien creature.” That did not scare me off of acting in general but even after I got my teeth   “fixed”, (made sterile like a dog or cat), I had to admit defeat in the area of star material.

Perfect teeth do not a marketable commodity make, nor does perfect prose. What creates success is loving what you do and bringing one’s whole self to the act. But enough about art, let me share my pitiful blogging epiphanies.

1.  Many hits arise from using silly photos such as the following:or this:

If I include a photo of a silly pet or crazy outfit then other bloggers who have similar ideas search my site to copy the photo on theirs. I should know as I snatched the photos from other blogs. Some snatchers read my blog, some don’t. These are hits which I originally thought were people who were piqued by my wacky take on life.  They are, alas, other lonely bloggers who are desperate for fuel to feed their fire.

2. When I go shopping I need to read the tag but sometimes the tag is difficult to read or even misleading , as in “20% off of listed price.” In the blog world I may put the  tag “Mr. Peanut” on a post where I talk about how I got asked to impersonate that  honorable personage in a parade. For the many people looking for information on the origins or habits of Mr. Peanut they are certain to be disappointed with my post but I hope they benefit from the little picture of him which I included. Sadly enough the phrases most searched for resulting in hits on my blog are “Mr. Peanut”, “weird shoes” and “Singing Beach”.

It shouldn’t be sad that Singing Beach comes up. I used to go there everyday, I worked there for two summers selling bloated overheated hot dogs  but I only go once a year now after sundown so I don’t have to pay the fee. For your information, the fee is not so high, I don’t think it’s over $5. It’s an excellent beach, clean, safe, pretty but the sand gets VERY HOT. Also there a lots of white people. Please come to Singing Beach in Manchester by the sea if you are a person of color. We need you. Sometimes it looks like a gathering of the Klan.  That said, this is a blog about many subjects but the overall theme is supposed to be humorous.  Even then it’s difficult to be funny more than one or two times in every post. I find it easier to be funny when writing little lists of which I’m sure I’ll do more of during my upcoming vacation.

3. Stalkers, yes. I thought I had a really good post one day when I got 40 hits but one person I had been avoiding found me and read everything I had ever written. As Larry David said in his recent New Yorker article about golf – something to the point of  I may not be good at golf but I’m good at making people I don’t like, like me.

I’ll probably keep on blogging because I used to keep a diary and no one even tried to break into it. I’m starved for attention. I still think I’m going to be discovered for my wit and wisdom. Just like  with dating, hope pushes its way through the frozen dirt each spring looking for the sun. If I ever find my real point in writing please let me know.

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About polarflares

My head is so big because it has so many holes and air gets in.

4 responses »

  1. on a daily basis I get at least a few hits from the search “spider in mouth.”

    Oh, and I nearly cracked up at “I used to keep a diary and no one even tried to break into it.”

    great stuff

    Reply
  2. I’ve gotten 2 hits on, “How to contact real witches”…I want to know the people who searched for that. They are probably very interesting.

    Reply

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