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Alaskan tourist – What not to wear

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Heels – Just don’t. Think bears, moose, mud, high rate of sexual assault. Unless of course you are pitiably short, unlike me. Then perhaps it might be worth it to be tall for a few hours before you die.

Save The Whales tee shirt – Big mistake. People eat whales here.  Remember the folks you’re going to argue with probably own guns.

Harvard jacket No one will probably mention it but they will assume you’re some stuck up asshole from out of town. If you went to Yale, don’t worry, most people think that is some kind of boat.

Belly button jewelry I’ve never heard of anyone getting frostbite on their navel but it’s just possible some hippy  is going to climb Denali with one of those jeweled piercings and regret it for the rest of her life. It’s just too damn cold to bare your midriff, alas even many months of the year when engaging in sex.


Camouflage We actually have lots of active military people here and they rarely wear their camo in public. When you wear yours, be it pink, sky blue, or flecked with rhinestones, we wonder.  Is this person dangerously unstable? Do they  regret being turned down by the military and therefore shop only at Army/Navy stores?  Have they no fashion sense? Camo may be nice for hunting but we can see you when you are shopping at WalMart.

FleeceHelp me here. Everyone who lives in Alaska wears fleece and I hate it. It’s like wearing sweats which are made of plastic. Please don’t purchase or wear any fleece here. Try to raise our standard of attire by wearing cotton or another natural fiber. Fleece is like aluminum siding, it’s warm but you don’t want to be wearing it when there’s a fire.


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About polarflares

My head is so big because it has so many holes and air gets in.

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