I thought I was in paradise. It was like being a child and having the whole day to do whatever I wanted. First I got up on the stilts, then juggled, started painting a costume for the 4th of July parade here in Anchorage. Then I went rollerblading, brought some sketching stuff with me and drew a birch tree waving in front of Sleeping Lady. The breeze, the sun, the smell reminded me of waking up on any number of childhood occasions, without worry or spite. Today, however, I couldn’t maintain it. I was running late, a low pressure system came in, busy day, everyone topsy/turvy from having an extra day off. It still won’t really rain so my head and shoulders are being crushed by the suspense of release.
I used to be able to make myself feel better by watching some silly television. When we were kids, we weren’t allowed to watch TV until after homework. Now I could watch it whenever, but it puts me even more on edge. Thank God I didn’t follow up on that Masters in Communication. Tonight Glee is on. Everyone assumes I must like it but it reminds me why I could never seriously go into theatre. I just wanted to have fun. I didn’t have the voice, the figure, the killer ambition. I have imagination, a stage presence of sorts, some humor but that’s not what it takes to “make it.” Perhaps it’s enough to be an artist who doesn’t make “it” but does something wonderful once in awhile.
Sometimes I can watch those contest shows – the dance or singing ones but most of the times I get too nervous for the folks who are going to be eliminated. I remember the old show “Community Auditions” where the theme song went “Star of the day, who will it be? Your vote may hold the key!” Same show, bigger stakes. We knew people who filled out postcards for Community Auditions using every address in the phone book to get their child to win. I would guess The Idol parents do this as well. Another painful popularity contest with some funny bloopers, just like high school! I just watched a Youtube video of Sarah Silverman winning a 1985 segment of Community Auditions. It was very typical of the show. Watch it if you dare. The ambition is terrifying.
The crime shows really kill me. I watched about two minutes of one this winter and the picture still comes to my mind when I am run down and paralyzes me. Not kidding! It started with disembodied hands making soup on a stove. They cut up credit cards and other odd things to put in the pan. They fed it to their victim who had their mouth forced open with some horrible contraption and the soup rips them up from the inside out. This all shown in less than the time it took me to realize what was happening and turn off the set ( I can’t turn it off with the remote.) I feel sick even writing about it here. Who thinks of these things? How do they get stuck in my head? Would you remember something like that for so long? I don’t know if I will ever forget it.
People tell me to get Cable or Netflicks but when I’m feeling bad I figure these will just give me more things to hate. I usually enjoy Craig Ferguson and his dancing horse Secretariat ( yes I will get up and do the dance every time!) The Big Bang Theory makes me giggle once in awhile. When I stopped collecting record albums I figured I was growing old but maybe I was just getting pickier and had less space in my head for every lyric. That’s the thing, everything sticks to my brain, every lyric, every commercial jingle. I come home with a head filled up with my day and even after a little meditation there’s no room left for crap. The gift is to be able to transform the junk into something else, which I suppose is what I’m trying to do here. The sun has finally come out again (9:30 pm) and I can feel my shoulders relaxing. Changing moods takes longer than changing channels.